Just a little journaling of the past few days events and some of my thoughts so I can get it out.
Friday evening I met her for some coffee so we could talk some. It was my idea, although I know I shouldn't do that. It's just that I'm struggling with a lot of things right now other than getting over this relationship. Mainly financial reasons.
Some of the things I notice now when I talk to her make me kind of sad. Not sad about the situation, but sad for her. She used to have this twinkle in her eye, but it's not there anymore. She says that she's happy, but her reasons for being so happy are all false reasons. I just don't see it. She seems lost inside and it scares me that her false happiness is going to fade and she will be left in the same spot that she was before. Alone and empty. If she's really going to move on, then I'd rather it not be for the reasons she thinks make her happy, but real happiness.
We talked about several things. She told me that the date they set for their wedding is May 10th and that they have already reserved the chapel. She's already told her parents about it. After years of telling me I would have to ask for her parent's blessing and would have to make the moment memorable when I ask her. I guess things change.
I do think that this guy is a really good guy, but I still feel that she shouldn't have been looking for that. She asked me at one point why I thought we never got married. I told her that I thought it was a timing thing, that we had to grow together and we did, but after she got to where she wanted to be, she decided to find someone else. This guy had to go through what we did, but she doesn't have the memories of it. It probably doesn't make much sense, but I know what I'm trying to say. She asked why I was being civil about things and I told her that it was just like I told her the other day, that I put five years into our R, and it had meant a lot to me.
When I left, I gave her a hug and she embraced me pretty tight again. When I got home, I got a text from her saying that she could still smell me on her face. She told me that it sucked. I asked why and she told me that it smelled good and would make her miss me. I told her not to miss me. Then she told me she didn't, which didn't make sense with her previous comment. I said, "good, then there's not a problem." We chatted for a little while longer and then I went to bed.
Saturday she initiated some contact through text during the day. We just chatted a little bit and then she invited me to dinner that evening. We talked a little bit more about her being happy, etc. She opened up some and expressed her frustration with the guy's little dilema and how she was worried about it. I asked her how she would deal with it if they couldn't resolve it. She said it was workable with a little effort. I actually chuckled to that because I think our R, or any R is workable if you actually put effort into it. She asked me why I laughed and I told her it wasn't why she though, that I wasn't laughing at his prediciment, but what she said struck me funny.
That kind of led into a discussion about our escapade on Tuesday night. She asked me at one point if the sexual desire was physical or emotional. Acting as if, I told her not to worry, that it was purely physical at this point. Her response was a sarcastic thanks and something about that's not what a woman wants to hear. I told her that she didn't want me to have an emotional attachment, so she should be happy that I don't. I asked her the same question, because she has expressed more sexual desire towards me. She answered that she wanted it to be purely physical, but it's not completely. She said she didn't see how it could be with our history. I told her I understood. I didn't want to admit this part, because I know I'm going to get beaten up over it, but I don't want to hide anything. We ML again saturday night.
Our discussions actually help me a little bit. Her talking about her plans with the other guy, and how solid they are, help me to move on a little bit. Either that, or I'm moving on, and the discussions don't bother me as much. Either way, I can feel myself getting over it. I still feel lonely, and empty sometimes, but not as often.
I could probably type out a lot more, but it's kind of jumbled as my thoughts are pretty much all over the place, but gradually getting to where I want them to be.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
