On the bumpy road towards found...

[JWS]

I think that this is some very good progress. Just getting to the point where you can have a good time with him is Huge. It is all about setting that doubt in his mind and having a great time together is the perfect way to start that.

I think that you DB very well that night. it is a very fine line between showing support and showing honest vulnerability, I think that for now the supportive friend is the absolute best game plan, but sometimes for your own sanity some things will come out and if they are honest and tempered I think he will slowly be able to handle them.

All the things that you have on your plate right now sound, great. I love the idea of the hiking club. Since I have been back on the west coast I keep dreaming of getting back into camping and hiking but have been slow to act. There is so much of that I need to start taking advantage because I have been deprived.

Hey pisces where is your new thread at?

[happycamper]

the main problem is he feels bad about himself and thinks I will be better off without him. Well, if I show him what looks like me being completely better off without him, isn't that helping to convince him of that more?

I think sometimes our partners say that we will be better off without them, but I don't always think they mean it.

I don't know for sure, but I bet your H would be more attracted to someone who was happy and confident, rather than someone who 'needed' him. You wouldn't be showing him that you are 'better off' without him, you would be showing him that you would be ok without him, if it came to it, which is how it should be.

[iamlost]

Hi guys! Hugs...and thanks.

Yes, I do try opening up to H about my own sadness, and if I really think about it, it usually results in him being sad and down on himself, and trying to convince me that I will be better off/he ruined things/has too many problems, etc.

This is not the message I'm trying to relay to him.

So, you guys are right that I do have to show that I am completely OK without him. But that he is my friend and I still love him through my actions.

If he chooses to come back, it won't be because he's really worried that I am better off without him, it'll be just because he really wants to be with me.

Beyond that, I really need to BE OK without him. For the most part I am. It's just a huge loss, it's facing losing part of my family, not just him but his family as well. It's saying goodbye to what we could have been. It's just grieving that I feel now. I just got off the phone with my Dad, and I just cried silently the whole time, cause my father is so deeply sad at the loss as well. I know my parents aren't disappointed in ME, cause they know that I am fighting as hard as I can to save my M, but they are mourning, too. Loss just royally sucks.

But no matter what, I have my memories and my love, my choices about how I live my life, the way I choose to treat other people--those can't be taken away. I can always choose to try to be a better person, no matter what life throws at me, to not let it jade me. Life did actually jade me before, but that's before I knew what pain really was. Now I know what loss is and what it means to have your heart broken. Now I know how precious love is, that it should never be taken for granted, that life is short, and fleeting, and this is our chance.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”--Dr. Seuss

[happycamper]

If he chooses to come back, it won't be because he's really worried that I am better off without him, it'll be just because he really wants to be with me.

Vigorous nodding of head - yes yes yes...

The grief is very hard to deal with, but I think if we choose to embrace it, it can set us free in the long run. I used to watch funny films and cry all the way through them, I liked the crying and laughing at the same time!

But no matter what, I have my memories and my love, my choices about how I live my life, the way I choose to treat other people--those can't be taken away. I can always choose to try to be a better person, no matter what life throws at me

I think that in amongst all the rubbish, we find these very dark jewels, those are the lessons we learned. They are dark, because of the dark times we went through, but very beautiful. You will learn so much through this period, about yourself and about your future relationships, hopefully a new relationship with your H.

[JWS]

I know that it is different for everyone but if my M ends I have no intentions of losing that half of my family. Her parents have been my second set of parents since I was 15 and I am not parting with that and they would not want that either. You will have to let each R payout in its own way but don't assume you lose half your family just because your M ends. But don't even worry about that because you are the DB ninja and being the best friend to him that you can be is a great path that could lead to some fantastic results.

[pisces9]

i agree with JWS...stick to the high road...you are on a good track with your H. just think of today and tomorrow...sometimes it is so hard to stop ourselves from thinking in the "future" but that can take us of course and cause pain...

you really are doing great...baby steps!

[JCJ]

Lost you write some amazing things. It sounds like you are doing a lot of growing and it does sound like your h is too, he is just taking a bit longer! You are doing a great job at the moment, the things you are doing are working. Hang in there!

[iamlost]

(((HC, P, JWS, JCJ))) Love & hugs

Dark jewels...I love that, it's so true, HC.

Had a great "phone meeting" with my H over our agreement. I know--you're surprised by my use of the word great, right? Well, he was super-grumpy when we started off, but I was calm and validating and loving the whole time, and I managed to turn the whole damn thing into a friendly conversation where he was warm and sweet and wishing me a great couple days until we see each other for our anniversary dinner on Wed.

It was perfect!!! grin

Plus, I found out that the initial way he was with me is indicative of his interactions with everyone right now (at least the grumpy part anyway). He's not being himself AT ALL right now. I knew that before from friends, but I heard it from the horse's mouth--he told me he feels like he has a wall between himself and the rest of the world. I told him that I am very sorry to hear that, and that things will get better.

BTW--I heard that divorce does not automatically make people happy and carefree as cavorting children. Have you guys heard that before?!

[JWS]

I am so excited, this is great news. I think I read that some where about D but I am not sure.... a wall between him and the world... go figure, I am glad he is seeing that and even more glad that you just validate and listened to him.

told ya you are the DB Ninja, I would not want to mess with ya!!!

[iamlost]

Aw, you can mess with me, I like it!

Sorry if that came across like I wasn't being empathetic to him feeling bad. I am completely--I'm extremely sad that he is struggling. I just know that the way he is going about "solving it" is not going to solve the problem. But I continue to bite my tongue--he's gotta figure that out on his own...