I guess first things first. I have purchased and read through DivorceBusting. I thought the book was interesting and I did do my best to try many of the things in the book. That was a while ago now though... and so much has happened.
In October of last year, after a build up uneasy feelings about the relationship, my wife of 10 years (partner of 13 years) took our daughter and moved to her parents. I could tell you how I felt... but I have read enough posts here over the months to know that many of you know just what I mean.
The story is long and complex and confusing. I don't have anywhere near enough room here to go through it all but I can summarise the main details.
From the point of her original departure in October my wife changed her mind about leaving several times. At this point her decision, I thought, was driven purely by the fact that I had become somewhat unmotivated and hadn't done enough to support her and my daughter.
Then I found out she had been involved in an internet affair with a man from another country. She had been speaking and confiding in this man since the middle of last year and, during what I thought was a holiday to a friends, had actually met up with him where their relationship became physical.
When I confronted her I told her I wanted to work things out but she had to kill the affair. She refused, said she cared too much for the other man, and left the family home once and for all. We became well and truly seperated.
I went through weeks and weeks of hell. I couldn't believe what she had done, couldn't believe she really loved this other man, couldn't accept she didn't love me anymore. She told me, during the first few weeks of seperation, she catagorically did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She was distant, refused to talk and, in the end, communication became impossible.
It was over.
I loved her so much. So very, very much. My family was gone. My life was gone.
As the weeks passed I made it through day by day. I don't know how... but somehow I survived and managed to get back some strength. I concentrated on myself. I focused on my new job, on the people around me, on the gym. I found that other women liked me and found me attractive. My confidence grew. Bit by bit by bit I pieced myself together into someone who could survive. I was able to go days without thinking about my beloved wife, who never contacted or talked to me, and I gradually came to accept she was gone forever. It was a life without her and I had to fight and keep growing. If I didn't fight... I was finished.
But I never, ever stopped loving her. If I allowed myself to think it was the same thing every time. A deep, hollow, aching pain and hurt and agony simply not having my best friend and partner in my life ever again. My childhood sweeheart. We may have made a mess of things... but this is a person I grew up with as well as loved and married and had a child to. Ultimately, being without her was like being alone no matter who I was ever with.
That love I have for her is why I need help right now. I need help because, despite what I thought, my wife and I have started seeing each other again.
Over the last few weeks I have met my wife, first once a week and now.. anything up to three times in a week. When the meetings initially started there was a drink followed by a peck on the cheek and a goodbye. Now the meetings involve drinks, laughs, cuddling and alot of sex.
Great I hear you say! What's the problem?
The problem is I am deeply, deeply afraid of exactly what it is that I am getting into with her.
Firstly, I do not mention anything about the past or where we are going. Neither do I mention the fact that I KNOW she is still in contact with this other man (who has since visited her for two weeks). Now, I accept I do not know the exact nature of what is happening between them but I know enough to decipher that this other man still considers them to be very much in a relationship (albeit one seperated by thousands of miles)
Secondly, although my wife is affectionate when we are together this is often tempered by a distant look at times and, on other occasions, a strange silence about her.
Finally, my wife likes to spend time with me but is very paranoid about 'people knowing'. She doesn't tell her friends or her family we have seen each other. She prefers to keep it secret. It's a strange thing.
I guess what I am saying is this:
When do I actually discuss what is happening and where we are going with her?
I am concerned because I know (although again I do not ever mention) that she is due to visit the other man late this year. I am very frightened that, even though I consider all these meetings and dates to be a sign we have a very real chance at reconciliation, she is merely enjoying it 'for what it is' before the time comes to dump me and go to see the other man.
I am not saying that IS the case... but the truth is that my wife... for whatever reason... is VERY cagey about her feelings. We simply meet, have fun and a good time, say goodbye and then rearrange another date. WE DO NOT DISCUSS FEEELINGS AT ALL.
I am so happy to be spending time with my wife like this. I can't express how much joy I have just picking her up and talking to her and laughing and cuddling and having fun. But I LOVE her. Deeply.
I am terrified I might be setting myself up for a fall again. A long, hard and crippling fall back into all that darkness and pain.
