Yes, I do try opening up to H about my own sadness, and if I really think about it, it usually results in him being sad and down on himself, and trying to convince me that I will be better off/he ruined things/has too many problems, etc.
This is not the message I'm trying to relay to him.
So, you guys are right that I do have to show that I am completely OK without him. But that he is my friend and I still love him through my actions.
If he chooses to come back, it won't be because he's really worried that I am better off without him, it'll be just because he really wants to be with me.
Beyond that, I really need to BE OK without him. For the most part I am. It's just a huge loss, it's facing losing part of my family, not just him but his family as well. It's saying goodbye to what we could have been. It's just grieving that I feel now. I just got off the phone with my Dad, and I just cried silently the whole time, cause my father is so deeply sad at the loss as well. I know my parents aren't disappointed in ME, cause they know that I am fighting as hard as I can to save my M, but they are mourning, too. Loss just royally sucks.
But no matter what, I have my memories and my love, my choices about how I live my life, the way I choose to treat other people--those can't be taken away. I can always choose to try to be a better person, no matter what life throws at me, to not let it jade me. Life did actually jade me before, but that's before I knew what pain really was. Now I know what loss is and what it means to have your heart broken. Now I know how precious love is, that it should never be taken for granted, that life is short, and fleeting, and this is our chance.
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”--Dr. Seuss
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
