I am a complete fool. I need to get a tattoo on my forehead that says "STUPID".
H cancelled our plans to go to the velodrome and watch the bikers race Thurs night...it was raining anyway. I assumed he had made other plans and told him to have a great night....he said..no, wait, I still want to see you....let's go to dinner. So I agreed. At dinner he ordered us drinks and proposed a toast....thought that was a bit weird...but ok....he toasted to us...he wanted to come home and work on us. He started crying. He loves me...misses me...we belong together. It took him being away to see that...I told him I thought it was too soon...how could he be sure.....He assured me over and over that he was positive! (I know you know where this is going)...
We came home. M/L...he spent the night....I told him we would have alot of things to discuss and he agreed. It will take time...there are alot of things hanging out there to work through....we went to work.
He called several times during the day...ILY...blah blah...I got home first....he got home and was depressed and down...not a bad day at work...he is having second thoughts....
We discussed MOW...I told him that he would have to end the R with MOW...no more lunches, phone calls etc. There is no way for us to work on the R if she is in the picture.
We talked for hours....talked, no yelling, no fighting...discussed everything rationally. He claims he is lost, can't figure out who he is. He has changed. He isn't happy. He claimed he wanted to work on us because in that moment he really did....now he doesn't know. He doesn't want to end his "friendship" with MOW. He knows he has to do this to work on us....there's the sign....
He said this is all part of working on us....??? Him being away... He wanted to stay the night again...??? I said fine - we stayed on our own sides of the bed...He was upset. I was upset. At midnight, he reached for me....we M/L...he cried...he kept repeating over and over...I'm lost...I'm lost....it is heartbreaking....
This morning he took some more things and went back to the townhouse. I've watched him leave me twice in a week...He's pulled a 180 3 times in a week. I can't take this.
I expected it was too soon....I should have followed my gut and told him no...you can't come home....What could have possibly changed in a weeks time? Nothing. What could possibly change in a month? or 3 or 6? Nothing.
How do I make plans if he's popping in and out all the time? Why does he think he can "be married" when it works for him but not married the rest of the time?
I know I need to GAL....I know! Everytime I figure something out....and set it up...in pops H...throws me for a loop...
In the time he was gone....he was here every single day....he called everyday...called everynight...every morning. I didn't pursue him...I left him alone. He couldn't leave me alone....
I even let the phone ring...didn't answer....he still pursued me. Then he came to me...asked me if he could come home...told me how miserable he was without me....he came to me.....and did an about face less than 24 hours later. AGH!
I'm going dark.....
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
It was too soon! (You already knew that!) And yes, he is lost. He doesn't seem to me to have any inclination to get unlost. He has decisions he could make, he knows what they are, and he chooses not to.
I think dark is a very good plan. Don't answer the phone. Say NO when he want to come over. And NO ML! I think he may be afraid of being alone. I'm not sure that means he wants to be with you.
He may not think so, but I think he is playing a game, and I think it is time for you to stop it.
Very good post Virtually Handsome! (((BA))) You can do this!! You can win this game. You can attract him back. Now think mysterious and doing some fun things for yourself!
BA, could I suggest something different than going dark? Your H reaches for you and looks for your support. Give it to him, but on YOUR schedule. Take control of when he sees you. Set up the night(s) that you are available for him and he can take it or leave it. I think in your sitch that if you give him a time when you will be available it would be similar to telling a little kid when he can go to the candy store.
It certainly isn't easy to see him walk in and out of your life every other day but IMO you should be his best friend, that's an opportunity many of us don't get. Just as you say, love is patient.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
He is just following the script. This is what they do. It is up to you to set the pace and the boundaries. You are not stupid. You are human in a very tough and unfair situation. Show your H confidence and the ability to make decisions for yourself (setting limits). He will look up to this.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
It really sounds like your H is confused and needs you at the moment. I agree with Trusting about you setting the boundaries, and I like the idea of you being a supportive friend to H while he's going through this. It'd be tough on you, but I think if you can do it with boundaries it'd be a really good thing in the long run.
It's been a weird few days. Saturday night...after H left for the 2nd time in a week...he asked me to come over to the townhouse to "talk" some more...he cooked us dinner and we discussed things. He came back over to our house and watched the Olympics with me..? for a couple hours. No more R talks...he needs to stay at the TH and figure things out. Fine. Sunday morning he was supposed to come and paint...called and wanted to go out for breakfast as usual first...afterwards we came back here to paint...he came into the house after me...and when I turned around, he was holding a long stemmed rose....he loves me, wants to work on us...but need to figure things out in his head. He meant it when he said he wanted to come home the previous Thursday...he doesn't know why Friday he changed his mind. Can we take things slow...can he stay at the TH and sort things out in his head....ok... We spent all of Sunday together...painted...went out to dinner, went for a bike ride together...watched the Olympics on TV....he kissed me alot..very loving...nice day! Weird... H told me he's really proud of me...that he admires the changes I have made...losing weight, getting in shape, biking...how strong I have become...being able to stand for what I believe in...h says he is lost...and he doesn't know how to find his way back...he has so much to figure out....
Monday he called a couple of times on the phone....had planned for him to come to dinner and to paint....he showed up almost an hour late...great mood...grabbed me and kissed me! ILY...I think this is going to work...trust me...(yeah whatever...I don't but ok) had dinner, went for a walk...didn't paint..nice evening. Before he leaves he goes online and books a marriage weekend retreat for us to attend in September. I was surprised...it seems he is making an effort to really work on us...He called after he got into bed (back at the TH)..ILY..sleep well...etc.
Tues am: He called at 6 to see if I was up...he didn't sleep well again...neither did I...he called again at 7am...on his way to work...do I want to meet for lunch? That's the first time he's asked me to lunch in a couple of months...ok..I'll meet him. Nice lunch out on a patio at a cafe...about an hour and half...he would see me tonight...ILY...
I came home from work. Took out the trash, washed my car..and my bike. Started laundry...took a shower....now it's 7:00...put a chicken pot pie in the oven....didn't answer his first phone call at 7:30....he called again at 8:00...answered...he was in a good mood...did I want to go out for dinner tonight...Nope. cooking dinner....silence...asked me again...told him I had dinner in the oven already...he asked me what was wrong...I told him nothing...he was ticked off....I told him that since I hadn't heard anything sooner, I'd gone ahead and planned my evening....silence....(he'd been out for coffee with MOW)...He asked me to put my dinner in the fridge and go out with him...I was silent....(tough decision...part of me wants to say no...but part of me wants to say ok) I agreed...he got to the house about 8:30...dinner out...H very quiet...distracted...keeps looking at me to see how I am reacting...I acted like everything was fine...he wants to know why I'm so quiet...told him I was tired...rough day at work....Back at the house...he stays for about 15 minutes...then off to the TH....he'll call to say goodnight. Kisses me goodbye...ILY...etc.
We've talked about it before...if he's going to work on us...no MOW...I decided to keep quiet....didn't mention MOW...if he wants to come back home no MOW...I won't do this anymore.
If he comes over every damn day, he's not going to miss us...miss me...but if I'm supposed to be his friend like WCW says, how do I tell him he's not welcome to come to his own home when he wants to?
I see huge baby steps in the right direction....I'm trying not to have any expectations but still have hope for us....I'm trying to be still...to act as if...I'm trying to do 180s and GAL....I'm just completely confused.
I've started a journal to keep track of my feelings and the day to day happenings. The hot/cold....back/forth... is completely confusing and frustrating. I can't even keep track from one day to the next!
AGHHHHHHH!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
oh wow ba, I don't even know what to tell you! I can totally feel and see your confusion and frustration.
(((hugs)))
what you are doing seems to be "working", but it will only happen in his own time.
it seems like the boundaries are key, but knowing what they should be is so hard. I think they need to be for you, to keep your sanity, so that you can be a supportive friend.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
