Yes, I was drinking nightly for whatever reasons, mostly because of the emotional pain I have been in. I take responsibility for that. I also take responsibility for her not really doing anything to help me.
If there was one thing that she could have done to make you NOT drink back then, WHAT would that have been?
When I told her how much pain I was in, she could have set up dates, weekends away, just spent TIME with me. She ignored me.
It was the pain, hurt, loss, fear, anxiety that was driving me. My counselor said that, even the last few counseling sessions I had while I was NOT drinking for 11 months were talks about how the pressure was creeping in and I couldn't carry our 'reconciliation' all alone any more. I couldn't carry our financial pressure all alone any more.
Our counselor told W that I was not going to be able to continue carrying the marriage alone. She told W to do some of the things I just mentioned and she did ONE 'weekend away' ONCE.
You may recall an old post I made where I quoted you and others during the 'reconciliation' where you and others said "when is she going to do something to restore the marriage".
I'll find the old post.
That is what probably would have helped me feel better, feel supported. Then I wouldn't have hurt so much, so long.
And it WOULD have helped me avoid medicating myself.
I realize now that was a pipe dream. In the end she could do nothing because, well, she could do nothing.
Right now, it's been Richie (phoenyx), FaithIsBelieveing and others who have helped me keep my self esteem up and in effect, kept me from medicating because there is a lot less pain, during this painful situation.
I hope this makes sense. I no longer blame her, I should have reached out to my brethren on the DB board way before she decided she was 'done'. For my sake. To help me heal myself.
