Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Bad few days. I've been missing H--really missing him. There was the immediate relief after he first left and then I was sort of enjoying the freedom and getting to redecorate our/my bedroom. Now I feel really sad and lonely.

This week I went to visit some mutual friends with the girls and I really felt H's absence. Tonight the girls and I went to a concert in the park and when we got home there was a voicemail from H, calling to talk to the girls, saying he was watching the Olympics. He sounded sad--or maybe that was me projecting onto him. I just felt like sobbing, hearing his voice. I miss him and I know he is still completely certain that he made the right choice.

In a couple of weeks, the girls and I are going up to my summer home in the mountains. It will be the first time since 1989 that I'm going without H. I invited lots of friends so I/we would be distracted, but I am now feeling really sad and worried that it's going to be very painful for me to be up there without H. He's left his mark on the house--a house that's been in my family for 96 years. There are books he's left there, a sign he made out of twigs, chairs we chose together--on and on. H LOVES this place--swam in the lake every morning before breakfast, loved hiking in the mountains, sailing--the whole thing. It just feels awful to think of being there without him, and to also know that he doesn't want to be with me to the point that he would reject this incredible house among so many other great things we shared in life.

I have tried for the most part to play it very cool since he left--to be businesslike and friendly but busy-seeming (except for one major phone fight we had). I am sometimes so tempted to just be open and vulnerable and tell him that I miss him. I think I will want to share that with him even more when I'm up at my house in the mountains. I know it wouldn't be good idea, but I hate being forced to behave like none of this matters or hurts.