Haven't posted in a while. I am just going to put all my feelings out there.
I'm pissed off...at myself....at H...at everything. After being told again lastnight that H doesn't want to be around me, doesn't see a future and doesn't want to give me false hope I think I'm ready to move on.
I cannot believe that I have actually been dragging myself around depressed over a man that left me...left me with all the financial responsibilities of the house we bought together, the 2nd mortgage, the dog and cat I didn't even want and all the blame he put on my for our failed marriage. The truth is I do have fault in the relationship...I wasn't the best wife...wasn't even a good friend at times, but damn it...neither was he.
I think it's time I get some self respect and stop acting like a doormat. I can't take his rejection any longer and I don't deserve it.
When people feel guilty leaving, a blame game starts. If this wasn't so bad, if you would have done this.. etc. etc etc. It's a smoke screen for their own emotions.
No one is perfect. We all do our best and not so best in life. What seems the most unfair is when someone important abruptly leaves everything. If only I'd had a chance to know.. If only I was given a chance to work on it.. If if if..
"If's" are a ball and chain that keep you from moving forward. There's nothing you can do about his actions, his thought process, where he's at.
Taking care of yourself, getting enough emotion out to start moving, to free yourself from blame all improve where you are. Use this force for good.. not bitterness.
Channel the energy you feel into you, into improving your life. Stop worrying about the guilt of things in the past. Feeling guilty works against you. Being positive works for you.
Like you hear all the time.. actions speak louder than words. Hello to the new you!
I'm certainly trying to be a new me, but I do not understand how we can ML and literally 60 seconds later he's telling me how there is no hope. I try and tell myself it's because sex is just sex to men, but he's always told me he needs to feel emotional connection to have sex with someone. What the hell??
At any rate, I'm so freakin' wishy washy about everything. One minute I'm done...the next I'm hoping he'll call.
Let it go. Use your wonderful energy for the present, for you! Wishy washy is such an apt term. Perhaps we're all in a top loading washing machine doing the sudsy agitating and all of a sudden the spin cycle hits.
Focus on you, make positive changes. They bring a positive attitude. Stop thinking for him, through him. Think for yourself, what works for you. Actions speak louder than words.
I'm certainly trying to be a new me, but I do not understand how we can ML and literally 60 seconds later he's telling me how there is no hope. I try and tell myself it's because sex is just sex to men, but he's always told me he needs to feel emotional connection to have sex with someone. What the hell??
At any rate, I'm so freakin' wishy washy about everything. One minute I'm done...the next I'm hoping he'll call.
Hi there CW. I'll give you this man's perspective based only on this post. I read your H behavior as that there is just a little bit of hope and his 'there is no hope' is his way of protecting himself and possibly you. See, if he didn't care at all it was just a booty call and you were available, then he would say nothing. On top of that is his assertion that he also needs an emotional connection. No, I read it that there is some small hope and that he is confused or uncertain. So, knowing next to nothing about any of this, I would recommend continuing on with what you are doing and if you are able, keep the door open a little while longer.
Oddly enough he called me yesterday and intimated that he would like for me to send a naughty picture of myself to him via the cell phone. I felt like he was challenging me to do something the "old me" would never had done so I called his bluff and sent him a picture. About 20 minutes went by and my phone started ringing off the hook. I was on the landline talking to his mother so when he called I didn't pick up and then my cell phone kept ringing. When I was done talking I called him back and asked what he was doing...said he just got a picture of the best looking, ummm...well you know, that he'd ever seen (sorry to those of you that don't need this much info). Anyway, I said I think I deserve a picture in return...he said maybe.
So today he called on his way home from work and I asked him if he was going to delete the pictures I sent because I didn't want anyone else to see them...he said...he showed them to friends at work which made me freak out. He said he was just kidding...he wouldn't do that, but if he did I would have about 20 guys knocking at my door.
LMAO...he is having fun. He is playing with you to see what you will do. Rest assured, he won't s how the pix to his friends, but if you two can laugh and love together, that is a good sign...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm so confused by everything....part of me feels encouraged that he would even want a picture of me, but another part of me worries that he doesn't care about me...just needs to get his rocks off.
I DON'T KNOW...I am such a freak! This up and down is killing me.
I agree with Lola here...if you and your H can laugh and carry on together especially over sex then there's def. something there!
If he wanted, as you say, to get his rocks off then he'd simply use his hand (sorry). Sure its not the same thing but if he wanted nothing to do with you her wouldn't have sex with you. Thats a given.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
So I am taking my D camping for two days. Have NEVER done that before and kind of scared. At any rate, asked H if I could borrow his camping stuff so he brought it over last night.
He dropped off the stuff and hightailed it for the door...of course. I stopped him for a sec as D had asked me to please ask her Dad if he would go camping with us since it's during his two days off. At first he said, "no...I'm not gonna drive that far for that short a time". Then changed it to "I don't want to confuse D....we're done and I don't want to give her false hope".
Obviously, hearing the "we're done" phrase felt like a kick to my stomach so I said so...convo went something like this:
Me: So do you really think it would be giving her false hope? H: Yes, I wasn't happy with you and I don't think I can give you what you want. Me: When you say the words I'm done it kills me. So you are saying no more family vacations...ever. H: Pretty much...I can't figure things out being around you...it's too confusing and I decided it was done a long time ago. Me: When did you decide it was done. He: A long time ago....the last night I stood in the doorway to our room and begged you to come to bed and spend personal time with me and you stayed on the couch anyway...I decided I was done. Me: When was that? H: About a year ago. Me: You didn't leave then H: I didn't know what to do and then we got into an argument one day and you solidified it for me when you told me you didn't need me and could take care of things by yourself. Me: I was hurt and was trying to hurt you H: Well you did Me: Don't you ever miss me? H: Sometimes (tears start to form in his eyes) Me: So you don't see us ever being together ever again? H: I don't know and in a way I'm angry Me: About what? H: That it took me having to leave for you to become the sexual woman I've always wanted Me: I was trying to be that for four months before you left. H: I just don't think it's the real you...I think you are just acting Me: I can't act that well H: Yes you can...I don't want to waste anymore time Me: I don't want to be alone any more He: Neither do I Me: So if you don't want to be alone then you must be considering finding someone new? H: Not right now, but eventually Me: And it wouldn't bother you if I found someone new? H: It would, but I would understand. Can I ask you a question and you will be totally honest with me? Me: Yes H: All those nights you slept on the couch and wouldn't come to bed...were you interested in someone else? Me: Absolutely not H: Had you slept with someone else? Me: No way...I have never been interested in anyone but you. Why would you think that? H: Because you weren't attracted to me and you weren't having sex with me so you must have been getting it somewhere else. Me: I wasn't getting it anywhere...I just had NO sex drive...I wasn't interested in sex at all and I couldn't talk to you about it. You never understood. I needed the non-sexual attention from you. H: I needed you to be sexual Me: I know...now I understand the differences in men and women better....women need the non-sexual attention to feel loving and safe so that they want to have sex, men need the sexual attention so they feel connected enough to want to give the non-sexual attention. It's a viscious circle. But I finally found a medication that works for me and my drive is back. I've also been working on my self esteem issues so that I don't let those interfere with my desire. H: It's too late Me: Don't you like to ML with me? H: Always have Me: Do you want to make love to me now? H: What about D? Me: She's watching TV H: It's kinda hard when she's in the house...I better go.
At this point I notice he has a...ahem..well he is aroused. I kiss him and whisper something suggestive in his ear so he takes my hand and leads me upstairs. We ML....of course when it's over...he's up out of the bed like someone shot him from a cannon. He leaves very shortly thereafter.
So WTF? How weird are these conversations and ML sessions? They are in such direct contrast to eachother. I don't know what to think or do....HELP!
