So I married a sex addict...

[jon2911]

basically what I want if I'm very honest is an EA with my H. That doesn't help me to detach in the slightest.

As a christian, I feel that our M based on promises made before God is over (although it may not be over legally). That's why I call her the gf, not the ow. I don't want to have an EA with someone else's boyfriend!!!

I understand what you're saying, this is really, really tough. But it's impossible to have an EA with your H! He's still your H!

Here's a quote from my counselor. He's a great Christian man, and has a lot of great online resources:
http://www.affairrecovery.com

"In America we are much more tolerant of divorce than infidelity. That doesn't make any sense. 80% of marriages recover from an affair, in an average of 2 years. Statistically, it takes 5 years to recover from divorce."

Do you see what he's saying? This is why I love the DB concept so much. Even all of our Christian friends would say that we should give up because there's been an affair. But isn't divorce far worse? Biblically, statistically, recovery-wise? Absolutely.

What I've had to realize is this: my friends care about me and don't want to see me get hurt. They don't understand friendship, relationship, sex, etc. with someone who's acting like my W is acting. I've told a few about W's little texting incident, and they all get mad and come back with a bunch of questions. How involved is she with him? Bottom line: I don't know, and don't really care. W will continue to be miserable, and no text boyfriend will change that. But I still love her and have tremendous respect for her.

Anyway, hang in there, it gets better. It really does.

[iamlost]

I would say this: DBing is not about saving the marriage, it's about making you a better person.

I agree totally with this. I look at DBing as being instruction on how to live your life, how you treat people in ALL your relationships, and how you view yourself. It's about how happiness is something that you are always working towards, that it's something that belongs to you and you alone.

It's also an effective way to survive the extreme pain that we're all in, by forcing ourselves to be proactive about things instead of falling into full-on depression. Making little steps that eventually lead--surprise!--to happiness and a full life.

HC, I think you should keep DBing even if preventing divorce isn't your goal. And this board can help you navigate your friendship with H, keep you on target. I know that it keeps me on track, knowing that I post all my missteps and flubs here. Posters want me to succeed, for me, and not necessarily to save my M. The people here have the most amazing outlook on live and love as I have ever encountered, and I trust them to help me. And reading other people's similar experiences helps me feel not so alone.

[happycamper]

Jon - thanks for your encouragement. I just struggle to see him as my H any more, I feel he's chosen a R with someone else, he's ended our M and I just don't want to be the ow in any way shape or form. I guess it's a bit of 'I've experienced the hurt that ows have caused me, I'm not going to do that to someone else'.

[happycamper]

I was starting to feel a bit of a fraud being here, and I also find it very hard to comment on anyone else's post in case I 'taint' them with my non-DB attitude...

I do find people's comments so, so helpful, and reading other people's situations gives me hope, or puts mine into perspective.

[happycamper]

Just done a budget and I think we will be ok!!!!!!!!!!!

It's (only!) taken me 2 months to do it because I was TERRIFIED! Thought I would look at how much money I and the children will actually need once he has gone, and I have a rough idea of my projected 'income'.

That's a heavy, heavy weight off my shoulders.

[iamlost]

I was starting to feel a bit of a fraud being here, and I also find it very hard to comment on anyone else's post in case I 'taint' them with my non-DB attitude...

I don't think you have a non-DB attitude at all! You want a close friendship with your H, a good co-parenting relationship with him, all of that is right in line DB, IMHO.

I hope you know that your forgiveness & strength through dealing with the fallout of your husband's SA was a huge inspiration to me when I felt weak, so you are very, very far from a DB fraud!

This is my current favorite thread on the DB boards, and here's a quote from it for ya:

What newcomers never believe, but have to hear

The lucky ones [whether or not their piecing or divorced] are the ones who realize that their self esteem is not based upon someone else. Seize life and wring it out for all it is worth, that is lucky. To know that your an amazing person.

The other threads I've bookmarked for inspiration are these, if you haven't read them yet, there's a lot of good stuff in there:

Nuggests of Wisdom from the Veterans

More Nuggets of Widsom from the Veterans

[jon2911]

Just done a budget and I think we will be ok!!!!!!!!!!!

It's (only!) taken me 2 months to do it because I was TERRIFIED! Thought I would look at how much money I and the children will actually need once he has gone, and I have a rough idea of my projected 'income'.

That's a heavy, heavy weight off my shoulders.

Great! You're going to be fine however this turns out.

[happycamper]

I hope you know that your forgiveness & strength through dealing with the fallout of your husband's SA was a huge inspiration to me when I felt weak, so you are very, very far from a DB fraud!

That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me here, thank you so much!! (((iamlost)))

What newcomers never believe, but have to hear

I have read half of this thread so far, it is very good. Will finish reading it after I have posted today's stuff (before I forget what I was going to say!).

[happycamper]

Had a good day, for a number of reasons. I think doing that budget last night was a turning point for me. I am currently reading a book on divorce and one of the things they say is that if you are having trouble letting go, try to see if there is anything you are frightened of about losing your partner. I think I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to manage financially, and therefore was terrified of losing H. Once I took a good look at the financial picture, I could see that I could cope with losing H.

H is home today for the weekend, and I am trying to maintain my detachment. I told him about my budget, as that is definite 'we are divorcing' talk. He was really pleased I had been able to do it. It helps me to keep the divorce 'live' whilst he is living here, very important not to slip back into old R again.

Also I have really focused on me today - looked nice, worn make-up, worn perfume, had fun with children, not talked about our R (apart from the budget) - all GAL things, all DBing I think. Iamlost really encouraged me to keep 'DBing', seeing it as beneficial for me.

[happycamper]

But if you really want a laugh, this post is for you...

H tells me he had his first row with gf this week. Why? Because he was acting out (Sex Addicts Anon speak for 'behaving like an addict') when he was with her!!!!!!! They went out and he spent far too long 'chatting up' another girl at the bar... She had been watching him closely the whole time, and commented on how much eye contact he gave this woman.

And what did he say to me?? He was surprised to find he was acting out with someone young (23), attractive and in a new R, he thought the problem was mainly within our marriage!

Him - 'I suppose I am still acting out then, even though I'm not in a relationship with you'

Me - 'No s**t Sherlock' (I figure God allows me one very well chosen swear word a year, and that was it)

But I only smiled once he had left the room...