Getting total emotional fulfillment from my W does seem improbable. And, as Ian says I will fill out the D forms and just keep them around. It will give me the mental attitude of knowing there is a door to go out if I have to, and I can give them to her next time she gives me any crap.
I'm meeting up with FIB today since he's out here in Sunny southern California for the weekend.
Nothing from W so far today. I'll text her my schedule so she can be around if D12 needs her.
Was talking to W dad today. He had lunch with her the other day and said she was 'delusional'. Said she blames everything on me because she couldn't live with a 'drunk' any more. Says that she's 'growing in new directions', she isn't the same person she was 22 years ago, etc, etc.
Her dad said that she completely forgets that she ran off to go screw her 'soulmate', put me through hell, I didn't drink for 11 months during that hell, and eventually took her back.
Yes, I was drinking nightly for whatever reasons, mostly because of the emotional pain I have been in. I take responsibility for that. I also take responsibility for her not really doing anything to help me. If this is all true then while I don't deserve this, it certainly explains her perspective.
Wedding vows don't seem to mean anything any more.
There were times I reflect back on my M and remember some times I could have used her support, but didn't get it. Instead, she bailed and would occupy her time with less trivial matters. She was probably more needy then most and I tried to attend to those needs as best I could. I think it scared her to see I wasn't always that steady rock she could count on and occasionally needed her helping hand/advice/support. She wanted to ride with me in the limo, but I wanted her to take the bus with me when the limo broke down. She couldn't/wouldn't do that. You have to give and get this out of a marriage or there's just no logic in staying in such a partnership.
For "better or worse" seems to be the wedding vow that's so hard for many to grasp.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Yes, I was drinking nightly for whatever reasons, mostly because of the emotional pain I have been in. I take responsibility for that. I also take responsibility for her not really doing anything to help me.
Frank, I have a serious question for you based on the above statement and I'm asking for myself.
What could she have done?
If there was one thing that she could have done to make you NOT drink back then, WHAT would that have been?
I really need a rock-solid, tangible, no-bullshit answer to that question, Frank.
Yes, I was drinking nightly for whatever reasons, mostly because of the emotional pain I have been in. I take responsibility for that. I also take responsibility for her not really doing anything to help me.
If there was one thing that she could have done to make you NOT drink back then, WHAT would that have been?
When I told her how much pain I was in, she could have set up dates, weekends away, just spent TIME with me. She ignored me.
It was the pain, hurt, loss, fear, anxiety that was driving me. My counselor said that, even the last few counseling sessions I had while I was NOT drinking for 11 months were talks about how the pressure was creeping in and I couldn't carry our 'reconciliation' all alone any more. I couldn't carry our financial pressure all alone any more.
Our counselor told W that I was not going to be able to continue carrying the marriage alone. She told W to do some of the things I just mentioned and she did ONE 'weekend away' ONCE.
You may recall an old post I made where I quoted you and others during the 'reconciliation' where you and others said "when is she going to do something to restore the marriage".
I'll find the old post.
That is what probably would have helped me feel better, feel supported. Then I wouldn't have hurt so much, so long.
And it WOULD have helped me avoid medicating myself.
I realize now that was a pipe dream. In the end she could do nothing because, well, she could do nothing.
Right now, it's been Richie (phoenyx), FaithIsBelieveing and others who have helped me keep my self esteem up and in effect, kept me from medicating because there is a lot less pain, during this painful situation.
I hope this makes sense. I no longer blame her, I should have reached out to my brethren on the DB board way before she decided she was 'done'. For my sake. To help me heal myself.
Today, just before I went to L.A. to meet up with FIB, W showed up at the house. I think she thought I would be gone when she showed up but I was late leaving.
She watered the plants in the front of the house.
Then as I was leaving, she started to vacuum the living room. Recall that the other day I told her to stop coming over and cleaning the house because she no longer 'lives here'.
So, I tell her "You don't need to vacuum, I can take care of it".
She starts making up excuses why she has to, "She had the vaccum at 'her house' all week and so I couldn't vacuum so she should do it".
Then she says "Well, I'm only going to do the living room"
I guess I was looking for something dramatic but you told me what I already knew. It just seems like the "being there" is not much. I suppose somewhere down the road only Jeff can tell me if, and how, it will have mattered.
But it gets lonely just being there sometimes, you know?
