Love is Patient

[ba065]

I am a complete fool. I need to get a tattoo on my forehead that says "STUPID".

H cancelled our plans to go to the velodrome and watch the bikers race Thurs night...it was raining anyway. I assumed he had made other plans and told him to have a great night....he said..no, wait, I still want to see you....let's go to dinner. So I agreed. At dinner he ordered us drinks and proposed a toast....thought that was a bit weird...but ok....he toasted to us...he wanted to come home and work on us. He started crying. He loves me...misses me...we belong together. It took him being away to see that...I told him I thought it was too soon...how could he be sure.....He assured me over and over that he was positive! (I know you know where this is going)...

We came home. M/L...he spent the night....I told him we would have alot of things to discuss and he agreed. It will take time...there are alot of things hanging out there to work through....we went to work.

He called several times during the day...ILY...blah blah...I got home first....he got home and was depressed and down...not a bad day at work...he is having second thoughts....

We discussed MOW...I told him that he would have to end the R with MOW...no more lunches, phone calls etc. There is no way for us to work on the R if she is in the picture.

We talked for hours....talked, no yelling, no fighting...discussed everything rationally. He claims he is lost, can't figure out who he is. He has changed. He isn't happy. He claimed he wanted to work on us because in that moment he really did....now he doesn't know. He doesn't want to end his "friendship" with MOW. He knows he has to do this to work on us....there's the sign....

He said this is all part of working on us....??? Him being away... He wanted to stay the night again...??? I said fine - we stayed on our own sides of the bed...He was upset. I was upset. At midnight, he reached for me....we M/L...he cried...he kept repeating over and over...I'm lost...I'm lost....it is heartbreaking....

This morning he took some more things and went back to the townhouse. I've watched him leave me twice in a week...He's pulled a 180 3 times in a week. I can't take this.

I expected it was too soon....I should have followed my gut and told him no...you can't come home....What could have possibly changed in a weeks time? Nothing. What could possibly change in a month? or 3 or 6? Nothing.

How do I make plans if he's popping in and out all the time? Why does he think he can "be married" when it works for him but not married the rest of the time?

I know I need to GAL....I know! Everytime I figure something out....and set it up...in pops H...throws me for a loop...

In the time he was gone....he was here every single day....he called everyday...called everynight...every morning. I didn't pursue him...I left him alone. He couldn't leave me alone....

I even let the phone ring...didn't answer....he still pursued me. Then he came to me...asked me if he could come home...told me how miserable he was without me....he came to me.....and did an about face less than 24 hours later. AGH!

I'm going dark.....

BA