Hi, this topic was mentioned on someone elses thread & I was wondering what some of you feel & how you deal with it (what techiques you've learned). The topic is control & fear.
My H is a WAS & when he left he just took essentials. A few months ago (before I found DB) I emailed him that he can stop by & take any of his stuff that he wants. I know, he does stop over (when I'm not home) - to grab a few things. I just noticed some of his nic naks & toys gone (yes, an H with many oh toys). Fear has started to creep in & I know control is at the root. I want him to be happy & have his things. But the more he takes - the more, I really feel that he is leaving this M for good. Somtimes, I just feel like packing up all his stuff. Anyone have any advise??
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I'm only speaking for myself here, but I'm somewhat of a busy body and especially now in my current R sitch I am trying to keep my mind off of things when I can and I wonder if he is too. It maybe he just wants those things to distract him from the current R situation and not as further steps to leave. Granted I too am the LBS, but my W has pretty much only taken essentials this far. Just my 2 cents, for what they are worth.
H - 37 (me) W - 34 M - almost 8 years, Dated 6 LYBNILWY - 7/23/2008 W says nothing can save the M - 8/05/2008, 8/17/2008 W admits E attraction with OM - 8/05/2008 no kids - four cats Previous post: What to do
My W only took her clothes when she left. She has since come back for the airbed. I let her know that she can take what ever she needs anytime. I am trying to be supportive as possible to her and she appreciates it.
I wouldn't read anything into the fact that they take just the bare minimum of belongings..or that they come back and get more stuff over time.
H - 39 W - 38 M - 10 years, Dated 1 LYBNILWY - 5/17/2008 Moved out - 5/18/08 no kids - 2 cats
I told my W she wasn't allowed at the house without me there. LOL She seems to have enough things to keep her going for a month now, so she doesn't need anymore. Also, the house is for sale and I don't want it looking empty. It's been on the market for 2 months almost and have only had 2 showings that didn't turn out to be anything.
I ran into another close family member of W's last night and was a bit pissed because W didn't even tell her the full story. Now, this is the cousin W grew up with basically. All W told her cousin about the reason she left was, "money". I don't know where W is coming from with this, she didn't exactly grow up with a silver spoon in her mouth, her family was definitely more well off than mine, but no means wealthy. My W has some serious head issues going on and her F^%$ing friend is manipulating her. I really think someone in her family needs to just go and get her from that house before she (if she hasn't already) does something really stupid. I'd like to think she's smart enough not too, but there seems to be alot of drinking going on, and I know her friend smokes marijuana, I hope my W hasn't started that. W would really thank whoever told her to go home later, I can garauntee that.
Hi all, seems that there are quite a few people engaged in this discussion. Hopefully that means there will be some useful advice to draw on.
I too had an issue with talking to a mutual friend, who then relayed information back to my W. In fact, my W then followed up by telling / warning me that anything I said to him would come back to her. I knew that anyway and in some ways felt that it was something of an advantage. It's another way of relaying info back to your spouse if the direct lines of communication are troubled.
What I did find hard though was the feeling that she was talking to her friends a lot more about what was really going on in her head than to me. In her mind, they suddenly became more her kind of people than I was. That's particularly galling when you consider your spouse to be your best friend.
I sometimes wonder what was said behind closed doors. I still get the feeling that there was a final trigger to the unfolding of everything. It seemed to change so quickly. I still don't know if I am right on that score, or what it may have been. Probably there was a day when I was suddenly compared to the potential OM and found lacking. Oh, the benefits of hindsight ...
Max
I couldn't agree more Max. My W definitely has the issue of telling other people our problems than me, the supposed best friend. She told me she didn't air our dirty laundry, but a few people knew of her plans before she even told me. And she wouldn't involve people from her work, but says her rings are in a coworker's safe. How's that for not airing our dirty laundry or getting coworkers involved! This same work friend I know knew about this before me, and has been the only one to say, "I seen this coming". I asked W why this lady has been the only one to say that, her answer was, "because she sees me everyday". HELLO! SO DO I!
W won't talk to anyone who disagrees with the decisions she has been making. I think she needs an intervention!
Most WAS don't tell the whole story about why they left. Also, they often have their own version (just like the LBS may have their own version). Reality is usually somewhere in the middle or off to the side. Very few people can admit, or have the clarity, to convey the reality.
So... I wouldn't waste time being too pissed about it. That's perfectly common. I would just expect it and let them have their own reality.
Your W doesn't need an intervention, she needs to live with the reality she's creating... and you need to be the most wonderful guy on earth. That's your only chance (and it's a slim one!) to calm the situation down and get her wondering if she's making the right decision. Also, it's the best way to make to make sure that even if the D goes through she eventually regrets her decision. Don't give your spouse the satisfaction of making this whole thing easier on them. The more of an angry, controlling, weak, manipulative, jerk the LBS is (and all of us have moments of deep hurt where we just want to lash out and hurt them back), the easier they are to leave.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am trying to be the best guy on earth, believe me. As stated before, I fell into the trap of someone telling me they were a friend, and that's what got us where we are now. I'm trying really hard to not be those things, I guess I need to try harder.
I almost told her to go ahead and file, but I couldn't bring myself too. I truly have faith in our marriage. That's why I told W I wouldn't do anything until she agreed to MC, and that I would never divorce her. Although it may have hurt my chances some, I look at it as a way of showing her that I'm not weak. Is that wrong?
It's best to avoid any relationship talk if possible. You shouldn't tell her to file, or not to file. That's the safest thing. In the end she will do what she wants regardless of what you say. However, pursuit or trying to hold on can sometimes cause an opposite reaction (they pull to get away ONLY because you are holding on).
With anything you do or say, gauge reaction. If it works continue, if it doesn't, don't repeat.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I hope we can keep these discussions going. It really takes my mind off things, as odd as it may sound, since we're talking about things! HEH
I have not had much contact with W this weekend. Actually none since Thursday until she texted me yesterday evening asking how the Open House went. I waited about 15-20 minutes, and just replied with, "That was yesterday, and no one came to it." All she responded with was, "Ok. Thx."
I have a really hard time knowing what to say when she keeps throwing grenades. Any suggestions?
