Ya know....I left something out. After all that diatribe on the PDF....and all her theories.....I left out one thing...for those lurkers and other men in the same position. What do you do when your W (in addition to DB, right sg?) trades you up for other men?
Her recs (not far from DB):
stop enabling
stop the pursuit (they think we're pathetic and not in touch with our feelings)
you have to find a way to break the limbo...you have to decide for them
she claims that exposing the affair kills it for them..it kills the thrill and secrecy....can give you a chance to work your way in there but the key to is undo the guilt they feel everytime they see you, i.e., if they've been boinking multiple men, can you still love them unconditionally?
a separation is a prelude to divorce and most likely an OM is either involved or was involved..if you have any chance at all, it must be before separation...once they leave..it ain't because they need 'to find themselves'. It's easier for them to do it this way than add to their guilt by hitting us hard and telling us the REAL TRUTH.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
More goes on that these women are inherent scorekeepers...that women don't like the imbalance....and that the erosion causes 'irrevocable damage'. When queried as to why their decision is irreversible (Jeff...still following?)..it's because they are 100% done with us by the time we find out what their needs were that were not met/how we 'screwed up'. By the time they explain why..it is like the teacher correcting the failed test. Done. Their feelings are gone. They punch out.
FIB
Sounds an awful lot like my H when he was in full bomb mode. My parents nicknamed him Mr. Quid Pro Quo. Yeah...this is exactly what I experienced with H. He never spoke a word about what he wanted, just kept score, and then shut off all his feelings for me. When the bomb happened, he wouldn't even promise he would try to save the M because I was 'incapable of change.'
So I'm not convinced this is just women...but definitely to a certain type of person. Sucks any way you look at it though, huh?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Well...yours came back SD, so, either I am a miserable DB'er and poor changer...or, as above, she just punched out a long time ago.
Ford...7 interviews yesterday...brutal after getting up at 3AM and a 6 hour flight. Meeting frank_d today. I think they all went well...it would be a total professional 180 for me and huge life change if offered the position, FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hey ford..frank_d is on the way over to pick me up at the hotel. I think what HE has planned WILL get us on the evening news.....
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Frank_d...thanks for your hospitality...you're a good man.
Today...I return home to NY to possibly face a huge fork in the road in my personal and professional life.One that may require me to move to CA for three months. In detaching, I also now must deal with phone calls coming in from 'Marty'...to my house asking for XXX...asking for playdates.
Maybe next time I'll tell him that she's'unavailable but I'd'be happy to meet him with S7
Just teasing. LOL FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hey FIB, so proud of you for your 180's. Hope you get whatever it is you are hoping for. And sorry, but Marty calling is just wrong and rude. Gets my Brooklyn up.
You are a good man. I hope you get to do some Caifornia surfin''
Exciting news. I was invited back to CA for interview #2. My life may take a completely new direction. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
