On the weekends that X has the kids, it's about once each month, sometimes less, I find I'm at a loss. I'm not really sure what I should do. I always think I'm going to get so much done, but I find myself doing NOTHING. I read, I sleep. I crave that time alone...no TV, no noise. Quiet. I think that maybe after the first couple of days of quiet, I would get into an activity, but with only two nights/one day of being without my children, I don't have time to adjust my thinking.
We had agreed that he would have the kids with him for 4 weeks during the summer, but he hasn't been able to do it and I, with nothing else to do, have not pushed it. I think it may be important for me to assert myself more...with my family and my X...so I have the time to SEE who I am and where I want to be.
Does that make sense?
As for following the crowd...that hasn't been my problem, but there have been times when I've...I see me hiding behind the curtain, not showing myself completely, but there, watching, wishing I could step out and let myself be seen. Instead, I pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
I swear I'm not that much of a freak, I just feel that way sometimes. I admire those people who are flamboyant and unafraid of being the center of attention. It makes me wonder what makes them different.
Funny, my dad is always telling my d6 that she always has to be the center of attention. I secretly cheer her on. Go ahead honey, demand it, claim it. If I can give that to my kids, fantastic.
I'm not an expert, but I've been there. And I survived.
