Gracias Cinco, That helps. I know he loves me . BUT~ I am just struggling. My next post will show you. I am struggling with... I feel ... The post will explain it. He has had so many affairs and they are haunting me. When he is distracted like this... it hurts. He acted the same when he was cheating.
I thought I had healed and all this is just making me see I am far from healed.
Thanks honey, you always show me the positive. God bless... ~Ali
I have felt this insecurity. I thought well, I just need to handle my emotions better. Then xxxxxx posts that she goes thru this.
I am somewhat amazed to be honest at the similairities.
I have lately been wrestling with the old feelings and the old pain. I hate it. I want it to just go away. I forgave him and yet I cant forget. I want to just erase it from my memory. I can be fine and then boom ... A memory comes up in me. I remember her , the other her and the first her. And then I wrestle with what the [censored] is wrong with me and why the [censored] did /do I try so hard? Why do I have to love him? I start to feel angry and then it laces all my interaction with him.
I could feel it swelling up in me since I posted a couple of weeks ago about the whores in the bar. I know he is faithful now but it still hurts like hell and I get so angry. I think I am more angry at myself than him. Angry for lving him still after he hurt me so very much. Angry that I try so hard to be a beautiful wife and he can just be him. That I allow myself to hurt over some bullshit.
The mutiple affairs have been to much. I have already informed him that if he ever does it again I am out. I cant take the pain all over again. I feel like I am ready to say good bye cause this seems to be a lot of work t times and he doesnt want to get his hands dirty. I am expected to be this perfect little doll who likes to cook and looks hot and like to suck xxxx. I feel so frustrated at the moment.
I remember posting awhile ago that he was happy , really happy and I felt like I was but I dont recalll ever typing it out. I was so focused on him and his happiness... I dunno if I was or am.
Is this just a cycle? This one for me is viscious and I am trying to fight it with all my might. This morning after reading what xxxxxx wrote I simply thought. Oh yeah that is me too..... and then the tears started and then I started sobbing. He said he was sorry and yet the way he treats me {sometimes } says he isnt. I am just going to try to feel it and let it go. BUT this is taking over and I dont like it.
I loved the New Earth stuff and have it on my Ipod~ and yet My Ego is screaming. I am angry and I [censored] hurt. I want to be free. I want to free to love and to feel loved w/o the affairs tainting my every feeling and everyday.
And I just realized yesterday that I am very lonely , he is here but I feel all alone. I hunger for him to touch me and kiss me and pay attention to me. I feel like he has me on pause until he feels like it. And we have sex every nite but that isnt enough for me. I initiate 98% of it....
Huuby just stopped home... D10 asked 3x ... Why arent you wearing your ring Daddy?
He didnt answer....
So I finally said .. honey Daddys ring is upstairs.
He then says...
?
Come here XXXXXXX,
He shows her his hand.
Blister still big as hell where the ring is supposed to be.
hand looks terrible to be honest...
And so is that the only reason?
I dunno????
???
Like I said I wont mention it to him.
I do know that this haunting me of his old behavior and affiars has got to go.....
I out on Amy Winehouse this morning to... Yuck~ when he got me the CD last year I love her voice but I could barely listen to it. I just put it on this morning and that made me cry even harder...
She seems to sing about being the OW all the time... Havent played it in a year and dont think I should ever play it again,,,, YUCK~
Sorry Amy I may have to delete you.
Al Green ?
Much better for me. I put him on afterward and I am listening to that now. And even better time to play my Marc Anthony song.... dancing in the living room all by myself or with the kids always cheers me up.
WOW~ this ia still harder than I thought.
I wonder do you ever really heal from the affairs fully? I hope so.
I feel for your situation so much, because I know the tremendous effort that you have put into repairing your marriage, and sex life in particular. It all sounds very one sided (with you doing all the work) at the moment.
I have a thought that I would like you to consider. Keep in mind that it's just my thought, so take it with ample salt. What I'm wondering is: have you perhaps been doing too much of the pursuing of late?
In The SSM, Michele talks about a see-saw effect where if one partner takes on the role of sexual pursuer too much, the other partner backs off and no longer initiates. I think there is also a 'natural' (if you want to call it that) masculine/feminine dynamic that you may be upsetting as well, in that the man is most naturally the enticed, the pursuer, and (if he's lucky) the conquerer, while the woman is most naturally the enticer, the pursued, and then the conquered. It's a pattern that enhances his masculinity, her femininity, and is a game that should never stop, even long after marriage.
So what would happen if you were to back off a notch or two, and give him some space to pursue you? This would allow him to fall into his natural masculine role, and to court and seduce YOU for a change. You can either entice or even play it a bit coy (whatever suits the situation), but either way, you're still available for him sexually.
What brought this to mind was that in Poet's thread, you mentioned how "going dark" worked very effectively for you in bringing his attention back to you in the past. In a sense, I'm wondering if doing a bit this in the sexual arena might work for you. He sounds like he's taking your frequent sexual overtures now far too much for granted, and is even being rather derogatory about them.
On the other hand, I know that you're afraid that if you back off even just a little, he'll point to it and say "See, I knew you were just faking your increased sexual interest and are now reverting back to your old self again...." This would be foolish of him in the extreme, but he's not being very wise at the moment to begin with. It's your call as to what the situation now calls for.
Some food for thought.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Huuby just stopped home... D10 asked 3x ... Why arent you wearing your ring Daddy?
He didnt answer....
So I finally said .. honey Daddys ring is upstairs.
He then says...
?
Come here XXXXXXX,
He shows her his hand.
Blister still big as hell where the ring is supposed to be.
hand looks terrible to be honest...
And so is that the only reason?
I dunno????
???
Like I said I wont mention it to him.
I do know that this haunting me of his old behavior and affiars has got to go.....
I out on Amy Winehouse this morning to... Yuck~ when he got me the CD last year I love her voice but I could barely listen to it. I just put it on this morning and that made me cry even harder...
She seems to sing about being the OW all the time... Havent played it in a year and dont think I should ever play it again,,,, YUCK~
Sorry Amy I may have to delete you.
Al Green ?
Much better for me. I put him on afterward and I am listening to that now. And even better time to play my Marc Anthony song.... dancing in the living room all by myself or with the kids always cheers me up.
WOW~ this ia still harder than I thought.
I wonder do you ever really heal from the affairs fully? I hope so.
I can't tell you how many times I wish I didn't lover her so it would make it easy for me to let go and to just move on. Why do I have to be so much in love with her? If we couldn't stand one another or I hated her, the decision to leave would be a simple one. But then I think what would I do without her? This has to be one of the most frustrating dilemmas, to stay or go... love 'em or leave 'em.
It does feel lonesome when you feel like they are not there for you 100%. I want to give her my all and she wants to be left alone. It's not just sex, it's wanting affection from them and it can't all be one sided. If they can't find it within themselves to show us their love on their own what can we do? I'm really trying to bring this out, however in the end it is up to them to decide if they want us or not.
You are not alone in the hurt caused by the longing for things to be different than they have turned out to be. But we still can't change what has already been done. We can only move past them and do what we can to make the present the best it can be.
One thing I got out of PM that applies here is to remember that there are times for everything in life. You can't always be happy. There are times to be happy and there are times to be sad. Times to be together and times to feel alone. We have to remember that these feelings of loneliness and hurt will pass and there will be times of joy and feelings of love once more... the time just isn't right now.
It is hard but we have to believe in ourselves enough to get through this, whatever the outcome may be.
Thanks Cinco, I have tried to post but my internet? Keeps losing signal or something.
My hubby came home before and D10 asks 3x no less. Where is your ring Daddy? She is very detail oriented, anyway. He avoids answering? I say XXXXXX, it is upstairs. Stop asking about it. K?
He then says... XXXXXXX, come here .
?
Look at Daddys hand. OUCH, looks like it really hurts! Shows her the blister. It is actually right below where the ring would be. And to be honest his hand looks terrible.
HMMMMMMM~ So was the ring "throwing" really neccessary? Is he feeling ridiculius for doing it ? Dunno.... I am starting to think ...
HE WANTED ME TO MAKE A FUSS ABOUT LIKE THE LAST TIME HE TOOK IT OFF OR GIVE IT BACK. ... No such luck , I am not going to say anything. Even if it kills me and it bothers me.
Also his "boss" called him when he stopped home. My H is a Subcontractor. And my H said.. " YEAH , I AM AT HOME . I WILL BE THERE IN A BIT."
Then he smiled like the cat who ate the mouse and said ...
ok yeah!
When he got off the phone. I said what was that all about? He kept smiling ... It was nice to see him smile for a change.
He said XXXXXXX said " well hurry up.. dont stay home F*kcing Ali all day OK?"
Ummmm.... I guess some guys talk like that. Way back when I did some construction work some of the talk was on a pretty base level like that. Sounds like that boss is envious of him having you Ali.
I would not worry too much about the ring with the blister and all. It is really true when they say children are aware of very much that goes on around them.
I can see you are starting to feel a little better already Ali.
Cinco is right...don't let anyone fool you about how we feel inside about women. Go watch The Family Man with Nicholas Cage. I watched that movie all the time with my STBXW and it always choked me up inside. I'm not sure I could watch it ever again.
Contrary to the 'cheeseless tunnel' thing we read here about the rings, it IS significant if it is not on. If his doesn't fit, re-size it and see what happens. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
