Now, my birthday is Monday. This will be my first birthday with H out of the house, and my first that I may not have any contact with H. My first birthday since my 16th birthday. I still remember the surprise 16th birthday my H threw for me.................I still can't believe that THIS is my reality. I wlll have the kids though, even though it is technically "his night."
I keep telling H we need to talk schedule, and he says, I'll call you----but doesn't. I'm beginning to feel like I'm ready to play hardball when it comes to scheduling. I'm just sick of the avoidance..........
It's now been a week since I told him I knew about OW---and still nothing. He didn't say one WORD when I told him. He's acted like nothing's changed since. I'm beginning to regret the statement that I made about not telling the world about it......
I have glimpses of my strong self............I think sometimes that I am so much better than someone who would "kill" to have her cheating husband back. Why am I willing to pretend like it didn't happen? What does it say about me that I'm willing to overlook this. I tell myself that it's because of the love in my heart and the committment to my kids, our family and marriage----but is it because I'm just weak, and dependent????? Pefect justification for working on GAL...............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, I gave in. I know part of it is PMS, but I couldn't help myself.........and I sent the following:
I would really like to continue to ignore all of this. I would like to be able to be patient and wait for you to talk to me, but there are things I need to say, things I need you to know, things I wanted to say last week, but couldn't.
In some way, in my gut, I knew that I was right about OW two years ago. I wanted to believe that my "false" accusation pushed us off into the deep end. I wanted to believe that this was all my fault. I wanted to believe that this was something that, if I just worked hard enough, I could fix. I did believe all of this for a long time, and it took me a long time to realize and fully understand that this was not something I could fix.
I stand by everything I've written over the past two years---all of the feelings that I have shared, and my assessments of myself and us. I stand by the deep feelings that I have for you, feelings that I am only now fully understanding myself. I accept my part in where we are at right now, but I also recognize the fact that this isn't just about us. Everything that has happened in our relationship for the past 2+ years, as well as your memory of our past has been affected by your attraction to and relationship with OW. There is no way that this is not true. I recognize that there was something missing in our marriage and relationship, or you would have not turned to someone else. I am not going to minimize the situation, but I need you to know, that in some way, I understand.
I have spent a lot of time questioning my life, feeling like I've lived a lie, because it appeared that we saw our past so differently. I could not understand how I could be so wrong. How could my memory be so skewed?? But, I know I was/am not wrong. We did not have a miserable marriage. I have not lived a lie. We had a very rough couple of years, for a lot of reasons, followed by the last two years of hell. A lot of what we have been through is just life. What we have shared, what we have accomplished, and the family that we have built are real. This means something, this is something that cannot be minimized. I will not let this make me question our past anymore. This will make me a better person for the future, whatever that may be.
I don't know what path you will choose, but I understand that this is your choice. I still believe that you need to talk to someone about what is going on inside of you, but I know I can't make that happen. I still believe with all my heart that THIS is not YOU. I still believe with all of my heart that we belong together, and our family belongs together. But, I know that you don't or can't see this, and maybe never will. I say this, not in an effort to assess blame or instill guilt, but just as the way I see things.
I remember telling MC that I thought we just didn't get help soon enough. You agreed and said that combined with all of the damage that has been done.......... There is no damage that cannot be repaired. I believe that. I will be here and ready to talk about anything or everything when you are.
..................... I know I should have stayed at NC, but for me, I had to say these things. I don't really know that I can make anything worse at this point..........I also know that anything I say or do will not change things. Sometimes, I just have to let him know my thoughts...........I can't help it.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I told FW many of the same things you have said in this letter early on.
They do hear it, but at this time it won't make a difference, or it will seem like it doesn't.
FW would never respond when I said things like that to him. He later told me it was because I was right about a lot of things and he didn't want to hear or admit to it at the time.
You did no harm, IMO. Now it's off your chest and you can move on.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
(((di))) I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how difficult this all is for you. I just wonder what you were hoping to accomplish by sending your H the letter. Do you expect a reply? If he did reply, what would you expect him to say? Do you want a confession?
All over the email you keep saying things about you and your feelings. What your H is going through isn't really about you...it is about him. He is unhappy and he believes it is the M that is making him unhappy. You need to give him time and space to figure out what the real source of his discontent.
Sure he sees your history differently than you do...he has to justify what he is doing...if he let himself see that the two of you have had even a relatively happy life together, then he would have no reason to do what he is doing. The more you push for answers, the more emails you send, the more you try to get him to see your point of view, (in his mind) the more justification he has for his actions. He has to come up with his own answers in his own time and he will see your point of view only when he is ready to.
I hate to sound like a broken record but you need to let go and realize that even though your world as you know it is falling apart, this isn't about you. Show your H your strength. Show your H that you may not like his choices but you accept them. Show your H that you can grow and thrive despite what he does. Be the lighthouse.
Hang in there di. I believe the sooner you drop the rope, the sooner things will get easier for you.
I don't expect anything from him. I don't even want a reply at this time. I don't need a confession, I know the truth. The e-mail was for me, like I said. It's been a week since I told him that I KNOW about the OW and he pretends like it didn't happen. He sat there and cried and was unable to speak, but cannot acknowledge it---for who knows what reason. Last week I addressed the fact that I know about OW. This e-mail was sent to tell him what I think about it. It was for me. I think I am showing H my strength. I don't see my current e-mail as needy or blaming like they used to be. If anything, I hope he notices the difference, but it doesn't matter to me if he doesn't. I know I'm not a very good DB'er, but I am living this life and dealing with this with myself in mind.
I know I can make it without him. I used to not think that I could. I am making progress. I am getting out more. I do have a new hobby. I know I have a LONG way to go to GAL, but I do not know how it can be done with so much left unsaid.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
H showed up at D15's marching band family night. I could smell alcohol on his breath. He came right after sending me an e-mail about wanting to go visit his best friend, but shared e-mails with his wife and it is "clear that he is not welcome there." These are the friends I visited last weekend. I assured him that he was wrong. There was no way that he "was not wanted there." It had to be a misunderstood e-mail. I urged him to call his friend. He said well, it will be hard to visit with wife there............the anger is returning. Probably due to my e-mail, but I don't care.
I just really don't understand this. H and his friend have been the very best of friends since they were children. It hurts me to see him think that he has to abandon his friendship. It hurts me to see him think that all of this makes sense----that there is anything that can be worth losing everything that has always been important. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I know I can't.
I really don't know who he is now.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
What to do...........This is "H's weekend" with the kids. D11's softball team is having an end of season party tonight. It is a family event. With circumstances the way they are, and H's current state, I told D that I probably would not go to the party. H e-mailed this morning and asked what time the party was. I told him, and then told him that I told D I would not be going. I told him I was guessing that he would be more comfortable without me there.
He just replied and said he wants me to go to the party. Says he really doesn't want to go to the party because D has tryouts this morning (3 hours) and with the party, it pretty much takes up the whole day. (Now this competitve team was HIS idea.....)
I'm so tired of playing the guessing game...........do I stay or do I go????????
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It all sounds so easy...............I have a long way to go. I still don't know how to think about what I want first. Never have. Pretty sad.................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
