Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[One Day]

Hi ITH,

Not sure if you'll get this before seeing H, but I like the idea of you experimenting with asking him a quesiton that might get him to open up about his feelings. Even better if it's not R related.

In my R, I think H never really opened up to me; it's probably the main reason why he felt we didn't communicate well. He's opening up now, but more so about his work which is a safe and neutral topic that I can be supportive about.

I hope it goes well today.

L.

[istherehope]

Thanks OD!

I leave in about an hour, so I'm glad I saw this first! I am so nervous about this meeting, as I am dying to ask him if he misses me, if he feels happy etc. It is going to be all I can do not to ask if I can move back now, but he specifically said he keeps thinking I am going to go back on giving him space, so I need to steer clear of this unless he brings it up. So instead I am going to ask the following:

1)How was your business trip last week? You mentioned that your boss gave you a really positive review. I'm glad to hear that your hard work is paying off. What do you see the future looking like at this company, and where do you hope to be in your role?

2)Depending on what he says here, I'm going to try and stick something in about how it makes sense to stick around here longer than originally planned if it's good for his career. This is sort of future talk, so I'll play it by ear...

3)How are the pets doing, and a few specific questions in case he wants to say that they miss me--very long shot

Thanks OD, and I'll post later today, with good news I hope.

ITH

[One Day]

Hi ITH,

I think you're doing the riht thing by not asking him if he misses you etc. He'll tell you he is when he feels ready to (be prepared for that to take time).

In relation to question 1, could you just stop at 'how was the business trip last week'? and leave him to open up? Then you can be positive and supportive; let him boast a bit about how great he is....

Don't be nervous. Your DB success won't depend entirely on this one interaction, and I know it's going to go well in any case!

L.

[Jen_Jam]

Good luck ITH!

Been following along, just wanted to say good luck with the meet, don't get your hopes up too much and if it all goes badly we're here for you when you get back (((((ITH)))))

[istherehope]

Hi JJ,

Great to hear from you!

BTW what do you think about giving a letter in general, good or bad?

ITH

[Jen_Jam]

I pretty much agree with the others on the letter ... shorten it, if it's been said before then don't repeat.

But - one thing I will say is don't get your expectations up. You said in the letter you weren't looking for a response. If you are deep down hoping for one then you may well be disappointed.

I had a talk to my H last night about what he was going through when he dropped the bomb on me. he said he felt utterly miserable. he had no enjoyment of anything in life, he felt lonely and really down. He doesn't want to call it a depression, he describes it as being "down". He did also say he never seriously considered getting a D. It was all about him, how he felt. OK, our M wasn't great but that wasn't the only contributing factor. There were a lot of factors (eg his job) over which I had no influence. He wanted to feel happy again but felt lost. Our M problems I managed to resolve relatively easily, but as I said there were other areas affcting him which I could not help with at all. I had to sit and wait it out.

Just a little insight into what MAY be going through your H's mind.

[istherehope]

Ok I am obsessive because I'm typing this on my Blackberry. I am at our house...basically I took the train to the stop by our house. H said he wasn't hungry, let's just meet at the house. I come and he's not in very good spirits, doesn't feel well or really want to do anything, but did ask me to come here. So, I took the dogs for a walk, then came back.

This is when things heat up so for anyone easily offended by this stuff, please look away ;). I've lost some weight, so I stood by H and lifted up my skirt to show that I looked thinner. It was maybe a bit manipulative, but we ended up in the bedroom, and yes, there was sex, and it was very good. Like expected, afterwards he got dressed super quickly. Fine, I saw that coming. Now I am here in the house, not really sure how long to stay or what to do. He is at the computer doing paperwork for our car registration and I am upstairs with the cats. I asked about Thursday night before I leave for Poland whether I stay in a hotel by the airport or at the house, said I didn't really care. Famous let's just see pops out. Anyway this is actually not such a bad thing as it's in less than 1 week and at least he's not saying definitely no.

So I think I'll stay another hour or so just to seem normal, and show that we can be under the same roof but apart comfortably, and then if he doesn't want to talk or do anything, I'll head out.

This is very weird...
ITH

[istherehope]

Ok I am obsessive because I'm typing this on my Blackberry. I am at our house...basically I took the train to the stop by our house. H said he wasn't hungry, let's just meet at the house. I come and he's not in very good spirits, doesn't feel well or really want to do anything, but did ask me to come here. So, I took the dogs for a walk, then came back.

This is when things heat up so for anyone easily offended by this stuff, please look away ;). I've lost some weight, so I stood by H and lifted up my skirt to show that I looked thinner. It was maybe a bit manipulative, but we ended up in the bedroom, and yes, there was sex, and it was very good. Like expected, afterwards he got dressed super quickly. Fine, I saw that coming. Now I am here in the house, not really sure how long to stay or what to do. He is at the computer doing paperwork for our car registration and I am upstairs with the cats. I asked about Thursday night before I leave for Poland whether I stay in a hotel by the airport or at the house, said I didn't really care. Famous let's just see pops out. Anyway this is actually not such a bad thing as it's in less than 1 week and at least he's not saying definitely no.

So I think I'll stay another hour or so just to seem normal, and show that we can be under the same roof but apart comfortably, and then if he doesn't want to talk or do anything, I'll head out.

This is very weird...
ITH

[istherehope]

Ok me again,

Next update. I'm still at the house-actually asked if it was stressing him out, and he said no he was fine right now.

So then I asked him about work, about his business trip to Portugal and asked if he'd ever want to live there; I said I'd be willing to move there for awhile. He looked a little surprised, and I kept this up for a bit talking about places we could live. This actually went ok, he didn't seem too stressed.

Now he's out on a bike ride, but I'm downloading some shows online and he'd said I should stay til they complete anyway.

Pretty confusing day so far-he doesn't want to hang out, but doesn't seem to want me to leave. I love being here-it's so comfortable, but I'm getting a little nervous now. I may have pushed things too far, but his attitude isn't telling me that yet, so I may test the waters with some other stuff-maybe with future budget plans as this can be pretty innocent...

Of course you'll all hear from me pretty soon again ;).

ITH

[LolaL]

Hi ITH...sometimes, you have to let go and let God. I know that is hard, by nature we want everything to resolve quickly. Your opportunity will present, but don't force it. Go with the flow, and see where it takes you. BTW, this is coming from someone who has had a VERY hard time with that...but trust me it does work.