is it really true?

[stella_k]

I don't think your H would intentionally lead you to believe that the two of you would get back together just to dump you when you move back.

No, addie, I don't think he would. I'm afraid, though, that it is ME leading myself to believe that, interpreting his words the way I want. I've always had problems with taking NO for an answer, I keep asking the same que until I hear feeble YES .

My H has told me many times that he is unhappy, suffering, "in hell", while S; that for the past year every day was like 9/11 for him (a very strong statement), that he wants his "home" and his life back. And that he never stopped loving me (most important).

But he also said that he and OW have special chemistry, that she is the only one he wants to ML to, that I made him miserable, that he was in a SSM for too long, that he doesn't know if he can come back "for real", that there is part of me he hates (the angry me is not a pleasant sight; and I cry a lot).
And the worst - he doesn't miss me (after nearly 20 months of S!).
Now I can see how very contradictory it is, but that's the way things are.

Yesterday I've done something silly. I asked a que: what shall I do in order to get H back? and then opened a dictionary randomly.
The word I was pointing at was "departure". It startled me at first, then I thought of D17 leaving for college and a short trip (5 days) I have to make to bring her there, while H will stay in the empty house, getting ready for the move.
It is very hard for me to see her off, I think it will be even harder for him, he's never been there for her during her last year "at home" and he'll only have 4 days with her!

Could that be the "departure"?
May be it will wake him up finally?

I'm afraid I don't make much sense after sleepless night