"This is the hard part. When he is away it's as if we don't exist. Not sure what to make of that. Any thoughts?"
Yes, because my H does this, too.
He told me that just because we do not hear from him does not mean that he stops missing and thinking about us. He said he thinks about all of us all the time and misses us as well.
Steelers, I think my H thinks about me too but he works very hard to block me out. He stuffs his feelings inside so he doesn't have to feel loss. I just don't know what to think about this all.
I don't know whether to treat him for his BD, especiallt since he told me to move on day before my BD, as if saying "don't bother celebrating birthdays because we're not together". But then he said he wants to be friends. Don't friends celebrate BDs, though?
The boys didn't acknowledge my BD this year, probably because he never told them. He did last year.
well, if you feel more comfortable you can just send him a text saying happy birthday and let him feel the loss of how you have always celebrated.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Steelers, Yes, I have been contemplating whether this is the best. I don't even know how to get the BD cake to him. I even thought of sending it by courier but that's probably pretty pricey to do. He likes this special cake (from cake mix) and he likes the way I make it best. Yes, it will certainly make him thinkand feel how he's made me feel. Yet, I am not trying to be vindicative at all.
Well you could invite him out for his BD and then have cake at your place. I remember h's last bday, he said what's to celebrate. Our bdays are 5 days apart so we went out to dinner and then had dessert.
Our anniversary 9 years is coming up in 12 days. This is the 3rd one apart. This is getting old. H hasn't mentioned anything of recent, but he did say to the c that it was coming up and jokingly we might need an emergency session depending on how the anniversary went.
I am getting nervous. What really are we celebrating? That we are still together, but not living together? Grrrrrh!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
The other day I left my W a VM about wishing she had let me know something before she came by and picked her stuff up, just have been a little more respectful. Anyway she called today to apologize. I told her that I accept her apology but to not worry about it.
Anyhow when talking about us, nothing in her mind as changed. She still doesn't want to work on our marriage. She says it's my problem and I will have to deal with the consequences. She did mention that in these four months she hasn't filed for divorce but she was thinking about it and ask me if I was going to fight her on it. She said her reason for not filing yet was due to her up bringing and religious belief. I won't give in for the same reason, thinking about it we have that in common. I said well you are pushing my back into a corner. She ask what I meant. I said well you are asking me to give you something that goes against everything I believe in. She feels like I owe her that much. I wanted to ask her this question that I didn't get to which was this: "We have been together for six and half years and apart for 4 months, can we just give it some time?" A few hours later I sent her a text about calling her for 5 min to ask my question, she replied "no send me a text I have nothing to say to you nor do I want to hear anything you have to say" I didn't send her a text because I think some things you should hear each others voice. Anyhow several hours later I sent her a text that said "I am praying for you and us." I am still trying to stand, do the right thing, and come from my heart.
Well you could invite him out for his BD and then have cake at your place. I remember h's last bday, he said what's to celebrate. Our bdays are 5 days apart so we went out to dinner and then had dessert.
Our anniversary 9 years is coming up in 12 days. This is the 3rd one apart. This is getting old. H hasn't mentioned anything of recent, but he did say to the c that it was coming up and jokingly we might need an emergency session depending on how the anniversary went.
I am getting nervous. What really are we celebrating? That we are still together, but not living together? Grrrrrh!
glam, I hope you get to do something sweet for your anniversary. I was thinking about you and your H this morning. In my opinion, I think he does want to be home with you, but because he's so depressed he cannot handle the responsibility of being a Dad and H and doesn't want to face possibility of failure in fulfilling that responsibility. Plus, he's too depressed to handle any stress of daily living, so if he comes home now, he has to deal with his own stresses and stresses from living at home - the kids, you, any disagreements, etc.
My H celebrates his BD, at least with his family. I am praying about how to handle it.
Sooners you are doing the right thing. If she asks about D I would just say W that is not what I want and walk away. Don't get in a discussion with her about it.
As far as asking her ?'s I would leave that alone for now too. I know in the beginning I would press my h and he would say what is with all the ?'s and refuse to answer any of them or you get an answer that you are not prepared to hear.
She is giving you all the canned responses. She needs time to process her thoughts. Stand and be loving, kind and supportive to her. That is what will help her the most.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
The other day I left my W a VM about wishing she had let me know something before she came by and picked her stuff up, just have been a little more respectful. Anyway she called today to apologize. I told her that I accept her apology but to not worry about it.
Anyhow when talking about us, nothing in her mind as changed. She still doesn't want to work on our marriage. She says it's my problem and I will have to deal with the consequences. She did mention that in these four months she hasn't filed for divorce but she was thinking about it and ask me if I was going to fight her on it. She said her reason for not filing yet was due to her up bringing and religious belief. I won't give in for the same reason, thinking about it we have that in common. I said well you are pushing my back into a corner. She ask what I meant. I said well you are asking me to give you something that goes against everything I believe in. She feels like I owe her that much. I wanted to ask her this question that I didn't get to which was this: "We have been together for six and half years and apart for 4 months, can we just give it some time?" A few hours later I sent her a text about calling her for 5 min to ask my question, she replied "no send me a text I have nothing to say to you nor do I want to hear anything you have to say" I didn't send her a text because I think some things you should hear each others voice. Anyhow several hours later I sent her a text that said "I am praying for you and us." I am still trying to stand, do the right thing, and come from my heart.
Sooners, It was sweet of your W to apologize. If she is not filing because of her beliefs, it seems you have a leg to stand on. You need to pray for yourself as well, for God to show you what YOU need to change in yourself. It seems she is staying away because she isn't confident of things working out between you due to the past. Focus on your changes and ask God for help to change whatever it is, if there is anything to change.
Thanks PH for another perspective. Yes, pray about how to handle it. It could be a different day you invite your h out. I know that we don't always celebrate on the day, but we pick a day that week in honor of the Bday or whatever it is we are celebrating.
I am not sure what we will be doing for our anniversary. I will let he decide. It wasn't too many years ago that h was taking me on a dinner cruise. Where is that h?
Any plans for the weekend?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
glam, Your H is in alien land - but he's peeking out very often - be grateful so he peeks more and more....
Going to colonic, and then lunch, and maybe movie. Not sure. I should do things with others but I don't seem to know who to ask. Everyone has their own lives...
