Who's the sex-starved one? Him or me?

[Bagheera]

Dear Bagheera,

I am so glad I found your thread. I am trying with all my heart to come to grips with what is happening to what is left with my M, which is virtually nothing. I think some of it may have to do with similarities (sex) of what you had problems with in yours.

Is there any possible way you can visit my thread and see if you have any advice for me. I'm not crazy like I sound in some of my posts, but I am pretty desperate. I have only been a member since 7/2/08, but everything got so worse since then, and I'm feeling like there is no hope left. I know this is the wrong attitude, but I do need some help from these boards today, and I'm sure if you're around, you may see something in what's going on.

Hello Suzanne,

It's taken me a few days to go through your now four (!) threads, but I think I'm up to date on your situation. The only thing I'm unclear on is whether or not your H (and his lawyer) have accepted your 8 month (with counseling) deal or not -- I presume not, based upon your latest posts.

I'm so sorry for what you are now going through. I have no experience with actual Divorce Busting, haven't even read the book, so I'll continue to sit out on your current thread in the For Newcomers forum and let the folks who have lived through such a mess (such as Alimari here), applied these principles successfully, and who know what they're talking about continue to advise you. You've got a good support group going there.

With regard to your Sex-Starved Marriage and it's cause, I'm also very sorry that you didn't get the understanding, support, and help that you needed at the time of the flashback in 1996. I can't be too harsh on your husband (fiance at the time) because I know that he truly did not understand the long-term effects that such a trauma could have, particularly on your future sexual relationship as a married couple. From what you've described, you didn't seem to understand how much in need of professional help you were yourself. It isn't your fault or his, but the incident did cast a long shadow over your entire relationship before it even got off the ground.

That said, however, your husband handled the developing sexual problems in completely the wrong way (typing the obvious here, I know). Since your H claimed the role of dominant partner ("the boss," as you say) in the relationship, then he should have taken the lead and gotten you BOTH into counseling as soon the lack of intimacy began to cause serious problems. He should have educated himself on the repercussions of rape on the victim, and learned how to properly support you in working through the issue. Instead, he showed both a severe lack of commitment to the relationship, and a severe lack of integrity, in going outside of the marriage to get his sexual needs met.

At this point, I think it's probably best for you to focus on handling the divorce situation, and set addressing your sexual issues aside for awhile. Such issues are difficult to face and heal, even with professional help, and really require you to be in a position of stability in the other aspects of your life -- something that you don't have right now -- in order to truly work through them successfully. Once your life has stabilized somewhat, and you have some supporting family/friends behind you, I would strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling, from someone who specializes in such matters. Your life will be so much better for it, whether you remain married to your H or not.

My wife was repeatedly sexually abused as a young girl, and then raped once as a teenager: her only sexual experiences prior to meeting me (it hurts and angers me still to even type that). So believe me when I say that it IS possible to heal from such traumas and enjoy a happy and fulfilling sexual relationship. But it takes a lot of courage, work, and a supporting and loving partner to do so. So have some hope, make a mental note to come back to the issue, but for now, handle the stuff that's already on your overly full plate.

Best regards,

Bagheera


P.S. If you've gone through my threads here, you probably have a good idea now as how much pain the lack of a physical relationship causes a husband (and damages your relationship). However, given the way that your H handled the situation, you owe him NOTHING WHATSOEVER. At some point FAR down the road, if you both end up in counseling together, you might want to share this new-found understanding with him, but as far as I'm concerned, his dept to you is the greater one.