Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[new_attitude]

Happy Birthday!!! Take the rest of that check and spend it on something nice for yourself!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Happy Birthday,

May you get what you wish, in the way that you wish it.

[Mike85]

Wow. God works in amazing, mysterious ways...

I got a phone call at about 2:30 pm. It was W, sobbing and near-hysterical. She said she was stranded. She carpooled to work with OM, he dropped her off, was supposed to get her at 1... and didn't. She had been trying to get a hold of him via his cell, via his friends, and apparently no one knew where he was. She tried calling other people to help her, but no one was around. I was her last hope, and she said she felt like "a heel" for even asking me for help. She said she was afraid that OM was in a car accident, but he has had a long history of falling off the wagon and going AWOL for days when he was stressed.

I told her that I could come and get her. That started a whole conversation about how I'm still her H, that I still love her unconditionally and care for her, and that of course I'd want her to call me if she was sick, depressed, or truly in need (e.g., being stranded in the middle of a city, 40 miles from home). She said that she couldn't believe that I still felt that way about her after what she had done. She said I was an 'amazing man." She cried. A lot. We talked for a long time. She said that she wanted me to know that she still loved me too, that she knew that she was "screwed up," that she did like her lake lifestyle but felt torn, etc. Lots of crying. She consented to my getting her.

Just as I was getting my keys to go get her, she called back to say that some of her friends from the lake called her and said they were near her location and could get her. I wasn't needed for the ride. She called me a half-hour later, when they dropped her off at her house. Still no sign of OM.

She knew I was a little down with my birthday circumstances, and she didn't want to be alone. She also wanted to continue our conversation. She called MIL, who agreed to watching the kids.

I was nervous. I worried about what to say, what NOT to say. I realized that God placed this opportunity that I had prayed for before me, so I'd better not blow it.

She came and got me and the kids, dropped the kids off, and then it was just W and me.

We spent a few hours just driving around, going to her lake house, sitting on the dock, talking. She showed me her boat. I did a lot of listening. A female friend of hers called to check on her, and b/c of our seating, I couldn't help but hear W's half of the conversation. The female friend gave W "tough love" and got W to admit that OM was probably on a bender. W told her friend that she was with me and that I was "amazing" and being a "great friend", sitting with her and listening to her. After she hung up, W talked me into getting a haircut (she prefers my hair shorter, as opposed to the "Jim Morrison" length/style I was currently in). It was weird. So domestic.

Our conversations touched on what we'd each been doing, our accomplishments, our disappointments. W touched my leg once in a while. W told me that her female friend had told her that she's big-hearted and wants to believe the best in everyone, but that what OM did was selfish and something you wouldn't do to a FRIEND, let alone a girlfriend. I kept silent and listened. Our conversation was light for the most part.

Anyhow, hours later, we retrieved the kids, came back to the house. W said goodbye to the kids and spent a lot of time hugging our oldest. It was obvious that she misses him, his brother... and me.

When W and I said goodbye, we hugged for a looooooooong time. It was a good, tight hug. She quietly thanked me. She said she loved me. I whispered that I loved her too, waited a sec, and added "unconditionally and forever." She cried and hugged me harder. I'll admit it - I was crying too. She quietly asked me how it feels to know that when the chips are truly down for her, she always comes to me. I told her that it felt good. It was hard to let her go, but I did. One more soft kiss, and she left.

She's still living at the lake, is still with OM (assuming he ever returns), etc., and I shouldn't start planning for her imminent return, but, positive steps were taken. By both of us.

I had prayed to God every night and morning for Him to begin to open W's heart to me again. He saved this amazing day for my birthday. What a gift.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mike,

The only way your Birthday could have been better is if YOU blew up the Death Star.

Congrats man.

Slow and steady...word of caution.

Keep the day to yourself, and us here. Enjoy your day, your moment.

[Mike85]

Jack:

Thanks.

I give credit to the way I dealt with the day to DB techniques: listening more, resisting the urge to add my 0.02 to criticize the OM (even when W put it out there), acting "as if", playing it cautious. The only times I considered what I was doing as risky were when I stated my unconditional love and told her that I missed her. Those things *could* have backfired on me, but they came at moments that seemed appropriate, so I took the chance, and they paid off.

I don't think that W and I would have even HAD this day had I not gotten help from Michele's books and this board (and of course, Divine Intervention), and this day could have potentially have seen a lot of backsliding on my part. I was cautious and took things slowly. My efforts were genuine, and because they were consistent with everything I have said to her, our friends, etc., I think she realized that they were 100% genuine.

Like you said, Jack, "slow and steady." I won't blow today up into some massive reconciliation, but the positive steps definitely were there, and I'm still savoring them (the smell of W's perfume is still on me). I know that this roller coaster ride will probably have some rude shocks for me down the road, but today's memories are something I can hang onto for a long, long time and use for motivation.

[Mike85]

And the roller coaster ride continues.

At about 10 am, I was worrying about W, since I hadn't heard from her. If OM hadn't returned or contacted her, I knew that W would be a basketcase. I figured that texting was lower-key than calling.

At about 10 am, I decided to text W to see if she was OK. Her reply was just "No."

I texted again to ask if she had heard anything. Her reply again was just "No"

I texted a 3rd time and asked if she wanted to talk. She said yes.

She was a mess. Had no proof as to whether OM was dead, in a hospital, on a bender, or just AWOL from stress. She had spent night alone and couldn't sleep. She had no one else to hang with and keep her company, since her friends were out of town.I offered for me and the kids to be with her, in any venue she chose. She came over. We played ladderball as a family, sat in Adirondack chairs, ran around the yard. W was smiling, laughing. She beat me in ladderball.

Eventually, the kids got hungry, and our youngest was yelling for Chuck E. Cheese. W figured that it was early enough, so we drove the half-hour to get there. Had a great time, even though the pizza was AWFUL. W kicked butt in skeeball. We were there about an hour and a half. Periodically, she would check her phone for messages.

Then the bad thing happened. As I was getting the kids ready for departure (the dreaded turning in of tickets for prizes), W came over, crying. She said "I have to get our of here" and ran out of the place. After the kids finally cashed in their stuff, we went outside and saw W sitting on curb, looking at her phone and yelling at herself. Apparently, OM had called while she was playing skeeball and she never heard her phone ring. She was angry at herself for coming with us, for playing skeeball, for missing the call...

We drove home mostly in silence. She kept redialing OM's phone # and periodically hit the steering wheel out of her anger at herself. I didn't say anything. I didn't know WHAT to say. Every once in a while I'd rub her arm in sympathy, and she didn't recoil.

When we got home, she gave the kids hugs and kisses and almost fell into my arms, sobbing. I whispered to her that she shouldn't be mad at herself for spending time with her own children, that the alternative would have been sitting at home, alone, going crazy, hoping that he MIGHT call. I told her that she WAS checking her phone periodically and it was an accident that she missed his call, which could have happened no matter where she was. She hugged me tighter, and I said that if I didn't hear/read from her by 6, that I'd text her to see if she was OK, and that all she'd have to do is text me back. I told her to call her friend Jen and ask her to come over - she shouldn't be alone. Then, I told her that I loved her, she told me that she loved me and thanked me for the last two days, and drove off.

[sigh]

I'm drained.

In my heart, I know that a lot of people, myself included, knew that OM was going to do this to her at some point. He has a habit of falling off the wagon and going AWOL. I didn't expect it so soon. This time, he stranded her a half-hour from home, didn't contact her for 24 hours, and then became unreachable again. She's upset. Almost hysterical. She can't believe that he would do this to her. It kills me to see her hurting like this, especially over HIM. All I can do is support her, be careful in what I say and do, be careful with my own heart, and be patient and loving. Seeing the woman I love more than anything in this state hurts so much. Thank God I've got the kids for the rest of the weekend to keep me occupied.

Oh, and as per Jack's advice, I haven't mentioned any of this stuff to anyone else.

[mishka422]

Good grief Mike! I can't believe you had the strength to comfort her while she cried over OM. You're quite a strong man.

[Mike85]

mishka:

Here's the thing - I gain nothing by abandoning her (as he had done). I gain nothing by saying "I told you so." I gain nothing by telling her that she's the one who chose that alcoholic, self-destructive, selfish, immature lardbutt. I gain nothing by saying "Well, you made your choice, now sit alone in your apartment and deal with the consequences."

First off, that's not who I am. I would NEVER do that to the woman I love.

That asshat OM gave me the opportunity to show W that I have always been, and continue to be, someone on whom W can rely. The juxtaposition of our characters was evident, and hopefully will continue to be so to W.

She knows I hate him. She knows that what she is doing hurts me. She knows that I want her back. She originally called me *only* as a last resort, and was uncomfortable about doing so. I opened my house to her, opened my heart to her, and she knew -and knows- how it tears me up inside. I know her well enough to know that she knows -at some level- the cost to me. She saw that I was willing to pay that cost for her.

She was in the honeymoon phase with him, yet the cracks were already showing prior to this. His overeating and laying around bothers her. Then he made a point of having a talk with her about how he is just not "into" kids. And now, he's done this. All within two months. I know that right now, she'll probably try to rationalize his behavior to others, but I also know that she's beginning to realize that she may have made some poor choices, including him. Hell, SHE brought up some R stuff yesterday and we discussed the possibility of us selling the house and US buying one on the lake. SHE made the point of telling me that I needed to know that she still loves me.

I just need to be patient, supportive, and not push her.

Damned straight this is hard. And it still hurts. But I don't want to make the mistake of overreacting and spooking her. As jack said, I have to be cautious - for me, and for us. I can honestly see how confused and (in her own words) "screwed up" she is, and this has diminished my anger for her and made me more compassionate. I hate what she's doing (the sin), but I still love her (the sinner).

BTW, I thank God for the strength. Every night and morning, I pray for strength, wisdom, patience, and compassion. Any of those qualities I seem to have in abumdance, He is providing.

[Mike85]

Watched some of the Bills-Skins preseason game (I'm jonesin' for football big time...), then put the kids to bed. Had some time to reflect on the events of the last two days.

Oh - and I texted wife at 6 pm, as I told her I would, just to see if she was OK. All I asked was if she was OK and if she was at least with friends in any event. She answered yes to both. I text-replied "Good," told her that if she needed anything to get a hold of me, and that I'd see her on Monday (when she normally pick the kids up for the day). All very low key. Unless she contacts me, I don't plan to contact her 'til Monday.

Sitting here now, going over the last two days, I'm convinced that God answered my prayers. He gave me a chance to see if I could walk the talk. As much as I loved being with W, I knew that (as Jack warned), I had to be cautious. Keeping silent and just listening at times was difficult. Looking back on the things I said and did, the choices I made in how we spent our time... I think I did OK. I think my telling her that my love for her was "unconditional and forever" made a definite impact.

All I can do now is be patient and gradually build upon the opportunity I was given this weekend.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - there's NO WAY that I could have gotten this far without the advice and support of the folks here. Thanks.

[job]

Mike,
You handled the situation in an exceptional manner. You've earned the gold star this week!

You've hit it right on target...patience is the key and while you are being patient, you are also building a stronger foundation of trust and compassion. You've come a long way in a very short period time.

Keep up the good work!