Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

Thanks BH,

I'm glad that testing the waters doesn't sound too bad. In reality it was my impatience, i.e. not wanting to wait and see if he'd actually call, but I weighed up the benefits of definitely seeing him against waiting and likely not seeing him, and decided that as long as I could be positive during the meeting, these benefits outweighed the benefits of going dim.

He knows I am pretty eager to see him, but at the same time he knows my departure is imminent, and I have to believe this will have some impact on him. I really have been good about being positive, not crying, weeping or acting needy, and only acting excited about going to Poland.

I'll keep this thread posted on how things go tomorrow.

Have a great day,

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

Pretty sure you will all say a big no to this one, so this is why I'm waiting at least 48 hours...I am going to Poland next Thursday, will not see H again for 3 weeks, at which point I will be around only for the weekend, gone a total of 10 weeks.

I feel like our lives are moving apart as they tend to do when you separate. I really don't want this to happen, and I really want to be able to open up to him, in a way that I haven't before. We have only had 1 joint counseling session, and this was with a counselor who was really not pro-marriage...

Please let me know whether you think leaving the following, the day that I leave, would be a big mistake. Sorry in advance for the long post:

H,

I don’t think either one of us should spend time blaming ourselves for the things that led to this situation, but it is important to me that you know how deeply sorry I am about some of the things that I did and said, and the way that they have hurt you. Being sorry is not enough though; I sincerely want to change those things that I did that weren’t healthy for me, for you, and for the dynamics of the relationship. I want to look forward rather than backwards.

I am using this time away from you to work on those things in myself which were detrimental to my own mental, spiritual, and physical health as well as the health of the relationship. Dublin has been very hard on me, in so many ways, and I let this get to me more than it should have, meaning that I didn’t always treat you and the relationship right as a result. I didn’t believe that I had a social network, but now I’ve realized that I actually did have one, and that will continue even when I return. I know that you have been struggling with discovering what makes you happy, and I very much respect that you too are taking this time to work on yourself and discover new interests. I absolutely agree with you that we need to be 2 whole people to have a whole marriage. Many of the things that I thought I was doing right, that I thought were making you happy, turned out to actually be wrong, and contributed to problems. I am learning about all of this in counseling, and it’s been a real eye-opener for me. Please believe me when I say that I have never intended to hurt you during the 7 years that we’ve been together. I just made some stupid, stupid mistakes. I know I am not responsible for your happiness, and that I can’t help you find the things you like to do. I only want to be a partner in a marriage of equals where we feel comfortable expressing our needs and wants, even if they aren’t always the same.

From the bottom of my heart and soul you are the most amazing man that I have ever met, in every way, and if we work through these problems, I can’t guarantee that I will always be perfect, and that we will never fight again, but I can promise that I will always be mindful of the things that I do and say and the way that they impact you, and that I will always give you the space that you need to breathe and think. This is something that I really understand now.

I also want to thank you for moving to London with me, for coming to Dublin with me, and for just providing constant loving support. I have always been grateful for this, and you rightfully brought to my attention the fact that I didn’t show this gratitude. I would now welcome the opportunity to be the one to make a sacrifice, and to go somewhere that you can further your own career, someplace that would make you happy.

I admire your courage in telling me how you have been feeling, and I won’t pretend that it was easy to hear. However I have taken this as the opportunity that it is to understand and get perspective on everything. I truly do see this as an opportunity now, an opportunity for us to become better, more well-balanced individuals, who as more open and honest people, can better communicate with each other, and draw from each other’s strengths.

I don’t expect to waltz back home after Wroclaw and have all of our problems completely resolved. What I hope is that this time apart, and our individual and joint counseling sessions, will give us tools that can enable us to continue working on ourselves while together. I don’t have a deadline on this; I know it’s not mine alone to set anyway. I hope that my actions will demonstrate to you that I am able to give you the time and space that you need, and that I can find ways to make sure that your needs are met even under the same roof. Believe me when I say that I never want us to find ourselves in this situation again. I think though that for the first time in years, we are being truly open and honest, and this means fewer fights, more understanding, and eventually a gradually rebuilt intimacy—on every level.

What I want is a new relationship with you. I agree that the old one had some issues, to put it mildly.

I don’t need or want a response to this letter, and I’m not asking you to do anything beyond what we’re already doing, i.e. working on ourselves and our relationship through counseling, and continued honesty. Baby steps, that is all I expect to see along the way…

Love,
ITH

[pisces9]

i would shorthen the letter if you decide to email it. i would also look at what ACTIONS you have shown him- not words that will tell him this is how you feel.

i am not sure about the letter- have you written them in the past?

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces,

Yes it's too long...

I've never written letters to him in the past. I have written them in other relationships, but not to H, never needed to...I always sent loving emails etc., but he complained of a lack of intimacy, thought maybe that something like this would show my openness.

I guess I was hoping to leave it before I left so that he would have something to think about. My actions to date are that I have given him space, moved out, decided to leave the country, all of my own accord. Since talking to my DB coach, I have not cried or argued once. I just want him to know how different I think things can be, and he won't see this with me not here. I also thought (maybe deluded) that this letter showed how I was viewing the situation as a positive thing.

Would you suggest against it, or against even a shortened version of it?

Thanks!
ITH

[pisces9]

well if you were withdrawn and he wanted you to open up maybe a brief version of it is ok.

what did your DB coach say about moving? do you move back home with him in 6 weeks?

i think the letter is ok as long as you have no expectations from it. make the letter a lot about him and his needs, etc.

what do you really think?

[istherehope]

Hi,

I don't know if I was withdrawn or not! That's the problem...he said there was no intimacy, but DB coach said I was smothering him. So I take it as I was controlling, but not being open.

It is sort of a forced move back in 2 months due to my assignment. DB coach said only to be prepared that things might not go as I want them to as quickly as I might want. She did seem to think that separations weren't necessarily a good thing though. I am definitely moving back, but if he's not ready, I will ask him to move out in this case.

Hmm what do I really think...I've never had a good response with a letter, but I've never given one to my own husband before, I can't think of another way to get through to him. OK maybe I'll shorten it, and then ask my DB coach what she thinks of the abbreviated version on Wednesday. I'll also post the new one tomorrow with more focus on his own needs, and less about my issues...

Thanks so much!

ITH

[pisces9]

good plan. very interesting.
ther eis a book called getting back together about being sep...prety good. but DR is #1 for me...

so it soundslike he wasnt really HEARD in your M...ami right? i tell you i went throught htis too- whni just hear him and listen to his needs and validate what he says literally without saying anything about my needs- he opens up like a waterfall. more than he has in our whole M- so there is real potential here.

it will be ok he is getting a lot of help too so thats awesome!

[BigHands]

I would first, shorten the letter. Then, decide if it says anything he hasn't heard before. The things in that letter are the kinds of things that should only be said once and demonstrated for a lifetime. If you've already said 'em, leave it alone.

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces,

I don't suppose you're still online...

I'm going to meet with H in about 4 hours, and what you said about letting your H open up to you made perfect sense. Like you, H never felt heard in the M. I would like to try listening and just validating too, but I am not sure whether I should try to create a situation where he opens up to me when we meet for lunch, or whether I should only be light and chipper and happy, and keep away from these topics. I was thinking of just asking him something fairly serious, but not R related, like about his job. I used to nag him about working too many hours etc., and say that all he cared about was promotion. So I thought maybe I could give him the chance to talk about how well is work is going, validate, and show how impressed I am? Maybe this will lead him to talk seriously about other things?

Well I think that's my plan for the moment. I'll post back later this afternoon with the results of the meeting!

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi BH,

I'm working on shortening the letter. There are actually a lot of things in the letter that I haven't said before, specifically the parts about being grateful to him for moving around the world for me. This was huge for him. However I will get the opinion of my DB coach before giving the letter. My DB coach will also have spoken to H, so she might be able to tell me if it is a good idea or not.

So maybe what I will do is see whether any of these topics sort of come up in a natural conversation, and see whether I get the opportunity to do things like express gratitude, or demonstrate that I appreciate his need for space, without initiating an R talk. We'll see, I'm not always the most subtle person.

Like I told Pisces though, I will post an update later this afternoon!

ITH