Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

OK,

Pretty sure you will all say a big no to this one, so this is why I'm waiting at least 48 hours...I am going to Poland next Thursday, will not see H again for 3 weeks, at which point I will be around only for the weekend, gone a total of 10 weeks.

I feel like our lives are moving apart as they tend to do when you separate. I really don't want this to happen, and I really want to be able to open up to him, in a way that I haven't before. We have only had 1 joint counseling session, and this was with a counselor who was really not pro-marriage...

Please let me know whether you think leaving the following, the day that I leave, would be a big mistake. Sorry in advance for the long post:

H,

I don’t think either one of us should spend time blaming ourselves for the things that led to this situation, but it is important to me that you know how deeply sorry I am about some of the things that I did and said, and the way that they have hurt you. Being sorry is not enough though; I sincerely want to change those things that I did that weren’t healthy for me, for you, and for the dynamics of the relationship. I want to look forward rather than backwards.

I am using this time away from you to work on those things in myself which were detrimental to my own mental, spiritual, and physical health as well as the health of the relationship. Dublin has been very hard on me, in so many ways, and I let this get to me more than it should have, meaning that I didn’t always treat you and the relationship right as a result. I didn’t believe that I had a social network, but now I’ve realized that I actually did have one, and that will continue even when I return. I know that you have been struggling with discovering what makes you happy, and I very much respect that you too are taking this time to work on yourself and discover new interests. I absolutely agree with you that we need to be 2 whole people to have a whole marriage. Many of the things that I thought I was doing right, that I thought were making you happy, turned out to actually be wrong, and contributed to problems. I am learning about all of this in counseling, and it’s been a real eye-opener for me. Please believe me when I say that I have never intended to hurt you during the 7 years that we’ve been together. I just made some stupid, stupid mistakes. I know I am not responsible for your happiness, and that I can’t help you find the things you like to do. I only want to be a partner in a marriage of equals where we feel comfortable expressing our needs and wants, even if they aren’t always the same.

From the bottom of my heart and soul you are the most amazing man that I have ever met, in every way, and if we work through these problems, I can’t guarantee that I will always be perfect, and that we will never fight again, but I can promise that I will always be mindful of the things that I do and say and the way that they impact you, and that I will always give you the space that you need to breathe and think. This is something that I really understand now.

I also want to thank you for moving to London with me, for coming to Dublin with me, and for just providing constant loving support. I have always been grateful for this, and you rightfully brought to my attention the fact that I didn’t show this gratitude. I would now welcome the opportunity to be the one to make a sacrifice, and to go somewhere that you can further your own career, someplace that would make you happy.

I admire your courage in telling me how you have been feeling, and I won’t pretend that it was easy to hear. However I have taken this as the opportunity that it is to understand and get perspective on everything. I truly do see this as an opportunity now, an opportunity for us to become better, more well-balanced individuals, who as more open and honest people, can better communicate with each other, and draw from each other’s strengths.

I don’t expect to waltz back home after Wroclaw and have all of our problems completely resolved. What I hope is that this time apart, and our individual and joint counseling sessions, will give us tools that can enable us to continue working on ourselves while together. I don’t have a deadline on this; I know it’s not mine alone to set anyway. I hope that my actions will demonstrate to you that I am able to give you the time and space that you need, and that I can find ways to make sure that your needs are met even under the same roof. Believe me when I say that I never want us to find ourselves in this situation again. I think though that for the first time in years, we are being truly open and honest, and this means fewer fights, more understanding, and eventually a gradually rebuilt intimacy—on every level.

What I want is a new relationship with you. I agree that the old one had some issues, to put it mildly.

I don’t need or want a response to this letter, and I’m not asking you to do anything beyond what we’re already doing, i.e. working on ourselves and our relationship through counseling, and continued honesty. Baby steps, that is all I expect to see along the way…

Love,
ITH