Thanks for the warm welcome L & sg. Not quite sure I covered my tracks, I'm finding that once someone has physical & remote access to your PC, there's not much you can do to keep your stuff private.
The day I changed my names around, it seems that my password to check my e-mail was no longer valid. I'm guessing that logging in as "forgot your password" was a little too tempting when you're sitting in a hotel room & have the info to change it into a new one at your fingertips ;-). When I called him to ask what the billing address is so I could get another password, he denied knowing anything about it, but said he could walk me thru how to get a new one. Ahum...
Status quo in my R w/H. As long as OW is in the picture, there's no contact w/me at all. I have S5 call him directly or answer his calls while he's out of town. It's back to calling everyday, which again seems odd, since he can go for days w/no contact while he's in town.
It's my hope that by breaking the patterns that we seemed to be struck in, we can moderate our R & get past the extreme cycles. Nothing can happen though until/unless OW is permanently out of the picture.
This is the longest period of time we've not had any real contact to speak of & it's had a really postive effect on my outlook. It makes me wonder why it took me so long to take a stand & establish firm boundaries.
I've been keeping up w/you all here & hoping to have time this weekend for any thoughts I've had.
Take Care,
Sunny
Oh, & I just really liked this from Gucci Loafer on another thread this morning;
I think you can easily replaced Him with Her in most cases.
Quote:
When a woman has an affair on a man, deep down she feels guilty because she knows it is wrong. However, the woman usually builds a wall around her guilt by blaming the BS and telling him that a big part of the reason is because he didn't this or didn't that or did this to her or did that to her..
The BS usually buys right into her reasons for justifying her affair and starts begging, pleading and telling her he will change......
This is almost always met with... "too little, too late" ILYBANILWY and a thousand other reasons or excuses. He keeps trying harder and harder to show her how he has changed and learned the error of his ways..
All the while, she is THINKING about how great the OM is. Daydreaming about him, talking to him, and probably sleeping with him and lying to the BS about what is really happening....
She does NOT respect you. Why? Because you have not shown her and told her that you are not going to share her with another man. AND if she wants to be with other men, that she CAN NOT have you too.
End of conversation with her... Leave her alone. Do not chase her, do not call her. This woman NEEDS to see and feel that you RESPECT YOURSELF enough that you can (and WILL) do better than being with a woman who can't or isn't faithful. It isn't up for negotiation and you will not compete for her and that HE can have her....
When you learn to respect yourself like that, then she WILL notice. She may or may not come back, but she WILL respect you
H came back from 10 days out of town. During that time I kept up the "only about the kids" & put S5 right on w/out me talking at all. In every conversation, he asked where S5 had spent the night, who was he with now, etc.
From his behavior when he came back, it seemed that he had missed us & there was no mention of "moving forward".
Last night when he was here for S5, he seemed bothered by me having to go somewhere & the lack of attention I was paying him.
So, today I was greeted with this e-mail;
Quote:
We probably should try to meet and move forward. I know this is hard for me. And for you. I had a house that I could have taken in the cliffs and at your request I am willing to let it go but I need to know what your response is to my letter to you. Yes, I know what this means but I don't know what else to do. The gap between us feels huge most of the time and I don't think we should stay like this anymore.
Please let me know when we can meet or if you prefer please respond by e mail. I am open to any reasonable alternative to what I out in my letter.
I called him to ask a few questions;
Just received your e-mail & wanted to clear up a few thing's I don't understand. What does renting the house have to do with our financial agreement?
H-Well, you said if I moved near you, you were going to start getting tough on me.
Me-Not financially, I meant we were not going to be "friends".
-I have to P/U my kids, so I'll condense it to the bottom line;
H said he's tired of being in limbo, I'll probably never forgive him for what he's done & there would always be tension in the house. Besides, he can't "picture" us back together, we just don't "click". As soon as I look thru the offer & we come to agreement, he will file, not to worry, he knows I've been patient & done everything I can to avoid this. How long did I intend on going on this way, a month, 6 months, a year.
My response was all DB, ending with, "If that's what you want, really, there's nothing I can do to stop you. Know that I had a lot of fun in our marriage & see a lot to give up. I will ask you to do one thing before we go down that road, go to one weekend of Retrouvaille together. That's a couple of days out of our lives. Then if you still want to end our M, I'll know that we at least tried something before subjecting the kids to growing up with a D'd family & all that goes with it."
The response was 2 or three minutes of silence.
I said I'd forward him the information to think about.
"Last night when he was here for S5, he seemed bothered by me having to go somewhere & the lack of attention I was paying him."
I think this may play into the "control" factor some. If you take it away.. the other person will respond in weird ways.
"I had a house that I could have taken in the cliffs and at your request I am willing to let it go but I need to know what your response is to my letter to you."
If the letter is posted here.. point me to it.. if not.. show it to me.
"The gap between us feels huge most of the time and I don't think we should stay like this anymore.
Please let me know when we can meet or if you prefer please respond by e mail. I am open to any reasonable alternative to what I out in my letter."
That right there.. is a prime example of NFC what to say!
"H said he's tired of being in limbo, I'll probably never forgive him for what he's done & there would always be tension in the house. Besides, he can't "picture" us back together, we just don't "click". As soon as I look thru the offer & we come to agreement, he will file, not to worry, he knows I've been patient & done everything I can to avoid this. How long did I intend on going on this way, a month, 6 months, a year."
Sneaky DAM.. he is waiting on you to make the decision. And he does not understand the full impact of his "Sneakiness".. Are you still in the palm of his hand? Or.. do you still want to be with him?
"My response was all DB, ending with, "If that's what you want, really, there's nothing I can do to stop you. Know that I had a lot of fun in our marriage & see a lot to give up."
Jenny... you gotta make a choice. Understand the outcome of your choices. Either way you go.. it is gonna hurt.
"I said I'd forward him the information to think about.
H-Okay."
Post the letter (agreement) here or there.
I like the name!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thanks Puppy. Even if the path I choose of distancing myself while he has OW may have gotten me to this point, I was willing to take the consequences, knowing it wouldn't sit well with him.
Nice to hear from you Forrest, I've missed you.
~"Post the letter (agreement) here or there."
The letter he refers to is actually "The Offer" he gave me (& took back & gave me) a while back. How he would like to settle financially. I guess he wants to hear some feedback before he files, b/c as he says, he doesn't like surprises. Isn't it usually the other way around?
~"Sneaky DAM.. he is waiting on you to make the decision. And he does not understand the full impact of his "Sneakiness".. Are you still in the palm of his hand? Or.. do you still want to be with him?"
Yes, I got that with the question of how long I wanted this limbo state to go on...as if it was me keeping it there.
~"you gotta make a choice. Understand the outcome of your choices. Either way you go.. it is gonna hurt."
What choices do you see?
When I crested the hill on the way home today, I was hit with a sudden "You have mail" feeling, even as I had been thinking/feeling that he was missing me & moving away from OW. I am still a little shocked that he's making this move right now, although maybe I shouldn't be.
I'm not a give up person, it sure is being tested though.
I saw that OW lost her home to the bank a couple of weeks ago, I think the pressure may be on to have H move into something more suitable now. If I didn't have such a cow about him moving a few blocks away, I'm sure he'd be taking that place. I'm not backing away from that boundary, no matter what is threatened.
He seems to still be under the influence of the affair addiction.
"If you have been involved in a romantic love affair, it is normal for you to doubt your love for your spouse. I have heard hundreds of unfaithful partners say to the injured spouse, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
"Keep in mind that when you compare your affair partner with your spouse, you are not really comparing two individuals. What you are comparing is how it feels to be in an idealized, romantic relationship with how it feels to be in a reality-based, long-term relationship."
)...
Good lord, will I miss him!!