Thank you for sending "The Enemy Tempts Us To Lie" that was really good.
It is so painful! I just can't imagine him marrying someone like her! Right now I'm still just so devastated & can't imagine my life without him. I can make it on my own but I love him & miss my best friend. I'm not sure how to let him go, any advise on how to do that?
Thank you for the hugs & prayers. My heart is really broke now, it's like part of it has broken off.
naej, Yes, I've got to get those dishes done & the house cleaned. It will help me feel better but I'm not in the mood to do it. I will.
I think I'm going to get outside & work in the yard today, it's beautiful here & not as hot as it has been.
I want to thank you for all the advice. In his first M he was talked into it & knew he was making a mistake but he thought he had gone to far to back out. Our wedding, we didn't rush into anything, we took our time & knew it was the right thing to do. This wedding really seemed rushed to me. He was supposed to go to his high school reunion that weekend but that was the only time they could get that place. To me that is weird that they would rush it so much. I don't think she is pregnant I think she is too old.
As my Mom always says he made is bed hard now he will have to lie in it.
I'm not very social right now. I am supposed to go out next Friday with the girls for my birthday. I'm going to still try to do that.
I will go get busy, I know depression makes you want to sit around & do nothing which is what I've been doing so I'm going to try to do better.
This is going to take some time.
I hope the blood test turn out well too, that would help me a lot.
No, it's not good for me to sit around all day. The dogs made me get up this morning. I haven't gotten too much done but I'm about to. The D recovery group is a good ideal & I may check it out in time. Right now I'm not real social.
Yes, this is #3 M for my H. The first M only lasted 5 years & should have ended the night they got M. She had A's on him the whole time they were M & he is not 100% sure that the son is his. Our M lasted 15 years & we dated 3, he only dated his 1st W less than a year when they got M. He tried to get out of it & she was manipulative & talked him into it. I didn't talk him into anything, it was his choice to ask me & he did surprise me, even picked out the most beautiful ring, I had not even seen it. We had sort of looked at rings but not much.
I know it's the MLC with him, I just see too much. This will be her 4th M I think, could be more. No wonder she knows how to plan a wedding for less money.
NLT how do you know so much about ow? How long have her m's lasted and does she have any kids?
Your xh's new m does seem rushed. She could have been putting pressure on him, but your xh made a choice and naej is right you can't sit around and think about him now.
He has another life now whether it lasts or not.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
When I first discovered OW back in Sept. I had a report run on her by a PI. She has 2 kids, her son just got M not long ago. Her last H & her lived in Hawaii & they sold real estate over there. She has lived in lots of places. It was a 24 page report & the PI told me they never had a report so long on anyone. I don't know how long the M's lasted with her. I didn't get a D or M record all I know is how many name changes she had & the men that had the same last name.
I know I can't sit around & think about him. I just had such hopes that he would see the light & turn around. I still feel like he is my family & I still worry about him. I can't just turn love off like he supposedly did.
I know I've got to snap out of it & I will with time.
Okay, this is going to sound very harsh toward your XH, but I gotta say this ....
He sure doesn't like to take any responsibility for his shortcomings, or his bad choices. He seems to like to blame others for all his problems. This is the second M he has been manipulated into. Good grief! Is he so weak that he can't say 'no'!? Truly, do you really want someone like this in your life? I know you love him, but the person you love seems to be a ghost, and he has reverted to his lowest common denominator (seems you got the best of him in the last 15+ years, so be thankful for that). He says his first wife had affairs, but he chooses to do this himself. Somewhat hypocritical, I think. He has proven himself a liar, so how can you know that he wasn't the one having the affairs with his first wife? How can you know that anything he said was the truth?
I am sorry for your pain and devastation, but please keep moving forward. You may be wasting a lot of time, hurting for someone who most likely never, truly existed (I honestly wonder if he really is in MLC, or this is just the real him). Be happy that you had those good years together, and that you don't have to be with the bad part of him. His OW/W gets to put up with that. You were a loyal, good wife, and you can be that again for someone more worthy .... one day. You didn't deserve this, but bad things do happen to good people. God doesn't promise us easy, and he cannot take away someone else's free will, so cannot force your XH to love you, and come back to you (well, I guess God can do anything, but I doubt He would go against our free wills). What He does, is send the Comforter, if we will accept it, and give us peace if we want it. He will no more force us then He will force our estranged spouses. So, pray for peace, for patience, for letting go of the past and moving on. No-one can say what the future holds ... we can only live in the now.
I know it's hard not to obsess about your XH's remarriage, but try to put all this out of your mind. It is, obviously, beyond your control.
Sorry, if I offended you in any way. Just take this as a 'gentle' 2x4. It's good that you can vent here, and get it all off your chest.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
nlt, Just checking in...I am thinking of you and praying for you. I know this has got to be just incredibly painful for you. So many people here have had good advice and suggestions for you; I hope you are able to do those things to help yourself.
I wanted to ask about the ADs you are on. You said you are on two of them? Which ones, if you don't mind my asking? I have a very long history of depression myself (almost 30 years), and I finally started being treated in 2001. I was just thinking that it might be a good idea to see your doctor--your regular one, and your psychiatrist if you have one. I see my psych regularly (every few months, starting two days after the bomb last fall) and he helps, and I saw my regular dr. this spring and she was really helpful when I told her about my sitch--I had a lot of more general questions for her, like about STDs, and also had more time to discuss MLC and such with her than I get with my psych.
Anyway, the reason I suggest it is that perhaps you can get something additional to help you deal with this new horror emotionally while it's still fresh and raw. I don't know, Xanax or something? It didn't do anything for me except make me sleepy, but I'm sure there is something that would be suitable. Not the regular stuff that takes six weeks to start working--I know you're probably already on something like that. I really don't like drugs, but I have finally accepted that I will probably have to be on ADs for the rest of my life, given my longstanding depression. I don't think they are the solution to everything, but they can really help sometimes. Better living through chemistry! What I'm thinking of for you is something that's the emotional equivalent of morphine for extreme physical pain--it's not something you want to use long-term, but it can get you through the immediate crisis.
I'm not a doctor (nor in the medical field, nor is anyone I'm related to), but I know a lot about depression from the inside. Please schedule an appointment with your doctor, and don't let them stick you in a slot a month away. Get yourself on the cancellation list and insist on seeing the doctor ASAP. Work with your doctor to figure out what is best for YOU. I do not presume to know what that is, but I encourage you to AT LEAST give your doctor the opportunity to help you. I'll bet that he/she deals with situations comparable to yours all the time and will have some ideas that will help.
Believe me, I *know* how hard it is to get yourself to do anything at all when you are drowning in depression. Some days it seems like just walking to the mailbox is more trouble than it's worth. I've been dealing with that at some level for most days of the last 30 years. But sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it anyway.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your dogs, for your friends and family, for the people on this board who care about you. Other people who read this thread, are you willing to add your voice to this request?
Be still and focus on what YOU need right now.
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi Nlt, I want you to know that I am thinking about you. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. You do need time to heal because it has all happened so fast. Please get professional assistance to help you get through this pain. I found some very interesting stats while I was browsing online today:
80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*
The statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme:
Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners.*
If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce.*
What does this mean?
It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!)
I'm not sure how accurate these stats are but I thought you might have some comfort with this.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
