On the bumpy road towards found...

[JWS]

I hope that your week is great!!

[pisces9]

we're here when you need us!

[JCJ]

I like that email, it made me laugh! Light is great. Hope you are ok, glad you have a full week and a PMA!

(((Lost)))

[iamlost]

Hey, guys! Happy Friday. Here's my update:

H called me Wed night and invited me to go out to a gallery opening/dinner/talk about our agreement last night. So, he picked me up, and things were a tad awkward at first, but then we loosened up and started having a lot of fun with each other. H was a lot more relaxed with me than he has been. In fact, it felt at times like the last four months never happened (too bad that can't be true!)

I got a lot of attention from other guys at the opening, which H had to have noticed. A couple guys (recent acquaintances) even asked me to go have a beer with them right in front of H! I said, "not tonight, but maybe some other time."

So after we left the opening, we picked up some food, and took it back to my place. We talked a little over dinner, and I tried a technique that I would recommend; I did a lot of direct eye contact, and held his gaze. At first he glanced away quickly, but then he started meeting my gaze, and we would linger on it, and it created a feeling of intimacy and openness. Softness in H.

As far as the agreement goes, we haven't really progressed much--we keep talking about the same things. The HR dept. at his work truly have their head up their a, so the insurance issue is still unresolved as well. These "meetings" seem to go nowhere as far as actually reaching an agreement goes.

But, I got confirmation of another angle of this situation--money. H indicated that certain of our spending habits were mine, not his, and now he is spending a lot less money. And I said that I wished that he felt like he could have talked to me about it before it had to come to THIS. That I would have been willing to spend more frugally, etc.

At that point, I started to become a bit sad, because I know that if he had brought all this stuff to my attention before, and let me know how seriously he felt about it, that we could have fixed it.

So, finally I said, well, I think you should probably go now. And he asked, "why?" like I knew he wanted to stay. I said, cause I'm tired and you're tired, and this is going to end up us rehashing things.

So, he gets up to get ready to go, and I go sit on the couch, facing away from him. And it's so funny, he starts re-trying to start conversation topics to my back, "You seem busy lately." But I have reached my limit for being able to DB, so I'm just like, sighing, yeah...

So, he reaches the door, opens it, pauses, shuts it again, and comes back and says, "are you OK?"

And I'm like, not really, but it's fine. And then he says, you're going to be so much happier with someone else than you were with me, I know it. This came out of the blue. Thinking he's saving me again. Who is he trying to convince, me or himself?

I should have responded, I'll only be happier with someone else if I make myself happier, it won't have anything to do with them.

But all I could say was, I can't hear the same old stuff again tonight, OK?

So, he left, but very reluctantly. I left him wanting more, and I know he had fun with me for most of the night, and the eye contact was intimate and intense. And I think that some sadness in me, at least in my sitch, lets my H know that I miss him and am not this completely confident, busy woman that is better off without him. He is still trying to convince me that I am.

I dunno-what do you guys think about that?

I may see him tonight at a cocktail party a friend is having--he said he "might" come. If not, I think we will be going out next week for our anniversary, but no firm plans as of yet.

As far as working on me--I have been very busy.

• JWS--I plan to run today, tomorrow and Sunday, cause I haven't had a chance to this week prior, although I have been walking a lot and cleaned my entire apartment.
• I'm starting a bookclub with my friends.
• I hung out with and completely confided in (hard for me) one of my best girlfriends on Wednesday, which cleared my head and heart. Continuing to reach out to/support friends.
• I'm going to be working on creative projects all month.
• Have plans to join a hiking group for some hikes a couple of times this month.
• Going to treat myself to some pampering with a massage with a gift certificate I need to use.
• Will continue participating in volunteering or money-raising efforts for a couple causes I'm involved in.
• And I'm going to set aside time for meditation to become a regular (daily or as much as I can) practice for me.

Oy, all that makes me want to go back to bed! But it's written on my calendar, so now I have to do it.

[pisces9]

wowza!

"But all I could say was, I can't hear the same old stuff again tonight, OK?"

I think it was great you stopped this convo...it seems he wants to talk more -but you created boundaries..which is great...it is better than going south and talking about the past!

now you can slowly rebuild FUN and not always have R talks!

good work-and i can hear that you truly meant you dont need to talk about it- not that you cant handle it- bc i know you can!

glad you get to see him tonight! and GAL girlfrind- awesome!

[iamlost]

now you can slowly rebuild FUN and not always have R talks!

We do actually have a lot of fun, and had a lot of fun at the opening especially. It's hard when every time we talk lately at some point (usually the end) we're discussing our legal arrangements, and that is almost never fun! It's also at the end of the time we spend together (last night 4 hours) I have a pattern of getting tired and start to lose my PMA.

However, I am planning on making our anniversary all about enjoying each other's company--no legal talk, no R talk related to the legal talk.

[pisces9]

thats great you are seeing him on your anny! i didnt think that would happen with my H and it did so good for you!

it seems he loses ideas of what to talk about then brings up R talk...so thats what i meant... if you keep it on the high road he cant even go there.

[iamlost]

Ah, I see what you mean. Yeah, he definitely did want to stay longer and talk longer, but why? What does he want? I don't think he has any idea. At this point our "meetings" are such a joke as they never go anywhere. I've done way more work than he has on the legal stuff, and my work was only to protect myself.

I just don't know if I should only show honest happiness & confidence all the time or allow some honest vulnerability to show (and both of those are real facets of my personality right now), because, besides his anger/resentment that led to feeling distant/not loving towards me, the main problem is he feels bad about himself and thinks I will be better off without him. Well, if I show him what looks like me being completely better off without him, isn't that helping to convince him of that more?

I'm just unsure of the line I should walk here, cause I think it's really fine, and different than other people's sitches b/c of our unique situation.

[pisces9]

yes- it is a fine line. and i thought that a lot- but i just didnt want to risk it. you can try in a small way and see how he reacts. if he reacts well then take it slow- if it gets worse then PULL back.

i just didnt want to risk the latter. and what i am doing has worked. i still have not opened up a ton really. just shared a few insights- very few. mostly just heard him and his needs.

he has not seen me cry or be sad. at all. not easy.

so what has worked in your sitch?
have you tried opening up yet?
has it worked?

[JWS]

I think that this is some very good progress. Just getting to the point where you can have a good time with him is Huge. It is all about setting that doubt in his mind and having a great time together is the perfect way to start that.

I think that you DB very well that night. it is a very fine line between showing support and showing honest vulnerability, I think that for now the supportive friend is the absolute best game plan, but sometimes for your own sanity some things will come out and if they are honest and tempered I think he will slowly be able to handle them.

All the things that you have on your plate right now sound, great. I love the idea of the hiking club. Since I have been back on the west coast I keep dreaming of getting back into camping and hiking but have been slow to act. There is so much of that I need to start taking advantage because I have been deprived.