H called me Wed night and invited me to go out to a gallery opening/dinner/talk about our agreement last night. So, he picked me up, and things were a tad awkward at first, but then we loosened up and started having a lot of fun with each other. H was a lot more relaxed with me than he has been. In fact, it felt at times like the last four months never happened (too bad that can't be true!)
I got a lot of attention from other guys at the opening, which H had to have noticed. A couple guys (recent acquaintances) even asked me to go have a beer with them right in front of H! I said, "not tonight, but maybe some other time."
So after we left the opening, we picked up some food, and took it back to my place. We talked a little over dinner, and I tried a technique that I would recommend; I did a lot of direct eye contact, and held his gaze. At first he glanced away quickly, but then he started meeting my gaze, and we would linger on it, and it created a feeling of intimacy and openness. Softness in H.
As far as the agreement goes, we haven't really progressed much--we keep talking about the same things. The HR dept. at his work truly have their head up their a, so the insurance issue is still unresolved as well. These "meetings" seem to go nowhere as far as actually reaching an agreement goes.
But, I got confirmation of another angle of this situation--money. H indicated that certain of our spending habits were mine, not his, and now he is spending a lot less money. And I said that I wished that he felt like he could have talked to me about it before it had to come to THIS. That I would have been willing to spend more frugally, etc.
At that point, I started to become a bit sad, because I know that if he had brought all this stuff to my attention before, and let me know how seriously he felt about it, that we could have fixed it.
So, finally I said, well, I think you should probably go now. And he asked, "why?" like I knew he wanted to stay. I said, cause I'm tired and you're tired, and this is going to end up us rehashing things.
So, he gets up to get ready to go, and I go sit on the couch, facing away from him. And it's so funny, he starts re-trying to start conversation topics to my back, "You seem busy lately." But I have reached my limit for being able to DB, so I'm just like, sighing, yeah...
So, he reaches the door, opens it, pauses, shuts it again, and comes back and says, "are you OK?"
And I'm like, not really, but it's fine. And then he says, you're going to be so much happier with someone else than you were with me, I know it. This came out of the blue. Thinking he's saving me again. Who is he trying to convince, me or himself?
I should have responded, I'll only be happier with someone else if I make myself happier, it won't have anything to do with them.
But all I could say was, I can't hear the same old stuff again tonight, OK?
So, he left, but very reluctantly. I left him wanting more, and I know he had fun with me for most of the night, and the eye contact was intimate and intense. And I think that some sadness in me, at least in my sitch, lets my H know that I miss him and am not this completely confident, busy woman that is better off without him. He is still trying to convince me that I am.
I dunno-what do you guys think about that?
I may see him tonight at a cocktail party a friend is having--he said he "might" come. If not, I think we will be going out next week for our anniversary, but no firm plans as of yet.
As far as working on me--I have been very busy.
• JWS--I plan to run today, tomorrow and Sunday, cause I haven't had a chance to this week prior, although I have been walking a lot and cleaned my entire apartment. • I'm starting a bookclub with my friends. • I hung out with and completely confided in (hard for me) one of my best girlfriends on Wednesday, which cleared my head and heart. Continuing to reach out to/support friends. • I'm going to be working on creative projects all month. • Have plans to join a hiking group for some hikes a couple of times this month. • Going to treat myself to some pampering with a massage with a gift certificate I need to use. • Will continue participating in volunteering or money-raising efforts for a couple causes I'm involved in. • And I'm going to set aside time for meditation to become a regular (daily or as much as I can) practice for me.
Oy, all that makes me want to go back to bed! But it's written on my calendar, so now I have to do it.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Here's my update:
