If I may pry about the alcohol. Did he just go out with the boys every once in a while? Did he do things inappropriate when he did? Did he take it out on you? From what you can tell or if he has let on, has it got better since the sep?
Last edited by TwinDad; 08/08/0806:35 PM.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
That has really helped me so much. Thank you for taking the time with that, especially when you are not feeling that great, I really appreciate it. You know, your h is a really lucky guy!
Sending some purrs over from my cat who is sitting next to me on the desk!
TD- well he would go out and get SH*T faced every month or so (with me or without me)...it became a problem bc he couldnt stop after a lot of drinks...then i would feel unsafe and then get snappy and that didnt ever go well with drunk person..the final straw was 2 nights before the bomb..he danced with a chick (cop chick mind you) frm work who was all over him- right in front of me...i never dance w other guys ever and he never dances with OW ..so this was just 40 beers deep behavior (in vegas)....he has talked about it a lot since the sep actually. so maybe my q is answered..he has said he needs to stop when i stop and limit his drinking..he has actually showed me by his actions that he means it..he even talked to me a few weks ago about not going with his work peeps to a b-ball game bc too much drinking...
i guess i have to realize he will get blasted once in a while and thats ok- but i need to set things up for my safety- like take a cab home when he wants to stay out til 6 am, not ever argue when he drinks, etc.
i am not sure if he has a problem- but i know he does binge drink a bit too often and im very sensitive to it bc my fam has alc issues...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Thanks Julia- i really appreciate your kind words--it feels like a hug! it is such hard work...but its worth it and it will pay off and make you a better woman no matter what...but your H is warming up to you so thats all good!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I know exactly what you are talking about. My W has had binge problem off again on again for a long time. It seems she has a very hard time limiting herself. For years I built up resentment to this behavior to the point where I didn't even want to go out and socialize with her....mainly because everytime I would suggest that maybe she has had too much to drink I would get my head bit off. The she built up resentment because I didn't want to socialize with her.
In the months leading up to our sep, she would go out with her friends and stay out to 2 AM and come back very wasted. It was also very unnerving since I never knew what her mood was going to be when she got home. A couple times she actually did some damage to the garage.
She does try to work on this problem and ebbs and flows. I have noticed that since getting back together she has made an effort to curb it. She is no longer the last one to leave the get together. Unfortunately around here it is very much part of the culture.
It is great that he has recognized the problem and is taking steps. If this is something he as done a while don't be surprised to see him be on a rollercoaster with it (ie. being good for a while then tieing one on every once in a while). Be prepared to be flexible.
You have to decide if you want to set formal requirements for his return or if you are will ing to let his actions speak for themselves.
It sounds like right now as far as the kids issue goes you are ok if you never have any and would be willing to have one if he wanted one. Just be prepared to accept not having one down the road if your ambitions change. This is a biggie and usually something people discuss prior to marriage. Did the two of you have initial plans when you got married?
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
wow- thanks TD..sounds like you khow what im talking baout. i know that him drinking too much every now and again will happen- and now he is VERY aware of it...im sure ther will still be times when it happens BUT he will know how i feel about it and i dont need to say anything. just take care of myself.
as for kids- no we never talked about it really bc we met when i was 21..i was way into him and not worried about the kid thing..neither was he. He started warming up to the idea in the past year...but there seemed to always be something lingering. i think it was just his unhappiness...so now it will be a new M and he will let me know...
so that takes care of that! i dont want to bring up issues and rehash everything. but i dont want to bury my head in the sand either.
do you just ignore it when you W goes overboard? she probably knows how you feel about this...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
he has talked about it a lot since the sep actually. so maybe my q is answered..he has said he needs to stop when i stop and limit his drinking..he has actually showed me by his actions that he means it..he even talked to me a few weks ago about not going with his work peeps to a b-ball game bc too much drinking...i guess i have to realize he will get blasted once in a while and thats ok- but i need to set things up for my safety- like take a cab home when he wants to stay out til 6 am, not ever argue when he drinks, etc.
It sounds like he's told you that he wants to change, but you don't trust that he will?
I would chime in that I think binge drinking is often self-medicating for something, I know it is for my H, and for me when I've done it. It's like, wow I ACTUALLY feel good, need to keep this feeling going by whatever means necessary!
I guess I would find it hard to be a cop, like your H, and NOT be depressed or at least dealing with severe stress. Does he have any other outlets for his stress--sorry, I can't remember if you mentioned that he works out or gets IC?
Could you participate with him in some stress-relieving activity that he would find fun/choose over drinking until 6am? I'm curious about your solution here, cause if H and I ever manage to piece, that will be an issue that we'll have to face, too. I can't get him to leave a party once he's gotten going, and before DB I never considered trying to offer him an incentive to leave...
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
do you just ignore it when you W goes overboard? she probably knows how you feel about this...
Pretty much....she knows what she does. IN fact she is usually harder on her self. I also don't cut her any slack......being hung over is not an excuse to not help with the kids (occassionaly I give her a free pass). Often she complains about not being able to loose weight and now I just say "well you kow what is causing that......"
It has been a while since she has taken things out on me which makes it easier. Also the other thing that I built resentment towards was, she would always get real amourous and make lots of suggestions, but when it came time for action she would be passed out.
For a while everytime we got to go out as a couple since having the kids it was the same story.....have a good time, nice food, a few drinks (she would have a bunch more), we would drive home and she was asleep 15 minutes into the ride. The last several times it was similar story but she has taken my "needs" into consideration which has made it a lot nicer. No more resentment
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Lost- well he goes out w his cop friends and it is just non stop...really bad for all of them. he said recently he should listen to me and stop or at least drink water in between...so the bigger picture is that we go to events that involve partying and one thing she has brought up is that isnt good for us or our lifestyle- party hardy (i dont- very rarely do i need alcohol to be crazy)...then its just a mess. i guess we need to find more ways to have fun without that intense drinking scene...
He works out very hard- i mean insane amount of bike riding..and running so he is very healthy. he doesnt go to a C that i know of- highly doubtful. so one thing i was able to say early in our sep was "hey, when im down in the dumps and i drink it makes it worse, just take care of yourself"...so he has brought it up to me a lot since then.
solutions are: limit drinks w drinking buddies participate in healthy activites like hiking, biking, runing,etc. not react if he does drink SHOW him by my lead that we dont need to go to huge parties where the temptation is too high.
i guess i am wavering on his trust of this bc he has slipped once during our sep- not my issue- but he went to a friends wedding an proceeded to tell me how drunk he got...i think he was telling on himself. weird.
TD- glad to hear that it is a work in progress. sounds like you had a similar issue- but it works out bc you dont react and are very clear. i also like the idea of the next day- then they feel even worse bc you didnt get on their case and they have no excuse.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
