Well, I had my performance review at work today. Went a lot better than expected. When I walked in, my bosses asked if I was nervous. I said yes. They told me not to be nervous. They said that despite the outside distractions and personal issues I've had, they understand that my work has very much improved from last fall when I was having difficulties. They said that they know that I have a long way to go with my personal life, but that my work no longer seems to be suffering due to it. That was a huge relief for me.
H called late on Wed. afternoon to tell me that the apartment deal with his buddy has fallen through. The guy's daughter is sick and he just can't commit to this right now. H told me about a place he'd found that he wanted to look at. Of course, a place getting near OW. He called me later and told me that he just couldn't do that place because it's way to far from work?? Odd to me because all the other places they had looked at were even further away. Anyway, we talked a little bit about places to look for what he would need. He was able to come up with a list of about 10-15 places that he called on. He called yesterday and asked if I would go look at them with him. My first intention was to say no...do it on your own. Then, I got to thinking about how D4 will be staying at his place. Knowing H, his first thought will be how it will benefit him. I feel like I need to be there to push D4's needs also. He has 5 appointments between tonight and next Wed. We'll see what he finds. And yes, he's still been sleeping in his car.
I talked to D4's daycare director today. We agreed that it will be best for D4 to keep her schedule and keep her with the kids than to pull her for a full month, as H had requested. I know that H needs a break financially, but the director has agreed to work a very good deal for the month of August. I know it's not my financial responsibility, but I may pay part of it so D4 can keep as much stability in her world as possible.
It's been kind of quiet at home. I'm trying to get settled. D4 and I decorated her room last night so she was happy about that. She's been trying as much as possible to help me with things. She makes comments about daddy, but I do everything I can to assure her that he loves her. I was talking to my dad last night and I said a man's name. We were talking about someone from back home. Boy are her ears WIDE open. She later asked me who he was and if I knew him. I assured her that it was a friend of the family from back home. It sure seems like she's got a lot more questions than she ever did before.
In my opinion, I don't think you should go look at apartments with him, or even help him on the phone sort thru his options. I understand your concerns about your daughter, but this is just the same kind of "rescuing" behavior that we're trying to get you out of.
You can simply say to him "Great; let me know when you've found something, as I'd just like to see it before you pull the trigger, as D4 will be staying there often, thanks!"
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
You need to use your judgement as to how involved you want to be in his apartment search. I wouldn't feign disinterest if the results concern you. For example, if he chooses a place that is difficult for you to get to, it is better to have your input early, rather than complaining all year that he made choice that is difficult for you. Admittedly, he likes to have his hand held, but it's better for you to hold the hand than OW. And hand holding is not commitment. As a realtor, I hold plenty of hands to help people through the moving process. That doesn't mean that we have love relationships after. Some people just need the reassurance that they are making a decision they won't regret.
Congrats on the performance review! Thats proof that you're getting stronger every day It sounds like you and D4 are doing your best to get settled in and make the new place home together. That's wonderful!
H.. still sleeping in the car. Why am I not surprised? Please don't take this the wrong way, because I'm only able to say this from my own hindsight. Helping H find an apartment IS more caregiving from you. The only part that bothers me is that you're still rationalizing when you step in and bail him out. If you feel for him and want to help him out, then go for it.. just be aware that you're prob not only doing this for D4's benefit. Alcoholism/enabling and co-dependent behavior is a family illness. Just as it's gonna take time when/if your H decides to change, these changes take time for you too. It's gonna be awhile before you totally drop the rope with him. The important thing is, you see the need to stop rescuing him and try to break the cycle. I point this out because you know the deal.. otherwise, I'd hush about it. I believe though that you've faced the fact that your R with your H hasn't been healthy and it's time for you to change your behavior too. It's hard though, and like all change, it will come in baby steps. Stick with it. You've come SO far with letting him deal with his mess. You're not rescuing him from his A, his DUI and decision to separate. That's amazing considering the guilt trip he put on you last week. It takes a lot of strength to not give in and allow him to stay at your place and use that as an opportunity. You could cave in hopes he'd see how much he needs you, but you haven't done that. You should be very proud of how you're moving forward and remaining strong. If that means you help him look for an apt, and bail him out some on the daycare, so be it. You have to live with your decisions and as long as you move towards a healthier place for you and D4, you'll be fine.
Way to go on the job performance. I remember how hard it was for me working when this first happened so I totally understand what you went through at first.
You have gotten stronger and grown so much. Wish I could say the same for your H. Your DD is so lucky to have a wonderful mommy like you.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It sounds like you and D4 are doing your best to get settled in and make the new place home together. That's wonderful!