I don't recall really setting boundaries as I wanted God to deal with him.
As far as I am concerned in my own situation, H does not see us during the week, I don't make him the breakfasts, lunches or dinners that he once loved. He does not come home to a nice and clean house that is filled with love and people glad to see him and to me, that is more than enough for him to realize what he has lost.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
If you are always so available, each time he calls or stops by to visit he doesn't have to ever worry about losing you. He knows you are just waiting there.....for him.
This is not about punishment this is about your sanity.
Look at yourself today, you are a mess, crying and stressed out because he is in a mood.
You have not detached, because you are allowing his bouts of stupidity to get to you.
IF you were detached you would just say, oh well, whatever, when he calms down he will be in touch. You would not allow his mood swings to get to you.
Where is your line in the sand drawn?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I can't say anything in reply since you are exactly right. I'm here, I have been, and I guess he knows that. I need to really detach and let the phone pick up calls, emails go unanswered, etc. I will try. I know I said this over and over, but I do think I'm getting better at this.
HI Dar, if your not ready to take your C advice then don't but remember she has lots of experienec and probably seen "this" hundreds of times. Maybe you are just not ready to hear it. Everyone has been telling you for ages to work on you and leave him alone. You are so much better when you do.
I think your h is probably a nice guy at heart and is trying to tell you things without actually saying words that will break your heart.
Everyone is different, everyone has a slightly different story but basically they are nearly all the same. Let go of your H, concentrate on you, Do you want to be in the same place 5 years from now, watching for baby steps, thrilled if he has been nice to you? Is that all you are worth to yourself. Hanging on his every word,looking for a small act of kindness from him like a young puppy.
You are more than capable of looking after yourself and daughter you prove that. Look at how you coped with your job loss, did you wallow poor me or the job market is dah de dah, no you took care of it, yes you had some luck but by and large we make our own luck,by determination and a need to want to help ourselves.
So what is Dar going to do for Dar? What does Dar's life look like 1-2-5yrs from now. YOU Dar have the power to decide it. It is not dependant on your husbands paultry babysteps or his own personal crisis MLC whatever.
Fear will keep you on this merry go round for years if you let it. It is easy to be a victim, its hard to start living your life for you and your d. The rewards are huge and liberating and exciting. Not want we planned or hoped for but new and different and full of unclaimed happiness.
What you going to choose Dar, how much life can you waste? Hugs to you. Take care.
Dar I don't want you to think I am advocating you start a D or give your husband ultimatetums unless thats what you want to do just that you stop letting him be the piper and you dance to his tune.
