A Rough Year Continues.... 4

[TwinDad]

Hope,

My W do things like that but I never viewed it as her doing it to try to push my buttons. I seriously doubt she ever gave it that much thought.

I think a better way to look at it is, they do or don't do these things because before hand they made an "effort" out of respect towards you, now they simpy are not making the effort. I don't think it is as "intended" as you make it out to be.

I think it comes down to how much they respect you. Respect is something you earn or can try to demand. In order to demand you have to have a position in which to do so. Right now your leverage is relatively low. So I would pick and chose your demands for when it is really necessary. It is a little bit of a balancing act, you don't want to throw out all of these demands and take away rom the positive steps he has made. Really, if your H came to you and said "Hope, I want us to work out our M, but I just can't see myself picking up my clothes ever again".....what would you say.

In my sitch I saved my "demands" for when I felt like I was truly being walked upon and I pretty much reserved them for personal attacks......not the passive agressive stuff you mention.

For ex, I might say something, my W might take it the wrong way and just go off on me...completely out of line. I would then stop her and say "You don't need to talk to me like that, what I said wasn't intended that way and certainly didn't warrant the reaction you are giving it"....she might go off again and I would say "I am still your H, and I deserve to be spoken to better than that"....she might say "Well not for long" and all I would say is "That may be your choice". and it usually ended there.

If she didn't make the bed....I really didn't care.

As far as the day to day domestic stuff goes, how you apporach it can make all the difference.

If you are the one doing the laundry and your H leaves his clothes all around. You could say "Honey can you pick up your clothes" which may come off as controlling (I know silly)

Another apporach might be to say "Honey, if you want to pick up your clothes, I will wash them tonight"......reminding him there is a reward for good behavior.

I don't suggest you become a doormat, but don't be afraid of your H, put things in perspective, and if a simple request leads to a D talk, then simply say "I just asked you to pick up your clothes, it is not that big of a deal"