Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

[ddstartingover]

Well, I gave in. I know part of it is PMS, but I couldn't help myself.........and I sent the following:

I would really like to continue to ignore all of this. I would like to be able to be patient and wait for you to talk to me, but there are things I need to say, things I need you to know, things I wanted to say last week, but couldn't.

In some way, in my gut, I knew that I was right about OW two years ago. I wanted to believe that my "false" accusation pushed us off into the deep end. I wanted to believe that this was all my fault. I wanted to believe that this was something that, if I just worked hard enough, I could fix. I did believe all of this for a long time, and it took me a long time to realize and fully understand that this was not something I could fix.

I stand by everything I've written over the past two years---all of the feelings that I have shared, and my assessments of myself and us. I stand by the deep feelings that I have for you, feelings that I am only now fully understanding myself. I accept my part in where we are at right now, but I also recognize the fact that this isn't just about us. Everything that has happened in our relationship for the past 2+ years, as well as your memory of our past has been affected by your attraction to and relationship with OW. There is no way that this is not true. I recognize that there was something missing in our marriage and relationship, or you would have not turned to someone else. I am not going to minimize the situation, but I need you to know, that in some way, I understand.

I have spent a lot of time questioning my life, feeling like I've lived a lie, because it appeared that we saw our past so differently. I could not understand how I could be so wrong. How could my memory be so skewed?? But, I know I was/am not wrong. We did not have a miserable marriage. I have not lived a lie. We had a very rough couple of years, for a lot of reasons, followed by the last two years of hell. A lot of what we have been through is just life. What we have shared, what we have accomplished, and the family that we have built are real. This means something, this is something that cannot be minimized. I will not let this make me question our past anymore. This will make me a better person for the future, whatever that may be.

I don't know what path you will choose, but I understand that this is your choice. I still believe that you need to talk to someone about what is going on inside of you, but I know I can't make that happen. I still believe with all my heart that THIS is not YOU. I still believe with all of my heart that we belong together, and our family belongs together. But, I know that you don't or can't see this, and maybe never will. I say this, not in an effort to assess blame or instill guilt, but just as the way I see things.

I remember telling MC that I thought we just didn't get help soon enough. You agreed and said that combined with all of the damage that has been done.......... There is no damage that cannot be repaired. I believe that. I will be here and ready to talk about anything or everything when you are.

.....................
I know I should have stayed at NC, but for me, I had to say these things. I don't really know that I can make anything worse at this point..........I also know that anything I say or do will not change things. Sometimes, I just have to let him know my thoughts...........I can't help it.