On the verge of piecing......a new beginning

[poet]

Thanks!

By the way, you suggested I re-read my thread. You must have been an angel on my shoulder that night, because I had done it just last weekend.

hugs,
poet

[Neilh23]

psices and twindad..you two are hysterical..LOL

[Neilh23]

twindad...i think i need to reread your sitch for some inspiration. you and i are very much alike...when did it "click" for you that you are going to save yoru M?

[TwinDad]

Neil,

It kind of came in phases.

- When I read DR I felt confident that I could turn this ship around
- When I went on a trip with the kids and my W's interaction with me increased throughout the week and by the end of the week to include random texts about things other than the kids I thought I am doing the right thing and already making headway
- When I was going to take the kids for my week and night before she just looked at me and said "this sucks" and I said "I know", then I knew it was just a matter of time.

There were plenty of times after that that I just wanted to say "ok...enough of this BS, you obviously are not happy with this decision, lets work it out". Doing so would have been a mistake...instead I just had to wait her out and be her friend.

Of course going out with her and her friends and having her friends tell me "She wants you back bad!" didn't hurt either, but this was after I already knew....it just helped increase my confidence and give me more patience.

[JCJ]

TD,

Do you think the kids were the catalyst or was it more about the relationship between you both?

[Neilh23]

Twindad...

yeah, i'm not getting those overt signs from her. No random texts, nothing like that.

ugh. no wonder i'm feeling so lost sometimes

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I think kids in this type of sitch are a double edge sword. They give you more opportunities to shine they also present sucha strong desire to keep the family together from the LBS standpoint that you can make you so emotional that you make soem major DB mistakes (big time pleading, etc). I think they also make the emotional thought of loss so much more intense. We had been down a similar path prior to having kids. I can say having kids makes it much more intense.

To answer your question though. I think the kids make the consequences so much more real (especially since I wasn't going to settle for anything less than 50% time with my children.....I earned that). I think they make it more apparent. There is a lot to be said for trying to find a new mate that will also have to be a step dad as well....it can really limit the selctions. In my sitch I think it was a combination. I knew going in she didn't like being alone (I was much better at that). It was after spending one night alone in a hotel while me and the kids were on vacation for her to start texting random things.....that is when I just needed to keep my DB skills honed and my heart open.

Don't discouraged because you don't have kids. You do have the cat and your H does seem to miss him quite a bit. Have you discussed letting the cat stay with him for a week here or a week there?

[TwinDad]

Well last night could have been a blow-out but it wasn't

My W came to me and said that she wanted to see a concert tomorrow (which is today). She went on-line and found some excellent tickets on ticket master but they were very expensive. As everyone probably already knows you only have a couple minutes to get the tickets once you click on them. Here is how the conversation went.

W-Can we go
M-Sweetie, they are pretty expensive and we have a garage sale to get ready for the next day. Do we have anyone to watch the kids?
***She texts our niece to see if she will.....nor response****
M-Go ahead and get them if you want
W-No, we have no one to watch the kids
****Time expires, tickets in that location no longer available***
W-This is all your fault, you ruin everything
M-Don't lay this all at my feet, I told you to get them, you didn't want to because we didn't have any one to watch the kids
W-I am never going to let you live this down
M-I would seriously hope you wouldn't act like this
*****Leaves the room and comes back and sits down and pouts****
M-So are you going to just sit there and pout
W-I am not going to talk to you
M-So are we back in highschool again......Sweetie, I only wanted to express to you my concerns about ssaving money in case you don't want to do your job anymore....you were complaining about it just today
W-Quit my job, why so I can be a prisoner of yours?
*****here is the DB detachment moment*****
M-Sweetie, you could walk out that door tomorrow and I would be just fine, it is not what I would want but I would be just fine.
W-Yeah right....
M-I told you it is not what I would want but I would be just fine.

Shortly after that, my niece texted and said she would look after the kids. MY W checked the ticketmaster site again and some new tickets were just released. We have VIP tickets to the concert tonight....ought to be fun. The best part is she initiated some of the best sex we have had in a long time last night.....ahhh the power of detachment (ok....so I am a male pig....lol)

I really credit DB with giving me this self confidence and assertiveness

[poet]

TD, You had me in stitches during the first part of the above convo. Thanks for the laugh, AND the inspiration, AND looking after my good. (Will post the rest on my thread, when I get time).

((((((hugs)))))))
poet

[JCJ]

Thanks TD, that really helped me understand the difference. I think I have seen from my sisters sitch that having children doesn't keep your marriage together it just makes things a lot more painful. I suppose I am kind of grasping around really for anything. It's silly that I am feeling discouraged after the positives this week, I suppose I just feeling a bit drained from it. Sorry I don't want to hijack your thread...

Your q about the cat going to stay... he is living in his parents flat and his Dad has a deadly allergy to cats hence my thought of asking if he wanted to spend time at our house with the cat. I thought it best not to send that now but maybe after our meeting as a 'oh I forgot to say earlier but...' type text so it doesn't seem desparate or pursuing. Sorry, now I have hijacked!!

Love the way you handled your wifes little petulant strop and called her bluff - pure brilliance! and the best outcome is that you are both happy. The good thing about disagreements is the making up! lol!