Funny how this board has come to mean so much to me, and I really look forward to getting up in the morning (time difference) and seeing who has sent me a post :).
Pisces--when you say to be careful with going dark, do you mean that maybe I shouldn't try this technique? It's interesting you mention this because last night I went to dinner with some coworkers, so turned off my Blackberry. When I called H later (in response to his IM), he sounded pretty annoyed and said "I tried calling, texting, and sending messages", as if he couldn't understand why I wasn't available when he needed to tell me something.
I have spoken to a DB coach--actually 3 times. While I can't say I've seen improvement (I'm impatient), it at least puts a voice in my head that I can't do all of the things that I want to do like cry, call, plead etc. While it may not save my marriage, at least now there is a chance where probably if my coach hadn't helped me to figure out how I was contributing to the problems, there would have been no chance!
Yes you're right about the OW thing too, it's just that H always has more female friends, and I fear him turning to them for emotional support. There are a couple in particular that I do not trust, but you're right, I need to let those thoughts go! Oh and I do have DR book--just got it on Tuesday. I will reread LRT.
Daisy thanks for the encouragement! I have to think interaction by interaction. It is just such a different mindset. Oh--I posted something about this in another thread, but I really do recommend the book "Are you Ready to Succeed" by Srikumar Rao. He was my professor for an MBA class called "Creativity and Personal Mastery". The book is in no way about relationships, but it helps you with things like living in the present moment. There is also another really interesting exercise where you look at your mental chatter. The idea is that for 1 week, you keep notes about the thoughts going through your head. Do something like set a timer every 30 minutes, or every hour, and write down what you've been thinking about. This offers a lot of insight I think into some often negative and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts that we might have. At the time I did this, it helped me to see that while I always considered myself an optimist, in fact I had a lot of negativity. There is then another exercise later about how to help calm the mental chatter through cultivating gratitude for everything in your life. Clearly I myself need to revisit these techniques, but in all honesty, that class was worth the price of my MBA, and these techniques help lead to a feeling of peace. I have the book so if you're ever interested, I can post exercises.
Good thoughts to you both,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
