she mentioned our unresolved intimacy issues as a problem.
Is this new---(to mention it directly)? How did you react? Do you ever tell her that her sleeping elsewhere is a factor in the intimacy issues from your persepctive?
(((CL))) The fact that she can vent and you are there to validate sounds really good. Too bad she's not in a better mood when you are together. I used to resent that my H could not just 'cheer me up'. It took a while for me to learn that it's not his job. Peace. BTW, if you tapped, I'd partner w/ you!
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Jak, Matilda, Goldey, and Lanzo, Tackle sounds like too big a step. I was thinking move into. I don't know what to do with that statement yet. It's important that I acknowledge it, even if I'm not sure what to do with it yet.
My plan was to imcrease verbal compliments, and to seek opportunities for physical intimacy in the bedroom, and on the couch while watching television.
We went to a dance lesson last night and to one our latin venues, and sat at a table with some friends.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, Last night my W and I had a difficult night of dancing. We went to our favorite R&B club.
During the evening, we were sharing the floor with a couple of male leads and their partners who were enjoying the spotlight. This apparently frustrated my W, who made a sarcastic comment about my lack of potential in ever becoming like that. The tone of the evening changed for me after that comment.
I was intimidated by them, and felt inadequate, as my repertoire is solid, but not showmanship. When they were on the floor, I tended to dance away from the center, off in the shadows. Part of my W's frustration, was that she was the best lady dancer of all the ladies there that evening.
I was ready to go home, but stayed for my W. She asked me for a final dance, and anger from her comment filtered into the dance. I did not smile the entire dance. She was furious on the way home.
I listened to her vent, and to her feelings of hurt that I would do such a thing. I wanted to go to bed, but stayed as I felt it was important to hear her and explain my piece.
I told her about her comments. She minimized them, not empathizing with how her comments affected me. I told her that her words have impact, and that she needs to be careful with what she says. I don't usually confront her on her misbehavior, or point out how her behavior affects me, so this was a 180 for me.
The conversation ventured into the state of our dance partnership, and where we're each at in the dance process. The conflict is that she wants to be in the spotlight for the first time in her life. I haven't had the confidence, and have been too inhibited to do so. My W thinks I have the talent and potential to do so, but is frustrated by my confidence issues.
She said that I should have addressed my anger at her at another time, and not on the dance floor. She appreciated hearing my thoughts on my struggles with the dance process, and my apology for the bad dance. She still wants to take three nights off from practicing to let things settle.
It seems like we're struggling to work-out our relational issues thru the dance partnership. I feel satisfied, that I said what I needed to say, instead of keeping some things to myself.
I hope we can move forward, and towards a deeper dance partnership. My sense is that the dance partnership will be the standard for other partnerships in our M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL-I was irritated when I read this post. Like when you have a rock in your shoe. Your W has some unrealistic expectations, and I'm sorry she feels the need to compare you to anyone else. I get the spotlight thing, really. "She said that I should have addressed my anger at her at another time, and not on the dance floor." BS. I hope she said it nice, because I'd be hoppin' mad if someone tried to tell me when/where to address my anger. Not like I'd make a scene, but if I'm angry, telling me I 'should have' is going to spark a larger argument. ((CL)) The dance R sets the tone for the M R, if that is what you agree to. It's not set in stone. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
It seems like we're struggling to work-out our relational issues thru the dance partnership. I feel satisfied, that I said what I needed to say, instead of keeping some things to myself.
I am proud of you for speaking up, CL.
I worry a bit, though, about your wife's expectations and lack of appreciation for your time and effort. She has had trouble keeping a dance partner, hasn't she? I hope that your dance partnership will continue to improve your marital relationship, but be careful that you are not setting yourself up for failure.
Goldey, and Matilda, I feel good about how I handled the situation. I deserved to be angry with the comments she made at the dance venue. She's not accepting responsibility for them, but she at least heard my viewpoiont.
I do think she's right about the dance. If I choose to accept a dance with her, than I should be present for it. I felt trapped, as turning down a dance is not an option either.
We'll need to communicate what the expectations are if we're going out to a venue alone. She likes to dance nearly every dance, and I like a break. She wants the spotlight, and I don't feel ready for it. We'll need to communicate thru our differences, so that both needs can be met, to the extent they can.
She's mad at me now, and is threatening to not practice/dance with me for a period of time. I hope she doesn't hold onto her grudge for too long.
Don't worry. I'm not trying to mold myself into her image. I think though it's OK to experiment with some of the flashy stuff, to stretch myself. I hope we can get back on track soon.
I made a point of touching bodies while we slept last night. I think there are enough clues out there for me to move forward.
As was commented, resolving conflict is a two way street, and she has to communicate to me what she wants. There are consequences to her words and actions, whether she acknowledges it or not.
In my mind, I'm willing to accept responsibility for the poor dance, but not for the evening. I've said what I needed to, so won't keep harping on it.
I don't have control over her reaction, so will give her latitude to work it out on her own, at her own pace, but will be available to get back on track.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, I believe that the dance partnership gives us an arena to work on relational issues. Dance issues are less charged, but the skills needed to cultivate a partnership are the same as in the more charged areas--intimacy, sexual.
I received a very nice email from my W, trying to build my confidence as we venture into a new dance, studio, network, and teacher. She seems invested in building the partnership.
I ventured to her class dance, (which I'll be joining next month), even though I've only had one lesson in that particular form of dance (West Coast Swing) (WCS). It was awkward for me, but I went for her, and to introduce myself to her classmates.
She was impressed that I stretched myself to go. I wonder if it was some kind of commitment test?
I use poetry to counter ruminative thinking, and keep myself grounded. This is one of my favorite lines from a recent poem I've read:
Do you ask the weather why it comes or goes?
In other words, do I have to understand every shift in my W's moods or understand every behavior?
The line in my signature speaks to enjoying the moments when my W is present, and not focus on or analyze those times when she's distant or not available.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
