I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

My husband and I have remained together. It isn't the easiest process, it has taken a lot of patience on my part. A lot of patience. He says he wants to work things out and generally I believe him, but lately he has been depressed again, withdrawn, non-communicative, that sort of thing. I asked him directly if there was anything I should know and he said no, I asked if he just wanted space and he said yes, so that is what I am trying to do.

I came out a month or so ago that he had an affair, that it is over, and that he choose to stay in the marriage. I feel like I am always apologizing for being too talkative, or close to him or having him think I am putting pressure on him, however some days geesh who should be the one apologizing and bending over backwards for the other. I am feeling angry right now and that is not helping my patience, focusing on me, or just general up attitude. I was doing pretty well thinking about the future and what direction I want to move in and letting the past go, but with him depressed again it is making it very hard.

mostly I needed a place to vent these feelings, it helps me to write them out.

I know I am lucky that he is trying, I just wish he would go faster, try harder or get over this current bout of depression. He is seeing a therapist, and so am I, we probably need to do some couples counseling again, but he has seemed wishy washy on that idea.

tired of feeling sad and on edge

J

[123snap]

journaling I guess

things are feeling a little better, I have tried very hard to be patient and not naggy about the antidepressant thing, he did finally go and get some St John's Wort which his counselor recommended as a trial. It took him forever and I was upset that he was putting it off so much, men I tell ya, some days.

He also came home from an evening with friends in a weird mood, I asked him why he was in a weird mood, and he told me he went to confession, he had told me he was thinking about that. He also said he forgave me, and that he had blamed a lot of things on me. He actually seemed to feel somewhat lighter. The guilt he has is really strong some days, and I think admitting it to someone who would also view it as a mistake, but forgive him helped him. I do forgive him, I want to move forward in our lives, not rehash the past, I can't change that, but I can effect my future so that is what I am working on the hardest.

It bugs me that my mood was so effected, I seem to have forgotton how to act as if and to be happy in and of myself. I think the biggest reason is that I feel like things are going to work out most of the time and I am anxious for that to happen, for me to feel better. I need to remind myself we didn't get to the bottom in one day and we certainly can't climb out in one day either.

I have too much going on in my life to spend precious time and energy freaking out so I need to get better at that part

[goldeylox]

((snap)) Who was the WAS, originally? Peace.
my sitch=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1550171&page=0&fpart=1

[123snap]

goldeylox

DH was the walk-away, he said he didn't love me anymore, I only just found out that there was additional complications shall we say. He decided to come back shortly after moving out. He was depressed then in addition to having a huge number of outside stressors and just couldn't see working to make things better, so he threw in the towel. He decided that leaving was the wrong thing to do so he came back around Thanksgiving in 06, it wasn't until April that I got a kiss and we are still working on deeper intimatcy. I think that the guilt has been a very big stumbling block for him.

I have done a lot of personal growing since that time, sometimes my counselor says she is amazed that it is the same person talking.

[Concerned_Listener]

Snap,
Piecing is tough. There is so much to process amd express. Healing a M makes artists and writers of most of us, even if just to journal.

Helping my W thru her depression was a tough year. She has been spiraling upward this past year.

Your H is in therapy, which is significant. He seems to be a bear, beginning to stir from his hibernation.

CL

[RedHeadWife]

I feel like I am always apologizing for being too talkative, or close to him or having him think I am putting pressure on him, however some days geesh who should be the one apologizing and bending over backwards for the other. I am feeling angry right now and that is not helping my patience, focusing on me, or just general up attitude.

This is WAY normal!! BTDT & actually I'm feeling the exact same way the past few days. It's very hard to keep up the PMA when the other person, the one who actually had the A and wanted the D etc etc, is the one who is seemingly putting forth absolutely no effort. I think we will tend to go through these ups & downs w/in ourselves for awhile.

Don't be too hard on yourself & maybe just get out of the house by yourself & try to relax a bit.

[123snap]

I think what makes me most sad is that I am not able to distance myself from it as much as I could during the heat of the crisis. I feel like I am too dependant and allowing myself to "live for the smile" kind of thing instead of focusing on my own needs. That is part of it as well, I feel like this has been going on for a long time and I am tired of the added stress, not that I am giving up or wanting to throw in the towel, just some days I am so tired of being the one who is shouldering the burden, I have to be the rock here, for myself, for my kids as well as for my DH when he needs one. I occasionally feel so alone in this, who is my rock? I guess I know the answer, I am, and I should be, but as I am sure many of us know, it is hard sometimes.

[123snap]

updates

So H told me this weekend that he saw OW last week, he saw her at a coffee place and stopped to say hi. He said he realized that it was a mistake and it also made him realize that they can't be friends. He said he just wants everyone to be okay. I know that is personality is to try and fix everything, I think he thought if they could be friends that then it would be okay. I told him I understand his intentions, but I don't think you can really be friends with someone once you have a relationship with them. He was glad I understood his motives. A bit later in the day I told him I would prefer that he not have contact with her, and he said he understood, he said he didn't blame me for saying that or being mad, and I said I wasn't mad but I wanted him to know my feelings.

He also said he would like to start couples therapy again, we are deciding if we should go to one of our current therapists or go to a 3rd person. I am going to call my therapist and get recommendations and he is going to do the same and then we shall go from there.

I did okay this weekend, still feeling down and put upon quite a bit. Need to keep working.

[123snap]

last night we had a couple deep conversations. He said he is still so angry about the past. I told him that I have to work hard to not look back and get angry and I choose that because that is not how I feel. That I choose to be happy, he stated at some point it isn't that easy. You know there was a time when friend was telling me to choose to be happy and I was feeling the same way, I didn't think it was that easy, and while it isn't easy, it is possible to choose what you think about and dwell on and slowly the other stuff takes on a different meaning, it is not as important. I don't know do I tell him about my experience or let him learn it himself, what if he doesn't learn that, I guess, again I cannot control him, but should I tell him my experience? Maybe I will wait a while. Perhaps in counseling it will come up how I am dealing with stuff and then I can slip that in.

Still haven't heard about recommendations from my counselor, H asked last night. I was glad to be able to tell him I called and left a message.

He seems to go in cycles and a lot of it comes after a contact with OW. He said he learned that he can't do that, and he respected my asking him not to do that again.

I had a soccer game and did a lot of thinking on the way there and back. When I got home I again apologized for having hurt him in the past and told him I am doing my darned to never do that again, I said I would promise him it would never happen again, except I am human and I make mistakes.

I asked him why he wanted to go to couples counseling and he said because he wants to work on stuff, not because he thinks things are worse, that I will take that as a good sign.

Overall I know there is a lot of good, and I need to be patient and keep on, I need to continue to focus on myself and show that I am a different person, and I really am, I have worked hard to be here, and I have grown tremendously. I guess the work never really ends does it.

[123snap]

bad day
H and I had a talk today, he said that he isn't feeling "it" that he is worried, that the last 2 weeks have been hard because of this. He has set up another counseling session for himself tomorrow and that is why he asked me to go to couples counseling with him.

I feel like the bomb nearly went off again. He said he doesn't know if he loves me. He did say he isn't giving up or throwing in the towel, but he promised himself he would be honest with me about his feelings.

This is so hard, I feel so lost and hopeless again. I need a major kick in the pants here. I need to bounce and be open to the work. I feel like everytime I open my mouth I make things worse.

I am really needing to talk to someone, but all my friends are busy and not available so ...

maybe I will go for my walk.