Anyone else hate to admit you're divorced?

[BethM]

BT,

Did you ever think that maybe you are too involved in his life because he put you there?

[beenthere]

Yes, I guess that makes sense. It's as if he thought all along that he could have both of us. Now that OW (gf) is living and working in another town, he's filling the void with conversations with me. If she were there, he most likely wouldn't have time for me...and she certainly wouldn't allow him to talk to me.

It's scary though. He's nice. Sometimes he gets flirty, which scares the cr@p out of me. I know it's just because he's missing her. Heck, he tells me all the time how much he loves her and misses her and wants to marry her. I can keep it seperate for a while, but somewhere during the conversation I shake my head and remember that he's my X and talking to me for relationship advice with his gf, the one he left me for. Talk about feeling you're in the Twilight Zone.

I could tell him to take a hike, but there's some weird malfunction in my brain that keeps me listening. Some sort of weird self torture or something. Even if it's just curiosity...What is he up to now?

[JMC]

Heck, he tells me all the time how much he loves her and misses her and wants to marry her. I can keep it separate for a while, but somewhere during the conversation I shake my head and remember that he's my X and talking to me for relationship advice with his gf, the one he left me for. Talk about feeling you're in the Twilight Zone.

I agree, this is crazy. I was actually telling a friend about this over the weekend. I could not imagine.

I was listening to a similar story on a Christian station yesterday. The H left to be with an OW, but kept contacting the W and would at the end frequently break down crying about what a mess he had made of everything. This woman had become closer to God through her ordeal and commented that, though she was the LBS, she was the stronger of the two. Sadly for this woman, her H died in a car accident before there was a reconciliation.

[BethM]

BT,

Believe I'm no expert but this seems like some kind of emotional abuse. Why, knowing how much he hurt you, and how much it would hurt someone in your sitch to hear of his love for OW (especially since she is the one who broke up your marriage)does he want to share this? He can't be that nuts. Or could he? What is your take on that?

[beenthere]

I don't think he's nuts, and I don't think he's trying to hurt me. I think he knows that I am (and probably always was) the one he could talk to about just about anything. (Before the Sh$t hit the fan, of course) He really doesn't have anyone else he can talk to about this. He says he can't talk to his parents. His sis never talks about anyone but herself. He can't talk to OW about it because she's distanced herself emotionally and physically.

He needs a woman's perspective on it. And I'm safe. "What does she mean?" "What does she want?" Funny thing is, she seems to be telling him exactly what she wants, time, but he just can't give it to her. He has absolutly NO patience. Never has. Maybe he asked me because I know him better than anyone else does. Maybe he asked me because I'm a saint...ok, no, that's not it.

He's not pathetic about it. He really wants to figure it out. He has said that he gave up a lot to be able to be with this woman and he wants to know if it's going to work out or if he needs to move on...how did he put it, "We've invested a lot of time" and he doesn't want to think it was a waste.

I can listen to his situation and imagine it's any number of men here, although he's the one whose affair led to his divorce, now he's dealing with a walk-away (or at least potential waw) situation. He could easily be one of us. Sometimes I think we need to play all the parts to really learn about the situation. He may not have drawn the comparisons yet.

[beenthere]

JMC, what was it my mother used to say? "Too soon old and too late schmart." Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me how things would work out, or a plan to follow. "This is what you're supposed to do." It's just not that easy, is it?

I think I could live with XH again, but I don't think I could trust him with my body or my heart. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

[beenthere]

Guess I'm the hostess, so I should be the post-ess.

Is anyone out there in the sandwich generation? Taking care of kids and aging parents? Being the newly divorced one it seems to have fallen on me to be the caretaker. Some days it is just about enough to break me. Talk about being pulled in two different directions. I tell my sister that I'm about at the end of my rope and she really has nothing to say, nothing to offer in the way of encouragement, nothing to offer in support. Today was a tough one. I checked my dad into the hospital for kidney dialysis. Not sure if it's the right thing for him. If he's going along with it because I told him it would help him feel better. Not sure if he will tolerate the schedule he'll be on. Not sure if I can handle the sessions three times each week. Not sure of just about anything.

Some days I wish I drank more and could just slip into oblivion. Wondering when it was I became somehow the dependable one who could handle this sort of thing. I thought I was the carefree princess type without a care in the world. What's up with that? How was it decided that I should be the one who knows all the meds, the last doc visits, the diagnoses, the history? I don't even know my own medical history as well. I can't keep my house clean, how do I know when the next doctor visit is?

Rambling I know. Sorry. Just had to get it out.

[beenthere]

Well, things are looking better today. Dad's feeling better and he should be coming home tomorrow. One day at a time.

[BethM]

Bt,

I'm so glad that today was a better day for you. You sure do have a whole lot on your plate. It dosen't sound as if it leave much Bt time. We all need space to reload. How can you keep this up without feeling some resentment if you have no breaks? What about your siblings? Do they live nearby where they could give you a break?

I hope that there is someway that you can work things out.

Love,
Bethie

[ALL6785]

(((((((beenthere))))))) I'm not in the sandwich situation, but I remember mom had the responsibility of taking care of her mom. I know it's a huge responsibility.