2 steps forward, 3 back

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P.S. H did make a comment that bothered me - when talking about his job moving regarding coverage for the kids - he made a comment that "he was a big boy now" and he could take care of himself. that hurt. I think I said something like if I didn't think he was I wouldn't want him back. kinda low I said it. He never did much, that's why I took over many things. I never told him what to do for a living or to get a better job. We talked about it but I never pressured him to do anything he didn't want to do. I can't imagine him coming back to as he calls me controlling and now I think he is a baby and needs me to do everything. I really never did. These were roles we fell into. So the 180 might help me here - my gut was to offer my help on something but now I will be careful not to do it for almost anything.

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Came over this morning in our classic car to take the kids for a ride. I asked if I could go and was told no. That hurt. He had made a comment that I was awful excited over it all of a sudden, wouldn't be surprised if I already valued it. BS man.

Then I did an order for him on my computer and when it came to putting in the credit card he HAD to do it himself. Said what do you think, I would take it down or something? Give me a break. I swear I have done nothing to receive these kinds of accusations, so they really hurt at times. Ended up taking S12 to his house. D8 wanted to stay. And did I complain even though it was technically my time? NO. If I picked up the kids for a ride on his time what would he say??? Hmmmm.

Tried not to have a bad day, the neighbor saw the occurrance and invited me over for the afternoon so that I wasn't alone. D8 went swimming there too.

Got an invite w/ this neighbor to go to another neighbor's who just moved upstate for the whole next weekend and damn it I am going to get away. Can't afford totake the kids anywhere and I don't like to drive far so this is perfect.

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Since Sunday I have had very little contact with H. He called me at work Mon to ask if I got the papers, I said yes. He only contacts me when HE needs something. So since then I have left the house before he comes in the morning, and today was the first day this week I had the kids so I called out of work. He left me a voicemail to ask about paying the babysitter so instead of calling right away I waited until night and texted him my answer. I have found that he never texts me back, even to say ok. So when he dropped off the kids this morning there was no contact, just gave S12 his check. He previously told me he was going away this weekend. I am going away with the kids as well but didn't tell him. Not that it is a secret, but I am keeping things to myself like he does unless asked.

I had my support group last night. They could tell I needed to talk. I finally got a chance and damn it I cried again. I cannot stop. But I did tell them what was going on, that I was pulling back and putting up my walls. They saw it as a big change in me. I said I had to as the last 2 weeks have been beyond difficult for me. So difficult that I made the decision I had been trying to avoid, to go back on the meds. I had forgotten in 10 months of separation how low a person can really go. I see my Dr tomorrow. He knew by my call that he needed to see me again. He's a caring guy.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing. Even if he doesn't respond to me pulling away and is glad to not have contact, at least it is helping me cope. When I see him I long for him. I am almost pretending to be a widow. I truly think that would have been easier, don't you guys???

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S12 called H to tell him about new turtle. Asked to speak to me. Confirmed his days next week with the kids. I said I guess. Then he briefly talked about the turtle, I kept it light. Asked if he wanted to speak to S again, said no. Said ok bye. Did ask him where he was as it was echoing, said in the tv room at home. Oh, told him I paid the babysitter, he can pay her next week and we would be even. But tried to keep it brief, light and to the point then end it.

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S12 called H to tell him about new turtle. Asked to speak to me. Confirmed his days next week with the kids. I said I guess. Then he briefly talked about the turtle, I kept it light. Asked if he wanted to speak to S again, said no. Said ok bye. Did ask him where he was as it was echoing, said in the tv room at home. Oh, told him I paid the babysitter, he can pay her next week and we would be even. But tried to keep it brief, light and to the point then end it.

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S12 called H to tell him about new turtle. Asked to speak to me. Confirmed his days next week with the kids. I said I guess. Then he briefly talked about the turtle, I kept it light. Asked if he wanted to speak to S again, said no. Said ok bye. Did ask him where he was as it was echoing, said in the tv room at home. Oh, told him I paid the babysitter, he can pay her next week and we would be even. But tried to keep it brief, light and to the point then end it.

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Things have been quiet. Haven't heard from him since Thurs night. Picks up kids tonite for Sun-Wed. The less contact it seems the better I can take it. Pretending I am a widow.

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D8 just called H to see when he was picking them up. Apparently he went away for the weekend and is driving home. When she asked from where he said out and then side. He loves to keep secrets. I don't ask anything.

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Why do I get anxious and afraid now that he is coming to get them? What can I do to calm those fears and anxieties? Should I see him when he comes or avoid him? I will kiss the kids goodbye. I have had no contact with him as of yet as to when he is coming and it is 7pm. It is like waiting for a dentist's appt where you know you are getting your teeth drilled, I dread it. When I see him my heart longs for him, corny as it sounds. It is like forbidden fruit, you want what you cannot have. Help me.

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H called me yesterday to ask if I was signing the D receipt paper. I said when I get around to it. Then asked if I was fighting the D, because "I don't really care". Yes he does, and big time. He has been pushing for speed. I used what advice I got on here, held my emotions and said I have a lot of things on my plate right now. Which is true. He was surprised by my non-answer answer and sat in silence. So I said I cannot talk right now, I am at work talk to me another time. I shook most of the day afterwards.

After my group last night he called my voice mail. A friend from group is taking my kids out today, he doesn't know her. His message implicated that he doesn't know her, but "whatever". SO I know it is bothering him. Well they are around GF and I don't know her so he knows he has no argument. He is dropping them off soon, I know he will come in to talk to me about things.