Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

He sees you frustrated, he's let you down already.

I'm not frustrated with him, but with the communication guidelines given by the counselor & the program we are working with, that suggests 'why' questions do just what you say.. threatens, asks for defensive posturing & answers, etc.

I need to learn to say something like... "mmm.. I'm a bit confused, can you explain that more?" or "How did you feel/think that?"

What, where, when, how, who questions are good questions that are to be used carefully once the 'talker' is finished with his/her talking & the listener has summarized it correctly. Then if there is still confusion, you can ask, but not 'why'.

Instead of asking, Why did you do ________? Try - When you do _______ it makes me feel _________.
Does that make sense?

Yeah.. it does it's almost word for word what I have been practicing, except saying 'it MAKES me feel____" is also off limits. No one makes you feel anything. There actions can affect your emotions, but it is your choice to 'feel'.

I have been practicing: I feel ______ when you do ______. I need _________. And then stopping and giving him a chance to respond.

However, that doesn't get my questions answered for 'why' he feels as he does .. as he is not consistant with the above statement. So my 'why' questions usually have been a way to 'figure him out' so I knew what to do or not to do in the future to avoid setting off his temper.

That is what is making me very anxious.. how will I know???

I'm feeling very out of sorts with this new tactic, but am hopeful that with practice it will make a difference & reduce my anxiety.

Thanks for the suggestions!
Peace