Anyone here with a WAS and no children?

[poet]

Oh my goodness,

I am really glad we have this thread. Here's what I read into it:

1. We are all in very similar situations.
2. None of us have children.
3. It's easier for the spouse to walk.
4. It's easier for the WAS to get into another relationship.
5. They don't have to have contact with us if they don't want to.
6. It's easier for them to move on.
7. Not one of us has busted the divorce yet.

Here's my take.

1. This is not my thread.
2. This thread is for all of us.
3. Brainstorming is key (we should contribute solutions for each other).
4. We need to break the pattern.
5. One of us need to bust the divorce.

Do we have any takers?

poet

[runningoutoftime]

I think without kids the trick is to find a common ground where you might begin to create a "nonpursuing friendship."

For example, if your WAS is past the "anger phase" and you can handle contact without "reattaching".... and..... happen to have something in common like... let's say hiking... you very casully mention you are going to ______ and they are welcome to come along. No strings, no relationship, you just happen to be going to ____ and it would be nice to have company since your other buddies are busy. If the WAS let them know it's no big deal.

However, the rules..... NO relationship or divorce talk. This has to be like a walk with any other stranger or acquaintance. Just easy impersonal conversation. Nothing negative.... try to create a "positive" memory.

Then, let time pass.... and the next time they contact you about something mention... "Hey, I happen to be going to __________ you are welcome to come a long...." eventually... possibly.... they might invite you if you stay super non-pursuing and make it an easy, friendship-like situation they feel comfortable with. Be a great listener, be interested in them....

Never have expectations.

[poet]

Dear Running,

How will we know when they are past "the anger stage?"

poet

[runningoutoftime]

Unfortunately, each person is different. It helps if you can "read" your spouse. But calmer conversations and the ability to be together without huge arguements or blame would indicate that some of the anger may be dying out. Response of the LBS can help or hinder this.

Anger is a tool to help validate an affair and fuel divorce so a spouse desiring to stay in an affair, and go through with a divorce, will try to hold onto that anger. Also, fear and confusion can always bring it out again.

It's more difficult to divorce a friend.

[istherehope]

Just to throw my 2 cents in...a lot of us have pets. Yes I realize that they are not children, but they are living beings with whom we've formed emotional attachments with our SOs. This can help. We all (at least most of us)also have joint finances together. I know it isn't the same as children, but it is an investment nonetheless.

Also, looks like Pisces is well on the path to busting her divorce! Poet--I LOVE your idea about contributing solutions for each other. I think we are all in very different places, but we could probably all learn from each others insight.

I think most of us have read DR and DB. For anyone who hasn't talked to a DB coach, I'd highly recommend this route, even if it's just 1 session. Like I've said in other threads, no guarantees this will save the marriage, but sometimes the coach may think of things the rest of us don't see or haven't considered.

Poet--any thoughts for how we should start this off? Should we all just look at each others' threads and each of us offer advice/thoughts for the various situations?

ITH

[poet]

"Poet--any thoughts for how we should start this off? Should we all just look at each others' threads and each of us offer advice/thoughts for the various situations?"


Hello there,
I'm not a guru. I do know that having at least one wise sage from this DB group to follow my thread has been very helpful. I probably would have sunk already without it. We all need at least one. I've noticed there are several on here. Puppy Dog Tails, Smartcookie, Jack-three-beans, One Day, SG, TwinDad etc., etc. And there are a lot more too.

One idea is to ask one of the "DB sages" -- possibily someone who has busted their divorce, and/or someone who you feel "connected" with -- to come visit your thread and follow it.

Isthere, would you like to be the "secretary?" I mean, maybe keep a list of the positive ideas and pull them forward on the thread, say once or twice a week? That way we could all have it in our faces, all the time. Just an idea.

Any other suggestions?
There is hope for all of us.
poet

[istherehope]

Hi Poet,

I can give this a try. I do have some DB sages following my own thread, so this is good, and I imagine you all have them as well. So I'll try to trawl through the various threads and pick out some highlights, and I think we should all also continue to give our own suggestions. I know none of us consider ourselves experts yet, but we have probably each tried something that could be of use to someone else on this board.

ITH

[poet]

Great Is,

I would love to hear from all of those people on this thread. Some, like Max, I've spoken to a few times. Most of you, I've never spoken to, so couldn't we all give a little input? I for one, would like to hear some.

Thank you so much,
poet

[JLF75]

I'm also a LBS with no children, but we do have dogs that I know W misses. Even though when this started W told her Mom and sister that she didn't even care about them, but when we have talked W says that she misses them. My thread is in Newcomers; WAW Help. Things between us seem great as long as I agree with W about the situation. If I disagree even the slightest bit, all I get from her is, "it's over, I don't love you, etc"... I did fall for her "friend" telling me she was there for me as well, only to have our talks be relayed to the W. W and I have only argued through all of this when the "friend" opens her big mouth about something I said. W told me yesterday that she called a lawyer, of course I told her I would never grant it even though she asked me not to contest. After asking W who she called, she revealed that she hadn't filed for anything, just called and was awaiting a call back. I've heard nothing since about it. I also said I would absolutely not do any of the work and would not pay for anything in regards to a divorce until she could go into MC together with an open mind. She couldn't garauntee the open mind but agreed to go "just so I understand why". I told her I just needed time myself and wasn't going to throw away 13 years with just 2 months of seperation. She stayed home the first week, moved away the 2nd, came back for the 3rd, and from the 4th week to present has been at her friend's. I too read these threads and think it's hopeless without kids, but the pets seem to have a hold on things more than we think, as well as financial ties.

[MaxP]

Hi all, seems that there are quite a few people engaged in this discussion. Hopefully that means there will be some useful advice to draw on.

I too had an issue with talking to a mutual friend, who then relayed information back to my W. In fact, my W then followed up by telling / warning me that anything I said to him would come back to her. I knew that anyway and in some ways felt that it was something of an advantage. It's another way of relaying info back to your spouse if the direct lines of communication are troubled.

What I did find hard though was the feeling that she was talking to her friends a lot more about what was really going on in her head than to me. In her mind, they suddenly became more her kind of people than I was. That's particularly galling when you consider your spouse to be your best friend.

I sometimes wonder what was said behind closed doors. I still get the feeling that there was a final trigger to the unfolding of everything. It seemed to change so quickly. I still don't know if I am right on that score, or what it may have been. Probably there was a day when I was suddenly compared to the potential OM and found lacking. Oh, the benefits of hindsight ...

Max