Seperated but living together...

[Kiki1011]

Thank you for the advice Jeff. And guess what...it's storming again today! AAAHHH! It's like an awful night mare I can't wake up from. :o) The reason I am so afraid of storms is when I was little my Grandma's house got struck by lightning while we were in it. It blew up the TV right in front of us and started a horrible fire. Plus horror movies always have the worst stuff happening during storms or rain. :o)

So I talked to H around 11:00pm last night. We just made a little small talk at first. We even talked about the storms from the day before and he made the comment "Yeah, I was thinking about how you were home alone during those storms wondering if you were doing ok", that's a good sign right? He is still thinking about me. And he also opened up and talked about the discussion he had with his father. I wanted to leave so I could end the conversation my way but I was so drawn to talking to him.

Before I went to walk away I turned back and asked about boundaries. (kept telling myself don't do it Nik, just go to bed, but I couldn't help myself because I just needed to know) I just told him I didn't know where we currently stood and what I should or shouldn't talk to him about or if I should even sit near him in living room or avoid him completely. I told him I just didn't know how to act around him because I felt as if we were merely 2 strangers living together. He responded that yes I could sit and watch TV with me and that I was the one who was ignoring him, he never wanted to ignore me. He said he hasn't talked to me because I haven't been near him. He also made the comment "We ARE still married right now" and said that if I wanted anything from him like a hug or wanted to cuddle or anything just to approach him. I hugged him and then he asked if I wanted him to lay in my bed with me for a little while to hold me. He did, but then the cuddling led to ML. I don't know if that was a mistake or not. Michelle I made a post about how ML with a seperated spouse could be a good thing. I felt sad a little bit at first because all of the emotions of missing him came rushing up, but over all I feel a little better.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Niki)))))

Wow! I think being in a house where lightning started a fire might change my opinion on storms a bit! And the TV blowing up! That's a horror movie of its own!

You probably talked too much, but it sounds like it went well, in the end.

I can see how ML would be confusing, but if you feel better, it was probably ok. I think that there were a few good things you mentioned. He was thinking about you, and he even told you. And then HE said that you were married. I think that is good. I think this story is a long way from over! Hold your head up, take care of yourself, try to smile, and keep going!

[Kiki1011]

Thanks for always being so quick to comment back Jeff...You really are a huge help!

So...last night when I got home H was in the living room. We sat and watched TV for a little while together and were talking and laughing and getting along great. He even opened up more about his Dad and I told him I was so happy for him. He then asked if I wouldn't mind putting lotion over his new tattoo in the spots on his back where it is hard for him to reach. I said sure and we walked to the bathroom. Well, right after he took his shirt of his phone rang and it was the OW. He grabbed his phone, answered it and ran outside so quick you would think there was a fire or something. He even ran out with out his shirt. So instead of waiting for him to get done talking to her I just turned all the lights off and went to bed. I heard him come inside only a couple minutes later so it wasn't too long of a conversation.

Even after that I was still optimistic this morning, but then I talked to him this afternoon. We both got home from work around the same time. He asked me if I would be getting paid tomorrow because I had told him earlier I would still help him with the mortgage since I was still living there. I said yes, so he said "Well I was wondering if you could cut me a check tomorrow morning and leave it on the fridge?", Well the mortgage isn't due until the 15th so I asked him why he needed it tomorrow and why I had to do it in the morning. His response was basically "Well I could use the money right now and I need you to do it in the morning because I am going out of town tomorrow night...I'm uuuugh going to Milwaukee for ummm a brewer's game, I just ummm got 2 tickets today" Well Milwaukee, which is an hour and a half away, is where the OW lives. And just by the sound in his voice I could tell the real reason he was going there was to see her. UGH! So basically he just asked me to write him a check so he has enough money to go spend the weekend with the OW!!!!!!

Is he serious? Come on!! How low is that? I just spent the last hour crying my eyes out (not while he was here). I want to call her so badly and scream at her! It took everything I had not to yell at him "I'm not going to give you money so you can go see your tramp!", but I didn't. I remained cool in his presence and all I said was "I'll see, but I can't promise anything". Does this warrant me saying something to him though? How far do I let this go? How can he treat me like this? I am his wife! AND I'm carrying his baby! UGH!!!! What do I do here? And now it is absolutely killing me to know that he is going up there to see here tomorrow. How am I ever going to get through work knowing that? This is my weekend to work so it's not like I can just take off and escape.

Also, found out that she is 11 years older than me!

I'm thinking about just throwing in the towel. He obviously doesn't want me anymore. Why am I wasting my time, energy, love, and tears on a man that can so easily hurt me like this withought even thinking twice. I hate him so much right now. I hate saying that but I do. I feel so much hatred and anger and rage building up in me.

[LolaL]

Hi Niki: I was just reading your thread. Honey, you need a HUGE Hug (((((((((((((((((((Niki)))))))))))))))))))))))

It is not your responsiblity to pay for his trip. If he doesn't have the money, too bad. Do not enable or help him to see OW. You don't have to be mean about it, just say you had some other expenses or something to that effect.

I know that you are so close to the sitch right now, you can't see the forest through the trees. He is trying to figure out what he wants. If you play your cards right, and really want to save the marriage, then it depends on how you handle things.

Don't flip out. I know this is easier said than done. But when you feel like exploding, explode here. Let it happen here. Because we all know where you are and what you are going through, and we can talk you down (especially Jeff, isn't he great??? He has picked me off the floor so many times I can't count).

Find something, anything to take your mind off this. I have a great book, if you want, but it is a faith-based book. What I can tell you is that he has helped me so much I cannot even begin to explain.

Don't sit at home. Meet with friends, people who can comfort. Go out, get a massage, be good to you, especially now. This is coming as a double blow to you, and you truly need to make sure you stay healthy for not only you, but the baby as well.

We are all here for you, Niki. Just breath...we will help you get through this.

Lola

[happycamper]

Hi Niki

Don't have much good advice for you, but I just wanted to empathise with your situation about living together. My H is still here most of the time, and he has a gf now. He texts her all the time, and calls her (but he goes outside to do that). I'm finding that you have to deal with the pain of the gf/ow on top of the pain of the separation. And on top of that you have to content with pregnancy hormones too.

Just wanted to say it's horrible living with your separated H, it makes life so much harder. My heart goes out to you. Thankfully there are some really wise people here that can point you in the right direction DBwise.

(((Niki)))

[goldeylox]

OK, deep breath.
Repeat. Repeat.
((((((((((((((((((((((((Niki))))))))))))))))))))))
If H is going out of town for the weekend, what GAL things are you planning? Become the woman he can't live without. Peace.

[Kiki1011]

Thanks Lola. This just keeps getting harder and harder. I want to save my marriage more than anything in the world, but what price am I willing to pay? I just feel like I don't deserve to be in this situation and I wish he would wake up and realize what he is doing to me.

What is the book that you were going to suggest? I could use as many reading suggestions as possible.

Thanks again,
Niki

[Kiki1011]

How do you deal with him talking to her like that in front of you? My H goes outside when he talks to her too because I asked him to give me respect and not talk to her in our house, but it's not as if it helps me anymore this way because I know darn well who he is on the phone with so I know he is still talking to her.

I definitely know what you are going through though.

((((happycamper))))

[Kiki1011]

There really isn't much I can do this weekend to GAL. I have to work 10 hours tommorrow, 11 on saturday, and then 10 again Sunday. Ugh! I haven't had a day off in 6 days!

Any suggestions??? :o)

[happycamper]

He has a problem. I just see him as someone who has issues and he can't help but get involved with someone else a week after we had called it a day. Also, like you, one night after he had been gone for over an hour (!) and I realised I was waiting up for him, I went to bed and turned off the lights.

I also told him that he was not to text if we were having some scheduled time together (eg if we need to talk about something) as that was my time.

We are going on holiday next week together too, and I told him that I couldn't face him texting her all the time (and I mean once every five minutes) as it was my holiday too, so we've agreed that he will text her but not in front of me. In return I will 'let' him call her for 30 mins once the children are in bed.