So I married a sex addict...

[jon2911]

Ok, to give DB the benefit of the doubt, how can you DB when you know the R you want back is very unhealthy for you? At time of writing 1) H does not want to change (for me anyway) and is certain he would be unfaithful again, 2) is happy to be financially irresponsible, 3) doesn't see me as sexual at all and hasn't for years and 4) doesn't think he can be honest with me. The only reason he told me all the stuff is that we were friends and not marriage partners.

I don't want a R with him, it's too frightening. Do I still consider DB? (I can hear all my friends shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!")

These are good questions. I know it's tough, especially when you've been betrayed this much.

I would say this: DBing is not about saving the marriage, it's about making you a better person. I like what the article above says:

"Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more."

I know that goes completely against what you're feeling. And what your friends would say. I wanted to hurt my W as bad as she hurt me. The last thing I wanted to do was be her friend.

But I knew she wasn't falling off the face of the earth. At times I thought it'd be a lot easier if she'd died. Sounds terrible, but it's true. Then I could grieve and get over it.

And to get real Christian-y here, I knew we'd both be in Heaven. Which I couldn't really fathom after what she'd done to me. So, even though there are no kids involved, I made a choice to be her friend. And now the door is open to something more...

As for your husband, I'm sure he wants to change. But he's not desperate enough to do what it would take. For example, entering a 12-step program and being completely honest like I had to. He needs to get miserable enough to want to change, and it will happen if you give it time.