So I married a sex addict...

[happycamper]

previous thread

Hi to anyone that knows me. I thought I'd move over here seeing as this is where I am now.

Brief summary - you can see in my sig the bare facts. H is a SA and mid June he told me that he had been acting out for the last 10 years of our marriage. I had no idea at all, apart from him being very distant and secretive. Ok, so it's probably more accurate to say that I had some idea, but he kept it hidden very well and he lied even better.

At the time he told me he said he didn't want to deal with his issues, I agreed then that our M was over. As far as I am concerned if he wanted to stay with me and work on things then I would. He doesn't want to stay, he's currently looking for a permanent place to go.

As soon as we had told our parents (and he could answer the 'Are you having an affair?' question with 'No') he started to see someone, I think he had been having an EA with her for a while. He has told her his issues (ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch), and they seem to be getting on well. At the moment he is still living here at weekends, and so he texts her all the time which is really hard for me to deal with. We are due to go on holiday next week and we have set some boundaries in place with regards to the texting/calling her.

What I am finding very hard is to separate the end of our R with his new R with gf. When there was no-one else in the picture I felt as if it was something we were going through together, and I could see clearly the issues surrounding our breakdown (there are others besides the SA, honestly!). Now he has someone else it seems all my logic has gone out of the window and I feel horribly rejected, very emotional. It was one thing to agree to go on holiday as a family when my only issue was can we go without arguing (no problems there), but now he has someone else it's a 100 times harder.

I am having problems detaching because I know that for my part we are separating because it is the right thing to do for me, not because I necessarily want to. H on the other hand isn't really detaching any more than he already had done throughout the course of our M, ie he is having a PA with someone else but still wants a very close friendship with me and is even very flirty, particularly when I try to detach from him.

(iamlost - no foot stamping, just lots of flirting... great while he was here, and then he phones to talk about spending New Year with gf and I am crushed, and have to start detaching all over again.)

I am sooooooooooooo tempted to start internet dating because it soothes the pain of the gf. In reality, this is the last thing I want to do if I am to deal with the ending of my M properly. If I could separate the end of our M from H's gf it would be better.

[girlfromipanema]

happycamper,

I haven't posted to you before, but just read your new post and wanted to give you a virtual hug. I don't know how you can maintain civility when he's in the home all weekend texting his girlfriend. You are strong (even if you don't believe it).

Forget about the Internet dating for now. What are you doing to work on you? For fun? Can you indulge yourself with something decadent?

Take care.

[LolaL]

(((Happy)))

Can I ask why he is still at the house on the weekends? It seems that would make it more painful for you...

[happycamper]

Hi girlfromip

thanks for reading and posting. I am trying to do some things for me, it's not easy with little ones to find the time (poor excuse I know). It will be easier when H leaves as we have decided that rather than the children 'staying' with Dad, Dad will come and every other weekend will 'stay' with the children and Mummy will move out. It will mean I will have a weekend to myself for the first time since, well ever!!

I am going on holiday next spring by myself and I have also saved up some money to buy myself a pretty ring as I have taken off my others.

You are right - I do need to GAL.

[happycamper]

Hi LolaL - thanks for the hug.

He hasn't really left at all. He has a 90 min journey to work so at the moment he stays near work whenever he can (which usually is mon-thur). He's here at weekend because he hasn't found anywhere permanent, and also to spend time with the children.

Also I think at the start we thought we'd do things gradually, but now I can see how much harder we have made it for ourselves. I didn't really want to let him go and I think he doesn't really want to lose me either - although he doesn't want me in a romantic/sexual sense.

When I think about it, it's been almost 8 weeks since we made our decision, he should have found somewhere by now. Think he is dragging his heels.

[jon2911]

(((happycamper)))

Just some thoughts from the other side. My SA was never in real life, just on the internet. When we separated, W thought that gave her permission to do whatever, and a year later she still thinks that. Just know that it doesn't solve anything.

Don't worry about this OW, she can't hold a candle to you. And keep coming here to get some ideas on how to make sure of that, which is the point of GAL. It may seem strange that your H still wants friendship, but it's actually very good. Keep that going. Of course, you want to punish him and be vindictive. But when you feel that way, read articles like this, it's helped me a lot:

http://divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

As for the texting, I finally put my foot down about that last weekend. Yes, I looked at porn and ignored her at times in our marriage. And I've apologized profusely for that, but that doesn't mean I get to be a doormat either. Here were the results, about halfway down:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1548335&page=0&fpart=10

[happycamper]

Jon - greetings from a fellow worship leader!

Thanks so much for your post. I have to confess that I feel a bit of a fraud here really. I started off in this community as a DBer, but after having heard the truth from H I just can't see a way forward for us. If I start thinking along the lines of DBing, or even 'waiting' for my H to get himself sorted, I get very confused. At the moment GAL is all about getting over my R, not about getting him back. In fact there is only one thing I fear more than him leaving, and that is him staying.

The only way I could come to terms with 'God's perfect will' in all of this was to say that our present R was utterly dead and toxic. It may be that some day I we might start a new R, but it wouldn't be the old one. I don't really think he is ever going to come back to me, it's just too painful to 'wait' for him.

I think you act very well with your W, you're clearly putting in alot of effort. Sorry to read about your situation.

[happycamper]

Ok, to give DB the benefit of the doubt, how can you DB when you know the R you want back is very unhealthy for you? At time of writing 1) H does not want to change (for me anyway) and is certain he would be unfaithful again, 2) is happy to be financially irresponsible, 3) doesn't see me as sexual at all and hasn't for years and 4) doesn't think he can be honest with me. The only reason he told me all the stuff is that we were friends and not marriage partners.

I don't want a R with him, it's too frightening. Do I still consider DB? (I can hear all my friends shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!")

[jon2911]

Ok, to give DB the benefit of the doubt, how can you DB when you know the R you want back is very unhealthy for you? At time of writing 1) H does not want to change (for me anyway) and is certain he would be unfaithful again, 2) is happy to be financially irresponsible, 3) doesn't see me as sexual at all and hasn't for years and 4) doesn't think he can be honest with me. The only reason he told me all the stuff is that we were friends and not marriage partners.

I don't want a R with him, it's too frightening. Do I still consider DB? (I can hear all my friends shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!")

These are good questions. I know it's tough, especially when you've been betrayed this much.

I would say this: DBing is not about saving the marriage, it's about making you a better person. I like what the article above says:

"Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more."

I know that goes completely against what you're feeling. And what your friends would say. I wanted to hurt my W as bad as she hurt me. The last thing I wanted to do was be her friend.

But I knew she wasn't falling off the face of the earth. At times I thought it'd be a lot easier if she'd died. Sounds terrible, but it's true. Then I could grieve and get over it.

And to get real Christian-y here, I knew we'd both be in Heaven. Which I couldn't really fathom after what she'd done to me. So, even though there are no kids involved, I made a choice to be her friend. And now the door is open to something more...

As for your husband, I'm sure he wants to change. But he's not desperate enough to do what it would take. For example, entering a 12-step program and being completely honest like I had to. He needs to get miserable enough to want to change, and it will happen if you give it time.

[happycamper]

I think my problem is I am happy to be his friend, more than that, I want to be his friend. I want to be the one he confides in, the only one who knows all his stuff (true for the moment), the only one he feels comfortable with... basically what I want if I'm very honest is an EA with my H. That doesn't help me to detach in the slightest.

As a christian, I feel that our M based on promises made before God is over (although it may not be over legally). That's why I call her the gf, not the ow. I don't want to have an EA with someone else's boyfriend!!!