"To me, 'cake-eating' is when a wayward spouse gets some of their physical and emotional needs met by their OW/OM, while some of their other emotional, sometimes physical, and usually financial needs are being met by their betrayed spouse, without condition or consequence. When this condition is reached, there is really no incentive for the adulterous spouse to stop their infidelity, because they are 'having their cake, and eating it, too.'
Yes, God loves us unconditionally. But even Jesus told the harlot 'go and sin no more' when he forgave her. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for our OWN emotional health, and letting our wayward spouses know what they are, and what the consequences are for breaking them.
In my opinion."
Hello,
Your above comment is what fits me to a T. Puppy, if you're out there, and you see this post, please know that I have just set a boundary for my H when he is at home. He does not live here but seems to occasionally come and stay overnight on the couch. He's done it three times since he moved out in the middle of May.
Two of those times were because he was sick. The other time was because it was July 4th weekend, I guess. Anyway, he had his cake (OW) and ate it too stayed married to me for about three years, I think. I'm not sure what he was eating out of my hand because it certainly wasn't financial or sexual. Maybe it was emotional; who knows.
Now, we have phone contact about once or twice a day because that's what he wants. In fact, I was reading a thread on this board today around 4:20 p.m., just about the time he's on his way home from work.
He called to ask me if I was off work yet. I had been crying from the thread, and my coach told me not to answer if I'm in a bad way. But because of recent incidences with my H and the phone issue, I felt it best -- might have been a mistake. Anyway, he only wanted know if I was still away from the house because he was planning to come home if I was not here. I guess I diverted his plans.
The convo took him only 30 seconds:
H: Hey, are you still at work. M: (shaky voice) No. H: Are you OK? M: (wimper) A closed mouth cry came from my throat. H: Alright, I let you go. M: OK.
Then about an hour later I called him back
M: Hello H: What is it now? M: I was just calling to see what you wanted. H: You don't call me, so I was calling you to see what to do about feeding the dog. M: I thought we discussed this yesterday. I'll take care of the dog. And I thought you told me yestderday that you were "running out of money because of the gas you were using" (it's about 25 miles out of his way - not alot compared to my 120 miles one way). H: Alright, but I can't always tell. I'll just expect you to feed him. M: OK, well, I'm just following your lead. H: OK then, goodbye. M: Bye.
Anyway, I fear to say this but I'm sure he is not running out of money because he's coming home once in a while to feed the dog. He may be coming to see what I'm up too. OH well, I guess he can still have his cake and eat it too. Maybe this last comment is not loving, but I'm only saying it here and that's really how I feel, at the moment.
