my W stated at the begining of our sitch that i was controlling. It's taken me quite awhile to figure this out because it wasn't the overt "No you are not going to do that" type of control. It was an emotional control...almost like i wouldn't allow her to have certain emotions, because in Neil's world, nothing was wrong...we had a great marriage, etc etc etc....
isn't this the same type of thing? Or am i missing the point? I'm just throwing it out there for discussion. I do like the idea, but i don't want to "control" things....influence, of course...:-)...not control.
If anyone explain the difference......
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
just think of it as bring up the happy times- make it something very casual- something the whole family did that was funny- a zoo visit or movie or when the girls spilled something and it was cute..anything that is a fun memory-- just say something reminded you of it the other day...very mellow...
it can only be good to bring up happy thoughts- but only if it isnt forced...dont even think about it- now you have it up your sleeve for the perfect moment!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
"...almost like i wouldn't allow her to have certain emotions."
OK, I have to add my two cents on this one because my H did/does the same thing to me. The biggest Ah Ha moments I have had from all of this is -- that very statement above.
Neil, if and only if your wife feels the same as I do about that statement, it is not because you are bringing up a positive memory, but more because you wouldn't allow her to have her negative emotional feelings like anger, hurt and fear.
Did you ever cut her off and say, "I don't want to talk about this?" or "I don't want to hear it?"
There is a big difference between what I'm saying and what they are saying. Your wife handled it differntly than I did. She got tired of it and left the R. I got tired of it and started fighting back. Same problem, different ways of dealing with it. Just something to think about.
I may be wrong, but, I thought the bringing up a memory fell under the same guidelines of doing something similar in a note or begging. Like as if to say "but we had such great times."
It could backfire because it could remind them of the old R (something they obviously didn't want/like).
Isn't that bad?
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
Look at it like how I brought up my D5 going to Kindergarten this year. I was able to slip in a good memory--H's homecoming from cruise to a new baby, while talking about something that is going to happen soon. It is just a way to have a nice memory without pressure.
Like this:
"I came across such and such today. Do you remember when So and so happened? Was nice to thik about it for a minute or two today."
SMW
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
It was an emotional control...almost like i wouldn't allow her to have certain emotions,
If anyone explain the difference......
I know this thought... I said H always had to have his way emotionally.
He would argue with my feelings. You can not (should not) argue with feelings, people feel what they feel. You may not feel the same way in the same circumstances, but that is OK. Arguing (with logic) that your W shouldn't like broccoli because it tastes bad to you, is a pointless argument. You surely wouldn't have that one would you??
And, logically debating why your marriage is so good & her feeling alone, disrespected, controlled, etc. are not 'right'.. leaves only your feelings in the room as the 'right' ones.
Debate is for the elections, not for your marriage..
Validation & empathic, compassionate listening are so crucial for helping both sets of feelings be heard in the room. If the feelings behind an action are not shared, it becomes difficult to understand the 'why'.
I know you want to understand HER "why".. which means you need to let her share her feelings WITHOUT judging, patronizing, belittling or arguing with them.
You can be logical with choices & actions (whether to buy a new washing machine or not) but to argue with her feelings of frustration because the old washing machine leaves the clothes dirty & doesn't fully spin the water out, is dismissing what she feels. Thereby controlling the emotion in the room.
Does that make sense?? Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
