Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

Ugh I think I had a relatively small but painful backslide.

I went out to dinner, and left my computer on to see whether H would IM me. He did, only to say that he can't make the counseling session tomorrow as something urgent came up for work. So I just called all friendly to ask what was up, and he explained why he couldn't make it, fine. Then I said I was leaving the country Thursday (wanting him to realize how soon I'll be gone), and he just said in an exasperated voice, "I know", then "maybe we'll catch lunch or something this weekend, we'll see"--he never talks like this, "let's catch lunch". I know I sounded upset at the way he said this. I am his wife, not some girl that he just met. It is so painful right now that I want to scream! He asked what was wrong, and I said nothing, just that I had plans Sunday, so it would have to be Saturday if we did meet up. I was not very cool. Then he asked again about having weekly sessions with the DB coach (remember he doesn't think of it as DB therapy--only someone to talk to), and I said I would set them up. Yes--controlling, but in this case he actually has asked me to. So, I called to set them up, tried to IM him to check on the times, but he turned off IM during the conversations, so then I called again just to let him know I'd set up the appointments and make sure the times were OK. This conversation was better, though I shouldn't have had it. He sounded so cold and distant, and last night he sounded so warm (relatively) and nice. I want so much just to get on the train and go home and climb into bed with him and cry. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I can absolutely see why people choose divorce. This is so incredibly painful, especially with someone who has no real incentive, like I do, to keep the marriage going--he has no support network pulling for th marriage--unlike me, where I have told everyone I want the marriage to work, and that my H is a good person and I won't speak badly of him.

I just can't help but feeling that if I talked to him I could really get through to him, rather than all of this ignoring him and trying to avoid him bit. It's so counterintuitive right now and I just feel sick, and am completely dreading the weekend. Now if he does call me, it will likely be out of guilt, not excitement to see me. Isn't there a way to get them to see past this fog??? There is no OW in my case, but I really worry there will be once I leave...

ITH