2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

Since Sunday I have had very little contact with H. He called me at work Mon to ask if I got the papers, I said yes. He only contacts me when HE needs something. So since then I have left the house before he comes in the morning, and today was the first day this week I had the kids so I called out of work. He left me a voicemail to ask about paying the babysitter so instead of calling right away I waited until night and texted him my answer. I have found that he never texts me back, even to say ok. So when he dropped off the kids this morning there was no contact, just gave S12 his check. He previously told me he was going away this weekend. I am going away with the kids as well but didn't tell him. Not that it is a secret, but I am keeping things to myself like he does unless asked.

I had my support group last night. They could tell I needed to talk. I finally got a chance and damn it I cried again. I cannot stop. But I did tell them what was going on, that I was pulling back and putting up my walls. They saw it as a big change in me. I said I had to as the last 2 weeks have been beyond difficult for me. So difficult that I made the decision I had been trying to avoid, to go back on the meds. I had forgotten in 10 months of separation how low a person can really go. I see my Dr tomorrow. He knew by my call that he needed to see me again. He's a caring guy.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing. Even if he doesn't respond to me pulling away and is glad to not have contact, at least it is helping me cope. When I see him I long for him. I am almost pretending to be a widow. I truly think that would have been easier, don't you guys???