Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[tpaschal]

Pam,

I can't remember for sure---how long has your H been gone? 5 years or so? And how long has the D been final? Was there an OW in your sitch, and if so, is she still around?

What's up with your xh sending text messages? How long did it take before he started trying to reconnect like that? Weren't you thinking for a while about reconciling? I guess, though, he hasn't made the changes necessary for that to happen?


Nope, I don't do much sleeping these days. I've always been a night owl, and always had a problem being a really light sleeper, but I used to be able to turn over and go back to sleep. Not anymore.

Now I usually fall asleep at 11 or 12, sleep a couple of hours, wake up, lay there trying to go back to sleep, then give up and get up and do housework or catch up on email or come visit the DB boards. Then I crash again at 5am or so for a couple of hours.

I have GOT to find a way to stop this, but I am reluctant to take Ambien or even Lunesta, as they make me feel groggy for hours after I wake up. Actually, I hate to take any kind of sleeping pills or meds that knock me out when I am the only adult in the house.

My kids were 12, 8, and 4 when H left. H, like your xh, was a wonderful father. He wasn't perfect, but he was very involved and caring. The kids, me, his house, and his dog---you know, the whole home and family deal---were the priority in his life. He adored his kids, and they adored him.

Now? This is Mr. Hyde. I completely understand what you mean about just being left with a shell of the person they were before. And my H has tried to reinvent himself so drastically that he doesn't even look like the same person.

Does your xh want to see the kids? Does he initiate contact? Does he call them? My H NEVER calls the kids. And I get the feeling the only reason he is being even somewhat consistent about taking them every other weekend right now is to look good for the judge. Will that get better or worse? I'm afraid that once the D is final, he will just drop off the face of the earth.

The two younger kids do sometimes have fun with him when they see him (he's still stuck in Disney Dad mode), but all three of them feel how different he is and it makes them uncomfortable. Also, he texts and talks CONSTANTLY with the OW, even right in front of them, and they hate it. He often asks if he can pick them up on Sat. morn. instead of Fri. night, and often tries to drop them off early. They ask me all the time why he is choosing to be with her instead of with them.

My D14 is ANGRY. She does not want to be with her father AT ALL anymore, though I do sometimes force the issue. He has been taking them to his apt. every other weekend, but she gives him a hard time and he gets angry, I guess because she makes him feel guilty and ashamed, so he has said she doesn't have to come anymore if she doesn't want to. H says D14 is old enough to stay on her own even if I'm going out for the evening. My response has mostly been, "Oh, yes, she does have to." My thoughts are---he has three children, not just two, and he has to face her.

Also, at 14 she is NOT young enough to stay on her own overnight, and it's not fair that I would never get a chance to be with my friends. As much as I love her, I need a break once in a while from her, too! I have friends who live about an hour away, and when I go visit I usually stay over night. I have a couple of single girlfriends I go out with, and sometimes we do stay out talking until the restaurant/bar kicks us out, or we go to a midnight movie. I also have a friend in NY who wants me to come for a weekend. So when would I ever get to do any of that?

Not to mention if I ever want to start dating! I know I'm not ready for that right now, and may not be for a while, but what if I am? What if I want to have someone come over for dinner? What if I want to stay out all night? I have no intention of regressing into a 19 year old, as H has done, but I do want the chance to have a personal life when I'm ready for it.

Maybe that sounds horribly selfish, but I do believe that I need time to be more than just a Mommy, in order to be a good Mommy. Ya know? I do pray about it a lot, and hope that my motivations are coming from the right place. I don't want to dump the kids on him to punish him, and I certainly don't want to damage them, but I do think that since this is the life he has chosen, he needs to deal with the consequences. And one of the consequences of divorce is---he gets to deal with the kids on his own every other weekend. Why should I always be stepping in to his relationship with D14 to lessen his guilt? Why should I always be bailing him out?

It's hard, though, because my D14 resents me for making her go. I wish I had the perfect solution.

Well, off to do some cleaning and grocery shopping. I'm looking forward to my friend (a former neighbor) and her kids coming tomorrow for the weekend, but it's going to be wild with six kids in the house and lots of extra guests stopping by to say hi!

Have a great day!

T