MAN UP

[Mike85]

My regained rapport with my in-laws required work. On all of our parts.

Prior to W dropping the bomb, she and her mom were very close. In fact W told MIL that she was going to drop the bomb just prior to doing so. At the time, I asked W what MIL's reaction was, and W said that her mom was sad for her and us. Period.

Prior to the bomb-drop, in-laws and I were very close. MIL and I used to stay up and talk for hours. We have the same warped sense of humor, both love Britcoms, exotic food, and her daughter. FIL and I also got along great. He is a Korean War combat vet, built flying model planes for a hobby, worked in an historic warplane museum after retirement, and is just a great guy. After the sudden, unexpected death of BIL from a rare genetic disease (caused him to throw clots after a minor surgery, leading to massive stroke and death at age 40, leaving a young widow and three young kids), FIL told me that he considered *me* to be his son now. I was honored and have always tried to live up to that.

Prior to the bomb, MIL went in for knee replacement surgery, and it was scheduled during my school's spring break so that FIL could move in with us and I could help take care of him (he has Parkinson's). His Parkinson's was worsening considerably around that time, a fact that neither W nor I knew. We ended up having to have him rushed via ambulance to the hospital, where they informed W and I about the worsened dementia and loss of body function. W spent weeks bouncing from FIL's hospital (dealing with neurologists, etc.), to MIL's recovery hospital room, to work, coming home only to sleep. My job was to hold the fort and take care of the kids. I barely saw her. When I did, she was exhausted and mentally devastated. Her dad was her hero.

I definitely believe that the situation with her dad was the straw that broke the camel's back, helping to trigger her MLC.

Anyhow, W kept a distance btw in-laws and me. I didn't contact them, not wanting to put them in the middle. W served as sole conduit of info to them, "coloring" the truth. As a result, MIL advised W to take hard line with me and consult L. When I happened to run into MIL a few weeks post-bomb, she told me that her daughter was having "classic" MLC (I laughed, b/c by this time I had figured that out). She said that she advised W to take hard line b/c MIL thought I was going to exercise my legal rights to snag full custody of kids. We had a long talk and I asked her what, in the last 20 years of her knowing me, would lead her to believe that I would behave that way. She apologized to me, we hugged. Things were still odd, though. Turns out that she knew about W's affair, knew that i didn't yet know about it, and was fearing an explosion from me when I did.

It was apparently a birthday card I sent to FIL for his 75th anniversary that finally broke the ice for good. I enclosed a brief letter explaining how much I love them, missed them, and still consider them family. I also told them that despite the awkwardness, the pain, the loneliness, the sense of betrayal, I still love their daughter and am working to restore my family. I also enclosed a couple "Pearls Before Swine" comic strips (told you that we shared the same sense of humor...).

Within a couple of days of getting the card, MIL and FIL visited me. There was hugging, tears, and a lot of mutually supportive talk. I saw how W's behavior has hurt them, embarrassed them, and drained them. W has pretty much severed the close ties with MIL, blown off their scheduled lunches, and only visits MIL & FIL with OM in tow.

I realized that although what I'm going through is horrible, I at least have a great C, know what books to read, and have this great place for help. They have nothing.

Scratch that.

They have me.

And will continue to do so.

It took a lot of work and trust on all our parts to get to where we are. I may have made the first efforts to open myself up and start the communication, but they took the leap and responded with love and trust. We need each other. Heck, I've even passed on some of the advice folks here have given - e.g., telling them to be careful in what they say/do despite W's behavior, as she will need a "safe" place when things with OM fall apart. MIL and I enjoy spending time hanging again, sometimes for commiserating, sometimes just to discuss books or TV shows, sometimes just to hang with my kids.

It took work, but it is worth it. For me, for them, and for my kids.