Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

Hi everyone.
thanks for the waves purple & cookie, and for checking in with me Tim & Neil.

We have been to communications counseling two times in the past 10 days. We don't go again for another 10 days.

One of the sessions ended up being MC because of some major drama that occured earlier last week. We were trying to use some of the tools for listening & talking given to us for better communication.

I heard him just fine, he heard me just fine. We found out, we don't have the tools to resolve conflicts in a way that is healthy. Compromise is not a win/win, it is a lose/lose.
both parties feel resentful with a compromise, especially if it is a resolution that is implemented and dealt with daily. Both are reminded that this really isn't what you wanted or needed, it's what you could agree to in the moment without a better option.

H learned a bit more from the counselor about his communication style when 'hearing' my feelings. It took the C about 10 minutes to walk him through how to do that in a way that is effective and meaningful. H was in tears for most of it.

He walked out of that session feeling very depressed and hopeless. In fact the better part of the following week was spent with him actively expressing his doubt of being able to do what the C showed him.

I wanted so badly to say, 'well, if you'd get into IC yourself and work on some of your own issues of control, self-esteem, & anger, maybe it would be easier to be compassionate'.

But I didn't I just listened and validated. Encouraged him to try again and reinforced it was ok to make mistakes in learning to apologize and listen in a caring & compassionate way.

FG asked if I wanted him to be the best I could be or see the best I could be. I want him to see my best, but I also want him to strive for his own 'best'. Me leading him to communications counseling seems to only be pointing out to him the things that he is not doing effectively & some of what has undermined this R for years. Now that he is seeing it, it's like he's shutting down, not doing either the negative (or at least less of it), but also not picking up the tools the C gives us to improve communication. uggg...

I can not change him, he makes his own choices.

I can only change me and use what the C has given us/me to be more effective at interacting with him, clearly, compassionately, and caringly.

I have learned that my questioning (the teacher in me again) is not appropriate in many situations with intimate communication. This is contradictory to my nature & to what I have believed about communicating in the past.

I need to work on that a lot. Especially, my 'why' questions.
What is so natural for understanding students & what they know in a classroom, apparently is not appropriate for understanding people in relationships.

That frustrates me a lot and I'm pondering why it is making me so anxious (to the point of tears & upset tummy) to not be able to (or shouldn't be) asking my "why" questions of H??

That's about it for the update... I am headed for DC in 48 hours for a vacation. And am really looking forward to it.

Peace
Bridge